Early, early morning. Diane and I started the day’s as we’ve been doing.. Lying in bed struggling to make sense of the day. The mornings are the hardest part of the day.. Sam’s death comes back to us fresh. I just want to hold him one more time…. We lay there and make a plan for the day…: what will we do first, what next, etc… This morning we got up to get Gabe off to school… turns out he’s too beat to get up.. so we do the normal stuff, start the fire, get the paper, drink our tea… try to usher in a normal day…   It’s  very hard right now.
   Yesterday was our first day after the big celibrations. My parents decided to spend a few more days with us before going back.. which is a big help and comfort. They want to help so badly.. Yesterday they cleaned the house so it looks morelike our home and less like some sort of resturant. The 1000+ people who have vistied  over the past 2 weeks (yes.. it’s been 2 weeks now !)… have brought so much food and drink that we can eat for the next month. They also used enough water to overfill  our spetic system . THat was the ccause of the 2″ of sewage in the basement. Hard as it may be to explain.. I took great comfort in cleaning up that mess last night. Manual labor helps us clear our minds..
    Speaking of clearing our minds…. I made an interesting observation about myself yesterday.. I realize that I can’t ever remember myself being as stress free or as ‘in the moment’ as I am right now. The jolt of Sam’s death has made us so present of the ‘now’.. Dwelling in the past.. or worrying about the future are too paibnful to do…. so we stay here… it’s very Zen.. and beautiful in a strange and painful way.
     Tomorrow Max and I are goign to try and drive down to his college (Pratt in Brooklyn) and see what he needs to do about finishing the semsester. Folks will be here with Diane.. it’s hard to think of leaving. … but I’m looking forward to the time with Max…
    Oh./… stories of Sam signs keep flowing into us… our nephews’ internet was down for a week and spontaneously came back up last night… another tree falling in the forest near a friend. Several folks have posted stories about blinking or flickering lights….  and then… there’s this beautiful snow.. thank you Sam… I seee you’re trying to figure out your new powers and limitations…
     OK.. now I’ll start today….
-jc

ps. If you’re reading this…. can you let me know ? I am not sure if I’m writing for myself.. or  others… Thanks !