Every day is full of ‘firsts’.  Today was the first day since Sam’s death that I did not wake up crying. In fact… I didn’t lose it until I dropped Gabe off at school. It was sort of the same for Diane. It’s a funny feeling… not crying. I don’t want to begin forgetting Sam at all.. I do want to find a little peace… and maybe this is what it will be like…  Other firsts….. this is the first day I woke without a plan to get me through the morning.   this is the first day I’ve had sushi for breakfast.. … leftovers from another of Jen Kenney’s kindness drop-offs last night. There is no ‘normal’ anymore in schedule, diet…. conversation.
    Yesterday was a full and hard day… my folks (judy and hugh) decided to stay a few extra days… which is a blessing. They slept in while Diane and I took a long walk with Jen… We feel Sam outdoors.. so being out there helps us.. We came back to find that our old housmate Cathy Cover Willson had dropped by. Cathy lived in our hous in the mid 80’s when we still had a commune of sorts going here. She just lost her husband Tim on Nov 17 after a years battle with brain cancer. Tim’s memorial was in the Monitor Barn the day after the beneifit concert for Sam. Cathy Diane and I talked for an hour or so about how we feel we’ve all just joined some sort of secret club for thoe who have lost loved ones. It was really nice talking to Cathy about some of the stuff you just can’t talk about with everyone (‘what utensils do YOU use to scoop up someone’s ashes ?’) Diane and I then spent a good portion of the day starting to open the boxes of cards and letters that folks have sent us. Now that’s a wierd deal… some are from folks you don’t know…… but are still heartfelt…  some are from folks you don’t know and are automatic. The nicest and hardes to read are from good friends.. many don’t know what to write.. (who does ?)  otheres have good stories of Sam… those help. Some have chacks for Sam’s fund (thanks !)  As I read I picture the person who wrote it.. and try to feel their heart beating. just like when you hug them…   So many of my firends from work have written from around the world.. So many religions and traditions. I realize we have so many gods and goddesses working for us now that we’re bound to be OK.
    Other first yesterday… I started the proccess of offiially telling the world that Sam is gone… I called the bank, the insurance guy., IBM.. There was a nice story. I called the IBM benefits hotline to get soe ehelp as to where to start. The woman who answeed.. ‘Tanya’   started off in auto-pilot …after telling her about Sam’s death.. she started into a script ‘On behalf of IBM we are sorry for your loss…’  and started to list off the official steps. She got about 2 sentences in then broke down…. she said.. ‘I do this all the time…’.. but I never had to talk about someone’s child.’ Turns out she’s a single mom. and a foster mom and deeply spiritual.. we talked about kids, life, creation and organ donation for about 30 minutes. She went home to hug those kids hard..At the end of the call.. she flipped back into autopilot and jumped back to the script…’in 7 – 14 days you’ll receive a packet in the mail with the docmentents you need to file. Once agian.. IBM sends it’s condolances’… then we both laughed !   .. Sam’s story seems to lower barriers tfor everyone.
     Last night Max and I went with friends to hear our favorite bassist  Victor Wootan play at higher ground. It was hard leaving here to go out. Max and I were stressing about a trip we’d planned to make today down to Pratt to see about how he can finish the semester.. I put too much pressure on him about doing it this week.. Diane helped me realize that I wasn’t ready to go back to my work.. why should Max be ready to go back to his.. Neither of us can imagine gettign back to routine..  We left the house kinda mad at each other.. we drove for about 3 minutes then both broke down… I had to pull over we were both crying so hard.. We missed Sam so much. We just sat there holding each other..Walking in to Higher Ground was tough, too.. Sam, Gabe Diane and I had gone to a State Radio concert there about a week before Sam died…. The music last night was wonderful and healing as live music always is to me. I could swear I saw Sam dancing near the stage,….
    I ran into several friends at the show.. kids and adults.. everyone was giving Max and me love and suport. We feel so much love everywhere we go now.  Yesterday I talked about the ‘Zen’ of our mourning.. and how in the moment we all feel now..  It was like that last night.. I realize how preseant and focused I was before  everytime I talked with someone. or as I listend to the music. I don’t think I realizied how distracted and preoccupied I was when talkign to people before this. Sam was like that..when you spoke to him.. he was just listening to you… I guess I’m picking that upfrom him.. it’s beautifull.  Everything is special now.  Well.. time to strart this new day… love to you all…

-jc
ps. Sam..please send more snow