Ahhhhh. I finally got a chance to lie down after a long busy day. I’m coming to really enjoy my time writing every night. I go into Sam’s room, plop down on his bed and think about my day… It’s really a good habit to spend some time reflecting on your day. I wish it didn’t have to come to me in the way it did. I’ve been  doing much better this week about keeping true to my goal of mindfulness. I’ve managed not to get caught up too much in the rush of my old life. I realized today that the lessons I’m learning from Sam are accelerating a path I was trying to follow for the last several years.. I had that realization when I saw a bumper sticker in Sakura’s parking lot that said: “remember the person you wanted to be …”  what a great thought. For me that has two meanings.. there’s the ‘remember the goals and ideals that you may have lost along the way.’ And a second meaning.. I used to say that if I could be anyone else in the world, I would have wanted to be Sam..   He was so strong, so confident, sure of himself, satisfied and able…   “… “remember the person you wanted to be”.. I will

   I think so much bout Sam these days that I can hardly think of anything else. Diane and I were talking about it during our early morning Snowshoe… We both are so spaced out these days that we feel a major sense of accomplishment if we each finish one task in a day. Diane told me that yesterday Hannah T came over to hang out with her…They drove around doing errands. Diane found that she was getting far more done with Hannah in tow than she’d been getting done by herself. It seemed like having someone with her allowed Diane to focus and stay on task. That a minor epiphany for me// then and there I committed to finding myself a Hannah or two to keep me pointed in  the ht direction. This afternoon I latched on to my friend Jason at work .. he proved to be a good Hannah for the day. I think I’ m going to d latch on to folks like that to help me keep moving.. If I do it to you and it bugs you, please feel free to tell me to find a different Hannah.

   Speaking of spaciness (was I speaking of spaciness ? )   My old friend Sarah sent me a table today that she’d been given when coping with a loss. It gives a rough timeline for the effects of grief..  I expect that the timeline changes with the person and the loss.. the columns do seem to resonate with where we are now though…

   

    

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STAGE AND TIME PERIOD	COGNITIVE (Thinking)	AFFECTIVE                (Feeling)	SOMATIC (Physical)	SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS	COPING MECHANISMS
SHOCK (hours to days)	Slowed and/or disorganized thinking Blocking Suicidal thoughts Wish to join deceased May appear unaffected	Psychic numbness Blunting Outbursts Euphoria Hysteria Unaffected	Physical numbness Feeling of unreality Feeling of being outside body Hypo or hyperactivity Talkative	Passive Unaware of others	Denial Intellectualization Depersonalization
PROTEST (first week to 3 months)	Preoccupied with thoughts of deceased Searching Rumination Dreams Hallucinations	Sadness Fear Anger Guilt Relief Irritability Yearning Sense of presence	Physical distress Pain in chest Sleep disturbance Fatigue Nausea Decreased appetite Weight loss	Dependent Seeks help	Regression Projection Introjections
DISORGANIZATION (3 to 6 months)	Confusion Aimlessness Slowed thinking Loss of interest Decreased self esteem Focus on memories	Sadness Loneliness Depression Meaninglessness Apathy Feeling of unreality Intense anguish	Deceased inside self Adopt traits and mannerisms of deceased Restlessness Decreased resistance to illness	Withdrawn Avoid others Lacks initiative Lacks interest	Regression Projection Introjections
REORGANIZATION (6 months to years)	Develop realistic memory of deceased Develop pleasure in remembering Return to previous level of functioning Find new meaning in life	Experience both sadness and happiness	Return to previous level	New or renewed social relationships New or renewed interests	Resumes former coping and/or adds new coping mechanisms

 

By this timeline, I guess I should plan to be disorganized for some time to come… I love that. Planning to be disorganized.. Sigh…

    We’ll I did manage to remember one thing today . I took the mitten rack that the  girls  had welded and painted up to Bolton. I needed to get it up to the Townsend’s before one more mitten landed on their very nice floor. Gabe had a good night up there and placed 2^nd in his age group again   Unfortunately, by the time I got there, Deb and Barry  Townsend had left for the hospital with their son Matt who’d just broken both leg bones on the  Money Boot ( I think that’s where it was)  landing a jump. It’s a double bummer since Matt broke this same leg last year.. Matt and his Mom and Dad have to spend the night in the hospital. Let’s all send Matt some love tonight. While we’re at  it let’s also send some to my friend Jim who just got a hip replaced, to Lori who just had her knee re-done and to Janet who also had surgery this week. Busy week for healing…  Send them some love Sam… 

-jc