The day after Christmas. I woke today in deep sadness. Christmas and its preparations are past. I was so proud of myself and my family for the real joy we were able to bring to our Christmas celebration yesterday. We found many ways to honor Sam and bring him into our observance of the day. It could not have been a better day given where we are. I have tried to be optimistic and uplifting in these posts when I can, but I also want to be true to myself about what I’m experiencing. The reality of Sam’s death comes into my life a little more each day. Christmas brought me a little relief because I was able to focus a little on getting ready for the holiday. I know it sounds crazy… but I realize now that we all carried a secret wish for a Disney style Christmas miracle would let us be closer to Sam somehow yesterday… maybe we were.
My parents drove in from MA yesterday afternoon. It’s very good to have them up with us. Our friends Joan and John (Max’s girlfriend Jessie’s parents) had invited all of us over for Christmas dinner. It was so good of them to share their Christmas with us. . It was a really nice evening.. good company.. good food.. family games.. and gifts. We understand how brave and compassionate someone needs to be to offer to share their time with us during these holidays. We deeply appreciate it. The later it got the more quiet I became. By the time we left around 10, I was deeply sad. Diane drove us home because I couldn’t because I was crying too hard. When we got home, we took our lead from Max in creating a closing moment for the day around Sam. We held hands around Sam’s rock outside, lit a lantern and spoke our Christmas wishes to Sam out loud. Diane and I then quietly walked up to our favorite rock in the fields above our house. We sat there for a while looking down at our house.. at our lives.. and cried. We had to just be in our sadness then. We walked back home and went to bed.
Now that the day is past, there’s nothing to punctuate the unfocused sadness I feel at many times during the day. Nothing external, at least…. I realize that I’m going to have to create my own reasons for getting out of bed in the morning. I think being ‘here’ for Max, Gabe and Diane is going to be my main drive for the next few months. I’m also going to try tapping into the creative urges I’ve been getting to ‘make stuff’ in Sam’s memory. (If anyone has any cool ideas please share them with me.)
Speaking of making stuff… We’ve received many amazing gifts in Sam’s honor over the last week. Last night Jessie handed us a gift wrapped box… Inside it was nearly $300 she’d collected from kids at the High School for Sam’s Fund. The day our friend Grit’s daughter Lindsay donated the money that she was going to spend on Christmas presents to the fund. We heard that only thing on Sam’s friend’s Sawyer’s Christmas list was a rail named in Sam’s honor at