Ahhhhh. I finally got a chance to lie down after a long busy day. I’m coming to really enjoy my time writing every night. I go into Sam’s room, plop down on his bed and think about my day… It’s really a good habit to spend some time reflecting on your day. I wish it didn’t have to come to me in the way it did. I’ve been  doing much better this week about keeping true to my goal of mindfulness. I’ve managed not to get caught up too much in the rush of my old life. I realized today that the lessons I’m learning from Sam are accelerating a path I was trying to follow for the last several years.. I had that realization when I saw a bumper sticker in Sakura’s parking lot that said: “remember the person you wanted to be …”  what a great thought. For me that has two meanings.. there’s the ‘remember the goals and ideals that you may have lost along the way.’ And a second meaning.. I used to say that if I could be anyone else in the world, I would have wanted to be Sam..   He was so strong, so confident, sure of himself, satisfied and able…   “… “remember the person you wanted to be”.. I will

   I think so much bout Sam these days that I can hardly think of anything else. Diane and I were talking about it during our early morning Snowshoe… We both are so spaced out these days that we feel a major sense of accomplishment if we each finish one task in a day. Diane told me that yesterday Hannah T came over to hang out with her…They drove around doing errands. Diane found that she was getting far more done with Hannah in tow than she’d been getting done by herself. It seemed like having someone with her allowed Diane to focus and stay on task. That a minor epiphany for me// then and there I committed to finding myself a Hannah or two to keep me pointed in  the ht direction. This afternoon I latched on to my friend Jason at work .. he proved to be a good Hannah for the day. I think I’ m going to d latch on to folks like that to help me keep moving.. If I do it to you and it bugs you, please feel free to tell me to find a different Hannah.

   Speaking of spaciness (was I speaking of spaciness ? )   My old friend Sarah sent me a table today that she’d been given when coping with a loss. It gives a rough timeline for the effects of grief..  I expect that the timeline changes with the person and the loss.. the columns do seem to resonate with where we are now though…

   

    

..>

..>

STAGE AND TIME PERIOD	COGNITIVE (Thinking)	AFFECTIVE                (Feeling)	SOMATIC (Physical)	SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS	COPING MECHANISMS
SHOCK (hours to days)	Slowed and/or disorganized thinking Blocking Suicidal thoughts Wish to join deceased May appear unaffected	Psychic numbness Blunting Outbursts Euphoria Hysteria Unaffected	Physical numbness Feeling of unreality Feeling of being outside body Hypo or hyperactivity Talkative	Passive Unaware of others	Denial Intellectualization Depersonalization
PROTEST (first week to 3 months)	Preoccupied with thoughts of deceased Searching Rumination Dreams Hallucinations	Sadness Fear Anger Guilt Relief Irritability Yearning Sense of presence	Physical distress Pain in chest Sleep disturbance Fatigue Nausea Decreased appetite Weight loss	Dependent Seeks help	Regression Projection Introjections
DISORGANIZATION (3 to 6 months)	Confusion Aimlessness Slowed thinking Loss of interest Decreased self esteem Focus on memories	Sadness Loneliness Depression Meaninglessness Apathy Feeling of unreality Intense anguish	Deceased inside self Adopt traits and mannerisms of deceased Restlessness Decreased resistance to illness	Withdrawn Avoid others Lacks initiative Lacks interest	Regression Projection Introjections
REORGANIZATION (6 months to years)	Develop realistic memory of deceased Develop pleasure in remembering Return to previous level of functioning Find new meaning in life	Experience both sadness and happiness	Return to previous level	New or renewed social relationships New or renewed interests	Resumes former coping and/or adds new coping mechanisms

 

By this timeline, I guess I should plan to be disorganized for some time to come… I love that. Planning to be disorganized.. Sigh…

    We’ll I did manage to remember one thing today . I took the mitten rack that the  girls  had welded and painted up to Bolton. I needed to get it up to the Townsend’s before one more mitten landed on their very nice floor. Gabe had a good night up there and placed 2^nd in his age group again   Unfortunately, by the time I got there, Deb and Barry  Townsend had left for the hospital with their son Matt who’d just broken both leg bones on the  Money Boot ( I think that’s where it was)  landing a jump. It’s a double bummer since Matt broke this same leg last year.. Matt and his Mom and Dad have to spend the night in the hospital. Let’s all send Matt some love tonight. While we’re at  it let’s also send some to my friend Jim who just got a hip replaced, to Lori who just had her knee re-done and to Janet who also had surgery this week. Busy week for healing…  Send them some love Sam… 

-jc

It’s 8PM-ish on Tuesday night and I’m in LaGuardia Airport. I came down for the day to attend a meeting in Somers NY. Somers is one of IBM’s corporate sites so there are folks there from all over the company. It’s always cool to walk around there and see who you see. Today I ran into friends from Israel, Japan NY, and Minnesota. All but one of them had heard about Sam’s death. I’m always amazed at how far this news has traveled. I’ve been around IBM so long and know so many people around the company that it feels like an extended family to me.  Everyone is so touched by and so caring about our situation. One thing I find very hard to do in a work situation s to manage the transitions in a conversation from the topic of Sam.. which I love and need to talk about.. to any other topic… like work. There is no segue that works and it makes people feel so awkward. I wish I could help them. I’ve always tried very hard to put people at ease in a conversation.. now it’s so hard.  This is just one of the many differences that I have to get used to in this new universe. 

    I got a chance to talk about some of these differences this morning with another IBM-guy, Craig from the Boston area. Craig is a friend of my friend Delia. He was going to be in Burlington for a meeting today. We’d hoped to meet up while he was in town, but the schedules didn’t work out, so we talked while he drove to Vermont and I drove to Somers. I wanted to talk to Craig because I knew that he too had lost a child. Craig’s beautiful five year old daughter, Amilia, was killed in a gas explosion at the family’s summer home 3 years ago. The explosion was caused by faulty repairs on the homes gas dryer. I found it really hard hearing about another family’s tragedy like this. My own pain around Sam’s death has made me more sensitive to other peoples suffering. We spent a long time talking about our kids, our families, and our path through grief and healing. We also talked about how different our lives had become. Craig and four of his friends are in the process of forming an organization to help grieving fathers called ‘fathers-forever’.  The idea is to create a support network for men who have lost sons or daughters. It sounds like it would be a wonderful resource.  Craig also told me that he and his family were able to get a law passed in New Hampshire to help prevent tragedies like theirs. You can read their story at http://www.amiliaslaw.org/ It was great connecting with Craig.. I hope to meet him next time I go down to Boston.

     As I’m sitting here typing, my brother Billy just called from Bordeaux France. He’s over there doing his first human tests on a new medical device that he designed and developed. It’s 3 AM there but he couldn’t sleep so he called. I love talking to Billy. He just told me that he stuck a SamStone in the city’s 600 year old Cathedral. I love hearing that. We talked for over an hour.., glad I don’t have to pay that phone bill.  

     OK, looks like our plane is finally boarding.   I’m eager to get home. Today’s trip was worth it. The meeting I came down for   turned out to be  productive and fun.. What’s more,  my good friend Willow gave me a cake in thanks for making the trip down.. I’m sitting here in the airport staring at the cake deciding whether I should eat it all myself or bring it home to Diane, Max and Gabe…   What would you do Sam ?   G’nite

-jc

Ps. Here’s a great picture that our friend Bill took of Sam then doctored in Photoshop..I love this picture.  I miss him so much ….

I’m just totally beat tonight.. I never seemed to be able to get out of second gear all day. I went for a below zero run this morning with Chai ..and that was about all I had all day for genki  (my friend Sharon’s  favorite Japanese work for  ‘get-up and go’) . Sam was with me very much all day.. I found myself talking to him every minute I was alone. I think anyone who saw me doing this would think I was cracking up… maybe I am cracking up… but I don’t think so.   I was able to slide through the day without getting much done beyond some very good personal/work conversations with folks I hadn’t seen since being back at work. In times past I would have been very frustrated and impatient by this slow pace of work.. now I am finding that I often enjoy it.. I do feel like I need to get my energy back up at work pretty soon to start earning my keep again.. It’ll come soon enough.. I’m pretty sure.   

    The high point of my day was Diane’s 6PM yoga class in the barn . We had about 9 folks there tonight.. and as usual I was the only male.. It was my job alone  to represent my  flexi-impaired gender. Diane is a wonderful teacher… her class would be a wonderful stress relief if I had any stress to relive at this point J .  After class, Sam (and our) friends Avery and Rebecca spent a few minutes getting a coat of paint on yesterday’s mitten rack welding project.. Hanna sent me some pictures of our work yesterday.. It was such a  blast working with these girls.

Grinding

 The Finished Product (and proud team)

  Speaking of making things, a week ago Dave-from-Talent and I went over to my friend Paul’s’ to use his cutting laser to design some Sam-themed grip tape for skateboards. We did some work on Sam’s Mayan symbols… I’ve yet to get those on a skateboard. Paul and Dave also cut out a Sam design that Paul’s son Nick had designed.. They stuck it on a skateboard this weekend… It’s really amazing. Drop by Talent to check it out..  Paul just sent me this picture

   We got some other really nice signs of support today. My good friend Kerry’s son Mike decided that he and two buddies were going to do some fundraising for Sam at their upcoming three way birthday party (we really appreciate that Mikey)   We also heard from another frined Mike that he was thinking about donating 5 % of his energy bar business revinue to Sam’s fund.. we love that idea.. Sam was all about Energy. We also got a really wonderful letter from our  friend T. Her husband used a word for Sam that I hadn’t thought of in a long while … Maybe since reading Siddartha many years ago. The word was bodhisattva,  a being who is dedicated to assisting all beings in achieving enlightenment, at the expense of delaying nirvana themselves. Those who knew Sam would probably agree that he was an old and evolved spirit…I like the thought of him coming down to join us for 14 years to pass on some wisdom … and him doing it just for fun..   Namaste my son.. the light in me  greets the light in you on this dark, cold night.

-jc

 

 

Long, and good day…   Started the day with a dream about Sam. Something was trying to erase all of his movies but I was able to stop it. It’s a repeat dream theme about being afraid I’ll start forgetting him. There doesn’t seem to be any chance of that while I’m awake. He was with me all day. .. in a good way. Diane and I spent some time this morning creating a list of all the todo’s we have around Sam’s legacy projects: thanks you notes to print, two scholarships to solidify, the web site to complete.. I find the work that goes into these memorial activities makes feel better.  Action feels good. 

    Around 10. Diane went up to get Sam and our friend’s Hannah. Morgan and Rebecca from up the hill. Avery showed up too.… The girls wanted to learn to weld… which is pretty funny since I’m sort of a beginner myself. We chose a simple practical project to start: a mitten rack. If you’ve ever visited the Townsend’s house in winter you’ll know how practical this will be. We copied the design of  mitten rack that we had.. but decided to super-size it. It was such a blast figuring out the materials, cutting the metal, bending it and welding it all together. I did some demo’s of each of the steps, but the girls did most of the real work. I was so impressed. These women are natural welders (some better than me, I think!)  I felt very close to Sam as I worked with his friends out there in the lab. As the last weld came together we all felt so proud of what we’d built.  All it needs now is some paint and a SamStone on the top and it’ll be ready for use in Hannah’s house.
   After the girls left around 4ish, Diane, Chai and I got out for a great snowshoe. Among other things we talked about one of the books I am reading “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” by Deepak Chopra…that my friend Julie gave me . Though I’ve never been a big fan of Chopra,  In this book.. as in others of his I’ve seen, he mixes spiritual stuff with advice on how to be materially successful. That said, there are many things I like about this book. One of his main themes is  the importance of living  in the moment, particularly the importance of not denying the facts of the present. He says to resist  the truth of the present  is to spend energy fighting the tide of the whole universe. He doesn’t say that in a fatalistic way.. he says that  each instant you must  take responsibility and make choices on how to shape your own future.   That really resonates with my own sense of how I have to apply this powerful set of messages I’m learning from Sam to steer my life.. I look forward to finishing the book..
    Around 6ish Gabe, Diane, Chai  and I headed up to Jen and Tim’s for a “Friends of Sam’s” meeting. FoS is a group that the kids have put together to do local public service in Sam’s honor. The kids were talking about having a fund raiser in the next couple of months. The kids are doing all the planning; we adults were just there to listen. (and eat !)… While we were up there we made a batch of very yummy instant ice cream with some liquid nitrogen I’d picked up  last week.. We nearly wrecked Tim and Jen’s kitchen freezing stuff (roses, balloons, bananas) and smashing them.   We then watched all of the Super Bowl commercials without having to watch even a second of football.. (Hurray for TiVo !)  We got home around 10:30. Max, Mason and Scott showed up a few minutes later after their successful trip down to Brooklyn. Max had to move some stuff out of his dorm room at Pratt. . It sounds like it was good for him to go down and take that step. He got to see some friends and feels like he’ll be fine fitting back in down there in the fall.   I’m so glad he decided to stay here this semester.
    One last closing piece of news.. Last night there was an MMU Cabaret night. Diane and I almost went but decided to have a quiet at home Sam night (very nice) ..    I heard today that Skanky Green premiered a new song there in Sam’s honor/ It’s called ‘Captain Sam.. Jeff D. sent me the words… I’ll get a recording posted as soon as I can.  Sam, you’re famous!

The Ballad of Captain Sam
By Skanky Green

VERSE 1

Captain Sam was staring
Down a hardline barrel
Positioned for the drop and smiling
He headed down the hill,
Saluting as he came
And flipping upside down he couldn’t help but grin

CHORUS

Relax a bit, you might just have some fun
Don’t take it all so serious
You’ll never live it down
Take the plunge, you might have to take a dive
‘Cause that’s what he would have done
if he was still alive

VERSE 2

Captain Sam he hopped a vessel
bound for Israel
And we all knew, he’d rock the middle east
He walked right in, cracked a grin
very next day he walked out again
And sure enough, ever since then,
there has been peace

CHORUS

VERSE 3

Captain Sam got himself a pirate ship
through somewhat dubious means
He sailed that thing across the ocean
but never once did a man
step across that plank
and the prisoners all swore
their allegiance to the captain

CHORUS

VERSE 4

Two months ago, we heard news
that captain sam had perished
Fighting pygmies in the amazon
outnumbered by a hundred he refused to run
he held them off from dusk to dawn
sam was never afraid
even when the odds were against him
he only feared for those he left behind
and he’s moved on to the next adventure
i think its best we keep his legacy in mind

CHORUS