Last night we held the benefit concert for Sam at the Monitor Barn in Richmond. It had been a tough day for us. There was so much activity in our house, but I just felt like being by myself.   Walking in to the Monitor Barn was really hard… but as I did I began to see (yet again) just how much the community was tehre helping us. Friends were standing out in the diving rain directing traffic, others were taking donations. others were cooking.. or handing out soda’s..others watching the doors,  We even had friends managing the mosh pit.  Max Hefernon, had printed shirts with Sam’s picture.. and the room was full of them. Imagine what it’s like to walk into a room and see your son’s picture on every dancing kid.. it was great.. and it was hard. The music was wonderful . Even so all I could do was lean in a corner and cry for the first half.. It was hardest to hear Sam’s band ‘Black Knight Vengance’ playing without him. If you know their music.. you’ll understand it’s not the kind to make you nostalgic.. but I was… (Ok.. that’s an understatement.. I was crying my eyes out)… they sounded great. I was really proud when my oldest son Max got up and did an acoustic number (“I’ll follow you into the dark” by death cab for cutie… sorry Sam 🙂 ). Max’s voice was claear and strong…and there for his brother.  Music is so important in our family. One big hope I have is that Sam’s friends keep coming  toour house and play now that he’s gone. I can’t lose Sam… and his music. Many folks came up to us as we listened…. I hope I wasn’t mean to anyone who came up to me… I needed to be there with my thoughts.
At the end of the show Max quieted the crowd for a minute of silence. I felt Sam all around me at theat point. it was very beautiful…..   As we left I found out that we’d had well over 400 folks there and between donations, food and shirts, we’d raised more than $5000 for Sam’s Fund…. That’s a really great start on the camp and snoowboarding scholarship’s we are setting up in his name. Thank you all so much !
     After the show…we went back to our house thinking we’d go to sleep.. but there were about 20 folks at the house. It was nice.. I don’t know what we’ll do when the company stops.  Today is the Celebration at Memorial Autditorium.. I hope that the weather doesn’t keep folks away. Diane and I need to figure out what we’re going to say when it’s our turn to talk.. What can you say ?    I guess we’ll find out. Love to all who are reading this and thanks for your comments.. this is part of getting back to O.K. for me…
-jc

Funny morning. Last night was the home visiting hours for Sam. The folks from Giffords brought Sam’s body here around 2. As I helped carry Sam’s coffin in to the house, my shirt got causght on the door and tore a bit.There’s an old Jewish custom of tearing your clothes while in mourning.  I took it as a cool sign of Sam  We had some quiet time with him until about 3 when people started showing up. The house was packed from about 3:30  until about 10:00 . There weere still people filtering in around midnight. By our quick counts of the guestbooks we had more than 800 folks come by to pay there respects to Sam. It was unlike anthing any of us expected. It was sad  and cool at the same time. It felt so great to be around so many folks who loved Sam. We loved  hearing so many stories of what a great kid Sam was.  The whole thing felt more like a party than a funeral. There were many kids in and out of the house… music and food everywhere. I was surprised how easy the kids found it to go in and ‘talk’ to Sam   There was just about as much laughing as there was crying.
   I was also amazed at how many folks from IBM drove or flew up from New York  to pay their respects. My friends at IBM have beenr eally wonderful to us duing this tough time.. you really can see that the company has a great soul when things like this happen.
   We finally had the house mostly clear at about 1:30 this morning. Several of Max’s friends sayed over with him. They slept in the room with Sam. We all slept well. At about 8 this morning the folks from Giffords came to take Sam to be cremated. We came togethr as a family and figure out what we wanted to go with him. We all wrote letters, tossed in guitar picks, cans of red bull, pictures,  and other things special to Sam. (You wonder what an archeologist in the future would make of the stuff )  We carried Sam out of the house and together watched him drive away for the last time.. I’ll never forget how that felt….      After a few quiet minutes life started to return to the house.. frends came over, food was cooking, music was back… life goes on… remarkably…  
    One interesting sidebar.. .in the continuing saga of electrical distubances around Sam’s death, the internet and phones all freaked out a few minutes after he left. All calls to the repair center give a ‘all circuits are busy’ recording.. (I’m typing this using my phone as a modem. )  I figure it’s just Sam doing his thing…
   We love you Sam.. we miss you so much

-jc