Tough night. I’m sitting on the bed with Gabe who has some sort of stomach bug, poor guy. He has been  pretty miserable for the last hour or so, poor kid.  He seems to be sleeping now which is good. We’re supposed to be leaving tomorrow morning for a 3 day trip with friends to Killington.. But we’ll have to see how he feels in the morning. Gabe getting sick is only part of our trouble for tonight. Shortly before nine Gabe called us from Bolton to tell us his snowboard had been stolen ! What a bummer ! We’d just heard that there were 5 boards stolen yesterday. Gabe’s board is white with skulls on the bottom and is covered with ‘Sam Cohn’ and ‘Sam Forever’ stickers. It’s got to be pretty recognizable. It makes us really sad that someone would take a kids board, especially with the sentimental attachment of the stickers..  Even so.. it’s really no big deal in the cosmic order of things. Things are just things. Our resistance to stuff like this is pretty high at this point. (Gabe just woke up again.. it’s going to be a long night. It’s hard to seem him feeling so crummy).

It’s funny how good stuff comes in with the bad stuff. As we were waiting for Gabe to come down from the mountain with Jen, the members of Sam’s old band, Black Night Vengeance, came by. They’d spent the whole day in a studio recording some songs. The first thing they did after getting out of the studio was to come by to let us hear one of the cuts.. a song about Sam. It sounded phenomenal. . (I’ll  post it and the lyrics as soon as they get a mixed version. ) The guys said they definitely felt Sam there with them while they were recording.. it meant so much to us that they’d make the trip out here at 10PM on a Saturday night to share that with us.

  Speaking of sharing.. Max called tonight from NYC. He was watching the lunar eclipse tonight. We couldn’t see it up here.. I’m glad that he was able to watch it. I think he may even have gotten a picture of it. Max said he’s having a good time being back at Pratt. I know he misses his friends there. Having Max back in NYC even for the week makes me realize how much I would have missed him if he’d gone back to Pratt full time this semester. None of us was ready for him to have done that.

As eventful as the evening has been, the day was pretty quiet.   Four or five kids spent the night here last night after gymnastics.  They all hung out here most of the day which was fun. Around 12, Avery came over with idea of something she wanted to weld.. She’s seen a metal tree sculpture when she and her family were in NYC this week. She brought over a drawing she’d made of it. She and I spent several hours figuring out how make it. We cut 12 18″ lengths of 6mm rod stock and bent them using a torch. We then used the wood stove to anneal part of the wire so we could bend them into branchy looking shapes. We then bundled them all together and Avery welded them together. She’s a better welder than me at this point.  The final product looks a lot like her drawing.   I like making stuff with Sam’s friends.. When I’m doing it.. I think about making stuff with Sam. My workshop is full of projects we started together.  Somehow working with his friends feels like an extension of working with him.

   The last project we were working on was the wall of flattened Red Bull cans.. I’m going to finish that project for you Sam. Want to help ?

-jc

ps. The bread at breakfast yesterday had a hole in the shape of an ‘S’ .. Strange but true….

Today was a good, quiet day. We had heavy snow all day, so it felt very good to be indoors. I worked hard all day and time passed quickly. It still take much longer for me to get anything done. One thing I like about my work now is that folks are so much more willing to share their personal stories with me.   At one point today I had a great IM conversation  with my friend Sybil down in Austin. She shared with me a wonderful song that her friends had written for her when her fiancée passed away 2.5 years ago. I’ll share it with folks as soon as I get the words.   After talking to Sybil, I couldn’t really go beack and do work.-work.. I sifted gears and spent a few hours working on Sam’s SaStone website. I really enjoyed spending a few hours staring at pictures of Sam.. even if they were surrounded by HTML.

The instructor, Ely, is a great guy. He’s a social worker in real life.. we spent a long time talking about dying and healing and gymnastics.. An interesting mix.. My one goal for the  evening was to do a backflip. I’m proud to say that I did a few.. even though I still need to work on my form

.. I also took this movie by doing a flip with the camera in my hand.. It makes me quesy just watching it.

 

After gymnastics,  everyone came over for late dinner and ice cream. There was a pretty good size crow.. It was pretty tame though.. most of the  adults gravitated to the dinner table to work on coloring Mandala’s  It’s very relaxing and cheaper than wallpaper.

    Speaking of drawing.. here’s a picture of Sam’s friend Nate’s new Tattoo.. He had Sam’s Mayan glyphs inked on his arm… (with his parent blessing)..

-jc

 

I’m just sitting down to write in a big, empty house….  Diane’s out shopping for our trip to next week. Max is down at Pratt, Gabe is spending the night up at the mountain and Sam is….is…   So… that’s what my days are like.. The constant  re-realization of how our lives are so changed.

    I’ve actually had the house to myself for a big part of the last three days while the rest of the family zooms around. It’s actually very peaceful here. I generally don’t get much solitude unless it’s on an airplane… It has been a welcome relief from having to be ‘on’ all the time..  I’ve been sleeping late, ..hanging out in my ‘jammies till afternoon , listening to loud music and eating strange food whenever I feel like it.. Don’t get me wrong I’m working hard most of the day.. and getting a good amount  of outdoor exercise  each day.. it’s just that I’m unplugging from work more often… .. I think I’m getting in touch with my inner slacker J

    I’m also using the relative quiet as a chance to be a  ‘witness’ to my own thinking. I’m just observing what happens in my mind without judgment.. and without trying to manipulate my thinking.. as I go through the day….   One thing I observe is how constant Sam’s presence is in my mind. It’s hard to  explain.. It’s not a sad thing at all. It’s like I always have his face in my mind.. he’s positioned slightly up and left of my own heart. always wearing a warm  and knowing smile. I’m amazed at how persistent and strong his presence is with me every waking minute.. he’s there when I wake up, when I eat, when I exercise, when I talk on the phone… he’s here now.  He’s so strong, I’m sometimes surprised I can do anything else .. Most of the time it’s a comfort.. Sometimes I ‘look’ toohard and I can lose myself in sadness.

   Other things I’ve witnessed is how often I talk to myself or to Sam out loud during the day when no one else is around. I think I’ve always talked to myself.. Now I have someone to talk  tooI also am surprised at how often I hear myself sigh..(“oh sam”)  during the day.. or curse for no reason..  I think/hope  this is all good venting though I’ll bet it would a little creepy to hear if anyone else were listening..

   Another thing I observe.. I notice that I’m much slower to stress or to get angry. Those  of you who have known me in the past probably know how wrapped up in my work I could get.. I was/am passionate about my work.. and I could get pretty tense after a day of meetings.. Now I find it so easy.. too easy J to shut the laptop at 6PM and go goof off… That may sound normal.. but it’s nothing I’ve been able to do since I was maybe 8 years old.  Again.. it’s the inner slacker in me yearning to kick back…

   Here’s a real illustration that illustrates my new calm..  Yesterday. our very good friend Deb D. dropped off one of her killer homemade Mac and Cheese’s.  This stuff is really food for the gods.  Tonight, I was eating alone. I  heard that Mac and Cheese singing to me from  the ‘fridge.  I went in to get some . and as I did the whole pan fell out and spilled on the floor..   Normally this would have sent me into a terrible cursing frenzy.. but tonight.. I just  laughed !  .It was pretty funny.. (and given the 5 second rule, I had most of it back in the pan before the dirt on the floor even noticed)..    This is my new Buddah nature.   Thanks to you Sam…

 -jc

ps. Here’s a picture from Diane, Sam and my trip to mexico last June.. What a great time that was

Today started early for all of us. Diane woke at 5 to take Max down to Rutland to catch the train to NYC.. Max loves taking the train down there. He says it’s relaxing and fun. I woke at about 6:30 and got ready to go out. My friend Jason from work showed up around 7:30 as planned for a snow shoe. It was nice having a visitor for my morning exercise since Diane was down taking Max. Jason and I took the mid length loop in the woods. Some of it was unbroken trail with still deep snow whch was fun.

 Jason and I talked work for most of the trip.. I’d sort of made a personal pact to not think about work while outside.. but this was a good chance to catch up on some things. We came down of the loop and walked out to the rock in the high pasture above our house… That got us on the topic of ‘why we live here’ . Jason was saying how much he and his family love their lives here in Vermont. I told him how much we had loved our lives.. how perfect they were.. until Sam died.. and how we still love them now.. It’s funny to say that we still love our lives after this tragedy.. but we do. The conversation got my mind on the topic of ‘why’ !? again.. Why Sam ?! Why us ?!   I don’t usually let myself go to the ‘why’… In some way it’s probably progress that I’m able to go there today…

   I came back to the house in time to meet Diane.. She’d made the 4 hour roundtrip and Gabe was still sleeping  When he woke up the two of them went up to the montain to enjoy the beautiful conditions.. That left me in the house alone all day to work. It was really nice having the whole house to myself… I got a ton of work done. . at the same time is was so quiet and lonely. At one point, I went through the house calling Sam’s name.. just like I used to. I wanted to hear it… Anyone listening would have thought Id gone crazy.. but it wasn’t crazy.. it was nice.   . I’m still struggling so much to get into my work. It seems that no matter how much time I spend.. I can only get 1 or 2 things done per day now.. what a change from before !. I started to wind down around 5. I closed the laptop and took Chai for another walk to clear my head.. Good choice..

After the walk, I headed up to the mountain to watch Gabe’s Night Rider snowboard competition. I love going up there now.. We have so may friends up there. It feels like a reuninion every week.   I don’t know how Gabe did tonight becasue   I left around 8:15 to head to the Keller Williams show at Higher Ground. I got my wish from last night that they offered me and a guest passes for the show tonight in excahnvge for the blinking beer tray.. I didn’t get to use them , though.. I already had a ticket.. and none of the friends I asked could go tonight.. Nothing wasted though..

    I ran into Mason at the show and hung out with him. It was an *amazing* show.. Music has such healing power for me now ! Keller Williams is like a whole orchestra in one guy.. funny, talented, and incredibly  musical. It was one of the best live shows I can recall seeing in  Burlington.. really !    They had  a pretty cool light show

… which was augmented by a cool blue glowing beer tray.  It was cool to have contributed that to the evening. 

I did manage to plant a SamStone on one of the speakers without bringing down the sounds system.. that’s cool in itself.

It was a great show Sam.. Hope you enjoyed it !

-jc

“Where are you Now” 

by GUFS (Sung here by Keller Williams)

Here I am
Lost without you
I can’t feel myself
I can’t even move
There so much I want to say
If I could get through to you 

Where are you now?
Are you standing on the edge
If you fall, will I see you again?

Open your eyes
Don’t say goodbye
Won’t you stay with me
and give me one more try
Talk to me
Tell me what you need
 

Where are you now?
Are you standing on the edge
If you fall, will I see you again?
Where are you now?
If it’s time to let you go
Tell me now
Cause I can’t hold on anymore 

Where are you now?
Are you standing on the edge
If you fall, will I see you again?
Where are you now?
If it’s time for letting go
Tell me now
Cause I can’t hold on anymore

 
Where are you?
Who took you away from me?
cause I can’t hold on anymore
Where are you?
Who took you away from me?
I can’t hold on anymore

  Where are you now?