Sam’s been gone four weeks today. I’m learning that you really feel these milestones: the first hour, the first day, the first month since your loss.  A timeline for your grief shows you how far you’ve come. .. and how far you still need to go. It’s even hard for us to pick a date for Sam’s death… was it Monday the 20th when he was injured? Was it Tuesday the 21st when he was declared brain dead ?.. or was it Wed the 22nd when his organs were donated…. How do we calculate at all when we know/hope that his heart is still beating in someone’s chest….   Diane and I have been reading studies that show that organ recipients…  heart recipients in particular… often begin to display emotions and traits and preferences of their donors. I know it sounds far fetched.. but there is  evidence out there.. I smile thinking about a kid somewhere in Florida who’s suddenly developed a craving for Red Bull and hanging upside down.   
   On a related note: Diane, Max and I have been invited to got the MMU on Tuesday and Wednesday to talk to the health and PE classes about organ donation. The meetings occor annually and were scheduled long before Sam’s death. A great guy name Jim Carter goes into the classes to talk about seatbelt usage and organ donation. Jim’s daughter Andrea was killed near Browns River in 1990 while  a senior at MMU. Jim also brings in an organ recipient who talks about how someone’s tragedy saved his/her life. We’ve been invited to come in with Jim and talk about the donation decision with some of the  classes. The school is giving anyone the option for stepping out if the topic makes them uncomfortable.  We’re hoping the discussion prompts the students to go home and talk about organ and tissue donation with their families. We’ve learned that the most important thing is  that your family knows your wishes  I know this is a tough topic.. but I can tell you first hand…. there is no greater gift that a person can give or receive. Even though Sam won’t be with us for our christmas… his organs are giving four families christmases they would never have had.  This season please consider discussing the gift of life with your families.
     On a completely different topic… another Sam story. Last night we were over at the Holt’s house for dinner. (Megan.. I really DID like your mint brownies). It was a wonderful evening. Nathan and Max had fun comparing Nathan’s Military School  (4:30AM wake up 10PM lights out)  and Max’s Art School (12 noon wake 4:00 AM lights out most nights). Both were intense programs.. but the differences were pretty funny. ..  As we spoke I was fidgeting with the silverware as I always do  and built up a cool balanced sculpture of knives and glassware. We were all sitting around admiring my creation and talking about how well Sam lived his life. We were talking about how Sam without being greedy or spoiled  managed to get to do just about everything he ever wanted to try. At that point Gavin Holt started talking about his dirt bike and how much Sam really wanted to get one… Diane reminded me that was one place where we had drawn the line.. I explained that despite Sam’s pleading… we didn’t feel we had space on our small lot for a motor bike.  At that exact moment… my knife and glass sculpture that had been sitting balanced for 30 minutes fell over with a crash… OK Sam…. I hear you my son ..
    OK… today I try xmas shopping again… I’ll let you know how that goes.
Peace everyone…Peace Sam….

-jc

ps  my mom was on my case about my poor spelling. . ah..the joys of dyslexia I’ve found a way to spell check this blog ..  enjoy the new improved letter ordering !.

Outside matches my inside this morning…. grey and drizzly. I lay in bed for an hour this morning talking to Sam in my head, sending him love. I’m afrraid to ask him questions because I know I will not  hear a direct answer. I’ve never given much thought to the specifics of ‘what happens when you die’ before this. My own metaphysics have always been pretty vaque on the subject.. but I find I myself thinking all the time about where Sam ‘is’ now… I know for certain he’s not on some cloud somewhere wearing wings and strumming a harp… (do they even make electric harps ? ) … but I find it equally hard to accept that such a great, storng and joyful spirit would just ‘stop being’ even though that’s the simpilist.. but unsatisfying… explainiation that my science training gives me. My own religion (judiasm) teaches that you live on in the hearts of minds of those you touched and in the acts of charity you perfromed. In thta definition, Sam truly lives on…    But this idea of afterlife by proxy just doesnt’ do it for me. I know it sounds like  something you’d read in some New Age book, but my heart tells me that Sam’s spirit is now part of a much bigger conciousness that is made up of all the living energy in the unverse.. just like our own conciousnesses.   I’m also trying to make sense of all the wild coincidences that we and our friends are experienceing  around Sam’s  death… all of the electrcal oddities.. the red bull  stuff. Sometimes I think it’s  simply our hearts and minds not being able to let go of Sam.. ..Other times  it  makes me sure that its showing us that there IS something bigger out there. these cooincidences are glimpses into the bigger structure of things. It sure feels to me  like  it’s Sam exploring his new powers and his new limitations… All I know is that we all feel Sam’s spirit so strongly now.  … and whether that’s now a piece of us… or it’s an echo of somehting bigger  is a question we will never really have to answer.. or get to answer.  
     OK.. I need to switch back from the astral pane back to this one for a moment..   Last night we went to a really great pot-luck at the Kenny’s we had about 20 folks up there painitng Sam snowboard Xmas ornaments that we’re selling for the Sam Fund. As we pointed several folks talked to me about the stuff I’ve been writing in this blog.  I want you to know that writing this blog is turning out to be a *very* important way for me to begin my healing..    At this point there are between 400 and 600 folks reading it every day now which is sort of scary to me.  I was thinking about it last night..  the whole MySpace-like peer network and the whole idea of public blogs is such an amazing way for folks to work through big issues like Sam’s death  I don’t think there’s ever been a way for so many people to come together and share memories, feelings. and ideas. I want you all to know just how much I appreciate your comments on the stuff I write here in the blog.. the comments and messages  to my MySpace and even more for the comments  and messages you put on Sam’s MySpace. I think he  still reads them somehow. I have hacked Sam’s password.. (bwa-ha-ha) so that I can accept new friend requests for him, but we promise we will never read the private messages you all send him…. so keep those cards and letters coming.
    Today will be a good healing day.. we have a meeting with our councilor this morning and a meeting with our wonerful friend Barb Puritan later this afternoon.. then dinner at the Holts… The world is really trying to take care of us. We’re also going to try and get a christmas tree today and see how that feels .. more on that tomorrow.   Talk to you then.. Sam.. work on that snow !!!
-jc

   Sorry for the late posting. It’s been a lazy morning after a late and busy night.  Diane and I spent the early part of the day sitting in Sam’s room trying to write a single paragraph ‘thank you’ to our community for the next issue of the Richmond/Huntintong Time’s Ink. (As I was writing, our dog Chai came in and sniffed around Sam’s room  and layed down sadly on his  bed.. She knows…)   It was so hard to try and boil down into words our enormous gratitude for the love and support we’ve received from the community over the past several weeks. We wish we could do something more than words… 
      Speaking of love and support.. The benefit for Sam at Talent Skate Park last night was absolutely amazing. Our friends Hannah, Dave and Adah Deene donated all the proceeds of the 3 hour skate to Sam’s Memorial fund.If you don’t know Hannah, Dave or Adah.. drop by Talent and say hi. They are like part cool older brother/sister, and part guidance councilor to so many kids in the area. The event was great.. there were about 120 sweaty kids hitting the ramps on a variety of wheeled objects.  Lots of loud music.. Sam would have loved it..definitely his kind of celebration.
The  good folks from Red Bull donated 12 cases (!) of the sacred elixer and the  nice folks at Vermont Sandwich Comanpay donated 4 huge subs so there was plenty to eat and drink for everyone..  To add to the festivities Hannah brought Latkes.. the traditional potatoe pankakes of Chanuckah… We did a small candle lighting to mark the first day of Chanukah.. that was the only time in the evening that I lost it. By the end of the evening Hannah and Dave had raised  $1200 for Sam’s fund !!!!!  Thanks so much to the kids who skated for Sam.. and the parents who watched…  Thanks ultra much to the good folks at Talent for making it happen ! Our good friend Jen was also there last night selling Sam snowboard tree ornaments that she had made for a donation to the fund… if you didn’t get one.. but want one.. please let me know. I also got asked about more Sam shirts and buttons. I will try to find some and post the info on my blog. Please watch this space.
    One small coincidence to relate before closing…. My mother-in-law Marcia called while I was writign this blog entry.. she told me that she’d just run into a guy in a parking lot down in Binghamton NY who’d seen the  ‘I Love Vermont’ sticker on her car. Turns out the guy has been to VT and really loves Bolton. Somewhere in the conversation he also told her he’d visited this great sandwich shop in South Burlington: Vermont Sandwich Company..   must be good kharma !
    Gotta run now.. pray for snow..pray for Sam..
-jc

Back but not normal…..     

Max and I got back around 1AM last night from our drive down to NYC. We came back to a sleeping house. There was no fire burning in the stove and no wood in the house.. so I grabbed an armload and tried to light a fire.  I spent aboot an hour cleaning the house  and waiting for the wood stove to come up to temperature so I could close it down for the night. At about 2 AM I went to shut down the wood stove before goign upstairs to bed. The fire hadn’t caught. Not sure why, but that was it.. I just lost it.  It was more than just being frustrated that the mindless task of lighting the night’s fire had backfired.. This like evrything had become a metaphor for our loss:  A strong fire that bruned out before it’s time..?  my innability to keep it burning.. ? The struggle of moving on with our lives ? A bigger battle with fate and nature ? It was getting bigger and bigger in my mind. As I was there crying in the middle of the night with my wet wood and stupid box of matches.. I felt Sam’s presense. in my mind.. I heard him laugh and say  ‘Gyaaaah Dad.. get a grip…. it’s just a #@*%-ing fire.. ‘ .At that point… I started laughing instead… Sam’s colorful speech survives him.
   It’s true though that everything around here is different… Some of it obvious: Sam’s empty room… some of it subtle: just lookign for a dishtowel becomes a treasure hunt thanks to the creative cleaning and stowing of so many helpful strangers. Same thing happened while searching for tools the other day. I relaized the only person who knows where my vice-grips are is now too busy planning the snow that Bolton will recive this winter.. or sabotoging street lights across the globe to tell me where he left them.
   We are carefully trying to manage the line between different and same…  between now and before. We need to keep Sam present in our life… so his stuff is everywhere… on the other hand.. we need one of the tables that’s holding his pictures.. what do we do ? The kids want to do Xmas here at the house… OK.. but that means christmas shopping. Walking around brightly
lit stores, Bing Crosby Carols., ‘happy holidays ?!’ .Can we really do that ? Can we really NOT do that …?! As I’ve said.. every minute presents a choice for us to retreat and forget.. or to move forward and through. We’re still opting for forward and through. This weekend we’ll be goign out into the world to face the holiday cheer…We’ll do our best to bring a little of it into our world…   I think it’s all a matter of acknowledging difference in our lives even if we’re not ready to accept it.  This holiday more than any other I know about the need to love  our neighbors.. the need for peace on earth…the need to count your blessings. I’m hoping that everyone connected with Sam brings more of that spirit into their hearts this season.  I think I’m goign to go drink a glass of eggnog in Sam’s  memory right now. I hate the stuff.. but he liked it. That’s love for you…
-jc

ps. Tonight is the first night of Chanukah… Hag Sameach   Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha’olam asher kidishanu b’mitz’votav v’tzivanu l’had’lik neir shel Chanukah. Bless you Sam my shining light