I woke today feeling much more peaceful… I could still remember the deep pain I felt yesterday … but it let me be this morning. I lay there for about awhile thinking about Sam and sending him love.  Diane woke up and it was her turn to wake up sad. It’s like that now.  I’m so grateful that we have the love and closeness that lets us talk about where we are in the moment and be there for each other.  We talked each other out of  bed and downstairs to start the morning routine:, start the fire, open the shades, feed Chai, made tea … I find that starting our day is a bit like trying to get a rusty lawn mower started.. some days   we can start on the first pull… some morning we try and try and can’t get started.. This morning our day sputtered to life on the first pull.   … The snowstorm promised for last night didn’t deliver.. so we pushed each other outside for an early morning run. It was cold and wet.. but still felt great to be outdoors…  As we ran Diane told me about a grandfather’s clock in the Harry Potter book she’s reading with Gabe. The clock has a hand for each member of the Weasely family that shows what’s going on in that person’s life… where they are and how they’re doing.  (e.g. Mortal Peril)   We decided that we needed one of those to keep track of the different emotional roller coasters the four of us are on.. On ours the each person’s hand would point to words like  peaceful, in denial, angry, very sad, optimistic, spaced out, preoccupied, buoyed by friends, etc….   it would help us and our friends figure out the shifting emotional weather of our house.   

   These different emotional cycles are one sign of just how much of the healing journey you have to take on your own… You do it with your loved ones and friends… but you heal on your own.. one moment at a time.. one thought at a time.. We’ve gratefully fallen into the arms of friends and family just to get through the past five weeks.. Our job now have to learn to stand on own two feet again.   To that end… we’re spending the day preparing for some sort of party that Gabe has planned for tonight.. Like last night’s snowstorm, we don’t know whether to expect 3 friends or 30. It’s will be a mix of Gabe and Sam’s friends.. but those are mostly the same people anyway. It will be fun whoever shows up…    and fun is good for us we’re told J ,

    Oh.. Speaking of friends, a cool thing happened yesterday. Our friend Keith came by yesterday to say hi. Keith splits his time between Bolton and St. Petersburg , Florida… He helps run the snowboarding program here in the winter and works on boats while in Florida. Keith just happened to be in St. Petersburg when we went down after Sam’s accident. He came and visited us in the hospital which was a great comfort to us.. He’s up here now for a few days visiting friends. Last night  he came by with a plain white snowboard that he’d had all the kids at Bolton sign. He’s taking it down to Florida to create a small memorial to Sam near the site of his accident. It will be good to have a memorial to Sam down there. What made me even happier was that Keith told me that he and a buddy are starting a program in Sam’s honor to take inner city Florida kids to the beach. We really, really love it when we hear that people are being moved by Sam’s spirit to help other folks. 

    I hear the house stirring.. it must be close to 11AM…   I’ve got a cool idea for something I’m going to build today for Sam if I can get to it…    Now I’m going to go shovel out the barn to make way for the party tonight.. Whether it’s 2 or 30 it will be fun to have the house filled with gross middle school humor again… Be there or be square Sam..

-jc

ps. One of the spotlights in our kitchen got really bright.. buzzed and burned out just as we came in the house after our run.  I think these coincidences… or ‘connections’ (better word) are a result of us being so open right now… Open both as in exposed and raw.. and  open as in receptive. I hope I can hold on to the receptive part.