My beautiful son Sam died three weeks ago today. I now both know it and believe it. Our councilor has told us about the many stages of grieveing that we’re likely to visit…denial, anger, bargaining.. depression and acceptance. It’s a useful framwork.. but.. as she explains.. everyone takes their own path through a loss like Sam’s death.. You don’t take these stages in sequence..  you just don’t want to end up ‘stuck’ in any one of them for too long.  I’ve been visiting a little of each, each day. I even spend a little time in accceptance each day which gives me a small glimpse of what life might be like down the road. The one I have not really been able to try on was anger.   I woke at 4 this morning both angry and sad. Why Sam ?  This wasn’t in the plan. I pictured his future so clearly…. How can this be ? Why didn’t I call him at that exact minute he chose to cross the street ? I’ve had a shield up that has protected me from thinking about the circumstances around Sam’s death. When people spoke of it.. I had to shut down or walk away. Instead of anger I felt only sadness.. and somehow through that… responsibility. I’m now starting to come to grips witht he fact that Sam or the rest of us didn’t ‘do’ anything to deserve his death. I know this sounds strange. but this is progress for me..  This healing process is going to be the hardest work I or my family has ever done.. we need to acknowledge every step.
    This three weeks has been so very hard.. but not without it’s gifts. Diane and I took a great hike to the Richmond cliffs yesterday with  friends Maureen, Arianna, Gary, Amy, Skyler, Orin and a whole pack of dogs. As we walked back we were talking about the painful perspective Sam’s death has given us about the preciousness (is that a word ?) of life. I would not wish the full lesson on anyone… .. but…  if people could get even the slightest sense of what we are feeling right now.. there would be no more war..no more oppression, no more violence.  Once you’ve felt this type of loss, you cannot imagine how one person can cause pain of any kind to another. I know that’s not realistic.. people have been fighting and dying forever. .. But
I’d love to think that what we’re going through with Sam’s death can teach a small lesson to those around us. If you’re reading this… please take a few minutes for us  and ‘borrow’ some of the perspective we’re workign so hard to get.  Is there a grudge you can retire ? Is their a relationship you can heal  ?.. Is there some pettiness you can forgive at work ? Is there someone you can reach out to help ? Can you get your own head around how lucky you are ?… Believe it or not.. I still consider myself a blessed  and lucky man…. just one who’s had an unimaginable loss. I invite you to heal with me this holiday season.  Sam would want that for us.
-jc