Back but not normal…..     

Max and I got back around 1AM last night from our drive down to NYC. We came back to a sleeping house. There was no fire burning in the stove and no wood in the house.. so I grabbed an armload and tried to light a fire.  I spent aboot an hour cleaning the house  and waiting for the wood stove to come up to temperature so I could close it down for the night. At about 2 AM I went to shut down the wood stove before goign upstairs to bed. The fire hadn’t caught. Not sure why, but that was it.. I just lost it.  It was more than just being frustrated that the mindless task of lighting the night’s fire had backfired.. This like evrything had become a metaphor for our loss:  A strong fire that bruned out before it’s time..?  my innability to keep it burning.. ? The struggle of moving on with our lives ? A bigger battle with fate and nature ? It was getting bigger and bigger in my mind. As I was there crying in the middle of the night with my wet wood and stupid box of matches.. I felt Sam’s presense. in my mind.. I heard him laugh and say  ‘Gyaaaah Dad.. get a grip…. it’s just a #@*%-ing fire.. ‘ .At that point… I started laughing instead… Sam’s colorful speech survives him.
   It’s true though that everything around here is different… Some of it obvious: Sam’s empty room… some of it subtle: just lookign for a dishtowel becomes a treasure hunt thanks to the creative cleaning and stowing of so many helpful strangers. Same thing happened while searching for tools the other day. I relaized the only person who knows where my vice-grips are is now too busy planning the snow that Bolton will recive this winter.. or sabotoging street lights across the globe to tell me where he left them.
   We are carefully trying to manage the line between different and same…  between now and before. We need to keep Sam present in our life… so his stuff is everywhere… on the other hand.. we need one of the tables that’s holding his pictures.. what do we do ? The kids want to do Xmas here at the house… OK.. but that means christmas shopping. Walking around brightly
lit stores, Bing Crosby Carols., ‘happy holidays ?!’ .Can we really do that ? Can we really NOT do that …?! As I’ve said.. every minute presents a choice for us to retreat and forget.. or to move forward and through. We’re still opting for forward and through. This weekend we’ll be goign out into the world to face the holiday cheer…We’ll do our best to bring a little of it into our world…   I think it’s all a matter of acknowledging difference in our lives even if we’re not ready to accept it.  This holiday more than any other I know about the need to love  our neighbors.. the need for peace on earth…the need to count your blessings. I’m hoping that everyone connected with Sam brings more of that spirit into their hearts this season.  I think I’m goign to go drink a glass of eggnog in Sam’s  memory right now. I hate the stuff.. but he liked it. That’s love for you…
-jc

ps. Tonight is the first night of Chanukah… Hag Sameach   Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha’olam asher kidishanu b’mitz’votav v’tzivanu l’had’lik neir shel Chanukah. Bless you Sam my shining light