“Words cannot express….” … Diane and I have seen that phrase hundreds of times in the cards we’ve been opening over the last two days…  It’s true that words can’t describe what it’s like for us losing Sam. But beleive it or not.. hearing that folks don’t know what to say is exactly what we need to hear.. It’s so much better to hear that someone can’t put into words or doesn’t understandwhat we’re going through  than to hear ‘he’s in a better place now’… or ‘you’ll get over this in time…’ .. or ‘my aunt’s neighbor’s once… etc. ‘…   or ‘ I can’t imagine what you’re going through’.. we don’t want anyone to imagine that… believe me. Words cannot express what it’s like loosing a child… but words cannot also express how wonderful it is for us to have folks in our community like the Kenny’s.. or Bond/Bouries, or Paulsens.. or Martins.. that have dropped out of their lives to help us heal ours.. words cannot express the feeling of always coming dwon to a full refrigerator packed with food folks have made with love. Words cannot express the mix of sadness and happiness that we get when we read the posts on Sam’s MySpace from all the friends who miss him.. or the feeling we get when 100 people trek up a mountinat to see us scatter Sam’s ashes.  Words can’t express how beautifull and painful each minute has been since Sam died… or for how fundamentally our experience of the world has changed: no rush… no relief… just beauty and saddness everywhere. There are no good words for that at all….  There aren’t really good words to describe the feeling of crying while you brush your teeth.. or laughing when you get your son’s ashes in your eyes and mouth. So thank you all for not having the right words to say.. because there aren’t any.
     OK… so that’s my spacey rant for the morning… on the more newsy front.. we keep trucking here. Yesterday was harder than the day before in some ways and easier than others. With fewer folks in the house we spend more time crying together or by oursleves. My folks are still in town which is really a great comfort. We are trying to find ways to keep busy.. since the time weighs a ton. Yesterday a bunch of Sam’s and our friends cam around late afternoon.. it was wonderful to have laughter in the house again. I’m begininning to see how hard this winter might be if we don’t get folks in here or get us ot in the world. Several dear friends called us yesterday to check on us .. I’m so overwhelmed by the love that’s coming to us by hone and in person. Last night Max went out and brought back pizza and subs for everyone who was in the house.. that was pretty festive.. there were still folks around when I fell asleep on the couch at 11… Diane and I both woke around 4 and couldn’t go back to sleep.. it’s hard laying there.. but the memories of Sam are now more mixed for me.. not all sad. Today we have very little planned.. we need to hit the bank and a bookstore.. I also need to clean the garage and get the storm windows up. Those chores which I used to hate are now a blessing to me. I also had a dream about a sculpture I’m goign to weld today if I can find the scraps…
    Oh.. there have been a whole bunch of Sam-coincidences reported to us over the last couple of days.. I’m not keeping a list.. I probably should.. Here are some:
– Sam’s myspace password somehow re-appeared in the saved passwords of one of our computures after being gone for 2 weeks. That allowed me to go in and accept about 94 frriend requests for him (don’t worry.. I’m not reading his mail or changing anything else)
– Friend Rusty reported the he was jamming with a friend at MMU yesterday when something hit one of the big crash symbols right in time with the music.. The whole class turned to see.. but no one was at the drums…
– I was sitting on the couch crying yesterday while a few folks were elsewhere in the house. a few feet away from me the door to my old lab swung open forcefully… made me laugh
– Friend Becca tried to replace a light bulb that had blown out when Sam died (I think). she put in a fresh bulb and it burned out before she could leave the room
– Friend Kasey was playing Stairway to Heaven on his electric guitar.. Something kept turning down his guitar. (Sounds like he’s tellign you to keep practising Kase 🙂
– Friend Marshall was driving in the middle of nowwhere on the backroads of Central Vermont looking at the mountains and thinking about Sam. As he was staring at the mountains.. along came the Red Bull truck out of nowhere.

Got others.? Let us know…..
Gotta start the day.. peace out all… We love you Sam.
-jc