Diane and I woke up to a completely quiet house for the first time.Gabe spent the night at friends in Bolton. Max is in Burlington staying at friends… my folks left yesterday. All bedrooms, sofas and floors are empty… It was both peaceful and sad.    I was pretty broken up last night as I tried to fall asleep… around 12 Sam came to me in a vision (I can’t think of a better word)  I felt him so strongly.. it calmed me down and I fell asleep instantly.  Diane and I were both awake from about 5 on… just lying there quietly. We got up around 7:30 and  took our walk early because Diane’s Mom’s group is coming to pick her up around 9 for their monthly get together.  We do a loop through the neighbors woods that we’ve walked for years… we can think back to all the times we walked that trail so happy and in love with life… it”s a bittersweet memory now.. we can still find comfort in the life we once had.  We’re just in a different.. no-Sam universe now.  It was beautiful out there this morning.. we have about 4-5″ of new snow (thanks Sam  !).. We walked up to a rock in the neighbors meadow that we can see our house from.. we can see Sam’s bedroom window from there. It’s a good place… Our walks are half meditation and half strategy session… up to the rock, we think queitly and cry.. somewhere after the rock we start plannign the day…. Today we talked about how it seems to be getting harder rather than easier with each passing day. Most things you try to work through seem to get easier with time.. but Sam’s death is becoming more real to all of our family with each passing day.. there are fewer people around to distract us… there are more reminders that Sam’s really gone. There’s always a wierd association game going in my head which connects every object, situation or memory to my son…. It makes me realize how intertwined all of our lives are.  a friend told us you don’t just grieve with your heart and mind.. every cell in your body has to grieve.. it really feels like that.
  I gotta run now. Sorry for the short post this morning. I’ve been invited to go to the mothers group with Diane.. I learned in grad school never to turn down an offer of free help or free food.. and I think this meeting has both.
… which reminds me… so many folks have said  or written to us ‘if there’s anything I can do…’… or ‘ … you know my number….’  I can tell you now that as heartfelt as that sentiment is.. it’s not very helpful. We’re finding it so much more helpful when soemone calls us and  suggests soemthing specific .. like coming by.. or dragging us out of the house… or going shopping…   If you can’t do that, please  do like we said in Sam’s obit and  do somethigng good for a total stranger today.. Kharma will get the books to balance…   
I love you all…. go play in Sam’s snow…
-jc

ps.. I got two more Sam stories…
– Becca commented to tell me that the light bulb that blew out in her room day before yesterday didn’t just blow out.. it sparked and changed colors thne blew out.
– Jake told us that it snowed in Florida the day Sam died.. first time since 1917… go figure