Outside matches my inside this morning…. grey and drizzly. I lay in bed for an hour this morning talking to Sam in my head, sending him love. I’m afrraid to ask him questions because I know I will not  hear a direct answer. I’ve never given much thought to the specifics of ‘what happens when you die’ before this. My own metaphysics have always been pretty vaque on the subject.. but I find I myself thinking all the time about where Sam ‘is’ now… I know for certain he’s not on some cloud somewhere wearing wings and strumming a harp… (do they even make electric harps ? ) … but I find it equally hard to accept that such a great, storng and joyful spirit would just ‘stop being’ even though that’s the simpilist.. but unsatisfying… explainiation that my science training gives me. My own religion (judiasm) teaches that you live on in the hearts of minds of those you touched and in the acts of charity you perfromed. In thta definition, Sam truly lives on…    But this idea of afterlife by proxy just doesnt’ do it for me. I know it sounds like  something you’d read in some New Age book, but my heart tells me that Sam’s spirit is now part of a much bigger conciousness that is made up of all the living energy in the unverse.. just like our own conciousnesses.   I’m also trying to make sense of all the wild coincidences that we and our friends are experienceing  around Sam’s  death… all of the electrcal oddities.. the red bull  stuff. Sometimes I think it’s  simply our hearts and minds not being able to let go of Sam.. ..Other times  it  makes me sure that its showing us that there IS something bigger out there. these cooincidences are glimpses into the bigger structure of things. It sure feels to me  like  it’s Sam exploring his new powers and his new limitations… All I know is that we all feel Sam’s spirit so strongly now.  … and whether that’s now a piece of us… or it’s an echo of somehting bigger  is a question we will never really have to answer.. or get to answer.  
     OK.. I need to switch back from the astral pane back to this one for a moment..   Last night we went to a really great pot-luck at the Kenny’s we had about 20 folks up there painitng Sam snowboard Xmas ornaments that we’re selling for the Sam Fund. As we pointed several folks talked to me about the stuff I’ve been writing in this blog.  I want you to know that writing this blog is turning out to be a *very* important way for me to begin my healing..    At this point there are between 400 and 600 folks reading it every day now which is sort of scary to me.  I was thinking about it last night..  the whole MySpace-like peer network and the whole idea of public blogs is such an amazing way for folks to work through big issues like Sam’s death  I don’t think there’s ever been a way for so many people to come together and share memories, feelings. and ideas. I want you all to know just how much I appreciate your comments on the stuff I write here in the blog.. the comments and messages  to my MySpace and even more for the comments  and messages you put on Sam’s MySpace. I think he  still reads them somehow. I have hacked Sam’s password.. (bwa-ha-ha) so that I can accept new friend requests for him, but we promise we will never read the private messages you all send him…. so keep those cards and letters coming.
    Today will be a good healing day.. we have a meeting with our councilor this morning and a meeting with our wonerful friend Barb Puritan later this afternoon.. then dinner at the Holts… The world is really trying to take care of us. We’re also going to try and get a christmas tree today and see how that feels .. more on that tomorrow.   Talk to you then.. Sam.. work on that snow !!!
-jc