Five months today, Sam, that’s when you left us.… We’re at my parents on this fine spring weekend.. and it’s unbelievable to me that you’re not here with us. Simply unbelievable.   The flowers are up, the birds are chirping.. the mosquitoes are even biting and you’re not here. I know it sounds like a cliché.. but it only seems like yesterday I was talking to you on the phone in Florida. It really does feel like yesterday. I can’t figure out how we’ve gotten through these past 150 days… but we have.   We’re getting stronger.. we are sad yet we laugh often.. We all still feel you near.. we speak of you and speak to you all the time. I have a habit of touching the picture of your I carry on my button over my heart every time I consciously think of you.. I paid attention today and realized my hand goes to my heart every couple of minutes throughout the day. It’s comforting to me. I wonder if you know. I dreamed about you last night… that happens often.. not every night like it used to.. but every few days. You were talking to me and smiling. I woke feeling happy. I hope you’re happy wherever you are /whatever you have become..  I love you forever my son…  We all love you. Peace out.

-jc

 

ps. I have lots of stories and pictures from our day in Boston today.. I’ll share them tomorrow,

I slept like a rock last night. I think the jetlag from this week’s travel had finally caught up with me. I woke late to a beautiful, bright morning. I walked outside and it seemed it had transitioned from Winter directly to Summer.. there were flowers in the yard

I had intended to make this a vacation day because of this weeks travel. I ended up being in work calls all morning Interesting stuff.. but emotions are running high and I needed to chill out.. so around noon I walked away from the laptop. I had a few errands to run to help Max recover from a laptop crash… Those kind of things always happen at the worst times.. in his case, right before his Pratt work is due and his Champlain finals. ‘Luckily’, it seems to  be a motherboard problem and not a disk crash.. we were able to get his school files off safely. After I got that squared away, I drove out to New Haven to see Homer. I spent the drive out talking to Sam.. which I needed to do.. Car travel is my best thinking time now.

   I got to Homer’s around 2. He is just an amazing guy.. he’s a very cool blend of artist, inventor and philosopher. I hardly knew him before Sam died.. now he’s a good friend. One thing I really admire about him is his ability to follow through on any vision he comes up with. He’s able take that  vision and use it to  quickly transform piles of scrap metal, motors and gears into working creations. Where others would see junk he sees possibilities. For example.. last weekend he was describing a new 3axis robotic camera arm that he hopes to mount a camcorder and a blowtorch  to film the melting of his wax states.. Today he demonstrated the thing to me in his shop.  Homer and I are still trying to figure out if/how/when to buy that shopbot 3D robotic milling machine we found in the classifieds. One of our hopes is to make a system that will let kids take a design idea on the computer and turn it into an object made of wood, plastic or other soft material.   Today we went and visited Homer’s friend Randy to see his shopbot in action. Randy spent a good hour or so showing us his machine. It was very, very impressive. Here it is.. isn’t it cute ?

 

Now we have to decide what to do about ours.. stay tuned.   

 I headed home around 4:30  so that we could get ready to leave for Boston. Diane and our friend Pat are taking  a yoga training seminar in my parents home town of Sherborn, MA. Around 6:30 Diane. Pat,  Gabe, Gabe’s friend Trevor and I piled in the van and headed down to Boston. We made good time.. with an emphasis on good (isn’t that from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance  ? ) on the way down: 4 hours including a leisurely stop for dinner. The kids played video games (Guitar Hero) in the back while Diane, Pat and I talked.. it was great having Pat with us.

   We got to my parents house around 10:30. It was really nice to see them. We haven’t been here since Sam died.. so it was pretty emotional for me to come into their house. We got settled pretty quickly though. They’re very good hosts..

Tomorrow Diane and Pat are off to Yoga and Gabe Trevor and my folks and I are going to find some urban skateboarding for the boys. More from Boston tomorrow. Sam, I feel you here. Have a peaceful 420.

-jc

Home again.. I was so happy to land in Burlington this morning.

The trip last night was surprisingly easy. The planes had all been on time and I’d slept miraculously well. Scott picked me up at the airport which I really appreciated.. it’s always nice to have someone waiting for you. .

Walking into the house is always strange now. It feels so good to see everyone.. It still feels like Sam is here.. I feel him strongly in our home. It’s like he’s just in another room. Diane has said its like he’s just behind some curtain, ready to come out.. but he can’t come out. I know he’s here and it feels good to be around his stuff.. It’s a funny thing.. I miss him always.. I like to miss him here the most.

It was an absolutely gorgeous day.. I feel asleep several times as the red-eye and jet lag caught up with me. Around 5:30 I went for a run because Chai was giving me that look that made me feel so guilty for not having run. We got out on the trail and the snow was almost all gone.. I had to find a place in deep shadow to find enough snow left to write Sam’s name. I got back just in time for men’s’ yoga night. This was our second.. 5 guys from our father’s group came. Diane is so great with the class.. She knows how far to push us without making us feel like inflexible klutzes. Yoga is the best thing to cure a back that’s been on airplanes all day.

Tonight was pretty uneventful.. Scott helped Gabe with his homework while Max worked on his school work. He’s heading back to Pratt this weekend to finish up his coursework from last semester. He’s working very hard… Tonight he showed us his film project. It had to be done in 8mm film.. like we used when I was a kid. Max filmed his project in 8mm then digitized it then worked some digital magic using AfterEffects and Motion.. the result is amazing. He is just so creative. Speaking of which.. he just came into Sam’s room where I’m typing looking like this:

I guess that’s some strange form of study break… Stranger still.. he just came in again with a piece of paper he used to take the black goop off his face.. It looks like the paper towel of Turin ..

What a goofy and wonderful kid…

Gabe was also very funny tonight to.. Diane was lying down to go to sleep and I was in saying good night when Gabe burst in with a wooden club and started thrashing around with it and screaming like he was in some sort of epic battle.. I wasn’t in the mood for violence… so I pointed a pretend remote control at him and told him I was changing the channel. Gabe started doing lightening quick improv.. his sword changed to a baseball bat (sports channel), then into a sausage (cooking channel), a clarinet (MTV), a hunting rifle (animal planet), a murder weapon (CSI).. etc.(not bad for a family without cable) He was very funny We were all laughing hard which felt good..

I took a look at the sky a little earlier .. Venus and the crescent moon are very close in the western sky. It looks like my heart/mind diagram from several months back.. Take a look to the west tomorrow after sunset.. it’s really beautiful.

It’s even cooler when the wind blows your camera a little…

OK.. time for sleep.. my internal clock is still all screwed up, but I think I should be tired now.. G’nite everyone.. g’nite Sam.

-jc

Today was the last day of my trip to the Technical Leaders Exchange mmeeting in Anaheim and boy am I glad to be traveling home. I’m missing my family so much.

 I’m on a 3 stop (LAX-SFO-ORD-BTV) red-eye which will get my home at 10ish tomorrow morning.. It’ll be a tough night.. but heading home is always easier.  It’s been a good trip.. Over the last 3 days I’ve had the chance to spend hours talking with some very good friends.  I love this part of my job.  

   Today our meetings started at 7:45. The first speaker was Gini Rimetti  a Sr. exec in our Global Services group. She’s a great speaker, funny, natural and convincing. I liked her talk.. Then came the guest speaker Maestro Ben Zander, the conductor of the Boston Philharmonic.  I satyed for the first few minutes of his talk   he seemed funny and engaging.. . but I had arranged to  meet my friend George to catch up. I walked out to meet without thinking much of it.. more on that in a bit… 

  It was very good talking with George.. George’s wife Anika died last May. He and I have spoken several times since Sam died about our healing process. I’ve written about our conversations a few months back Even though our circumstances are very different, it’s been very helpful sharing stories. Our work situations are somewhat similar. Last fall George was having trouble getting his head back into his day job so he worked with our senior management to get a sabbatical in research. He gave me an update about how that’s going.. It seems to be working out well for him. George’s sabbatical is another example where the company really takes care of people when they need it most. It’s comforting to me to know tht a sabbatical is an option if I should ever really need it… but for now, I’m staying put..   George and I spent a very good hour or so talking about his situation. My situation,. Our families and our work. It turns out that thatere might be an interesting pint of collaboration between George’s new role and my day job.. Finding opportunities to work with new folks is one of the coolest thing about these cross disciplinary conferences.

    After the hour was up. George and I wondered back into the arena and Maestro Zander was still at it..I could tell something amazing had happened to the crowd.. everyone  in that auditorium was  absolutely in love with this guy… The most telling thing was that  there was not a single laptop open  or blackberry going.. These people were hooked. Zander was just about to lead the nearly 5000 people in the room in the choras to Beethoven’s Ode to Joy.. . He took the crowd through it 4 times, coaching the crowd on how to do it with more feeling each time.. by the fourth time this crowd of geeks sounded like angels.. It was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen a group that large do…   I was speechless.. I’ve tried to capture it on this movie.. but it doesn’t do it justice..

First Verse of Ode to Joy in Beethoven’s 9th,

German original

Freude, schöner Götterfunken
Töchter aus Elysium,
Wir betreten feuertrunken,
Himmlische, dein Heiligtum!
Deine Zauber binden wieder
Was die Mode streng geteilt;
Alle Menschen werden Brüder,
Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

 Joy, thou glorious spark of heaven,
Daughter of Elysium,
We approach fire-drunk,
Heavenly One, your shrine.
Your magic reunites
What custom strictly parts;
All people become brothers,
Where your gentle wing alights.

   After the music died down, Zander told a short story and the crowd filed out.. everyone seemed to be floating.. some folks were aactually crying.. and.. I had missed nearly nearly all of it..    For the next 2 hours I had tons of  folks come up to me to ask me what I thought of this or that part of Zander’s presentation. No-one could believe I missed it..   I picked up bits and pieces of what he’d said through other people.. the basic message was about the wonderful possibilities presented by everyday life.. even in times of adversity.. I can cetaily relate to that..  The story I heard most often was that he played a Chopin piece twice.. first briskly.. then he played it again asking everyone to think of the loss of something they loved.. more than 30 people came up to tell me that they were thinking about Sam and our family I was so touched… and sad that I had missed it…  

    I eventually made my way down to lunch. Everyone I met was still talking about Zander’s talk.. I was getting more and more bummed about missing it..   I walked into the lunch room, and there he was. I went up to him and told him how sorry I was to have missed his talk. We started talking and I mentioned how many folks had thought about Sam during his Chopin piece.. He started asking me more about Sam and sat down and had lunch with me.. He was an amazing guy.. interested in everyone and everything.. distracted and focused at the same time..  We talked a bunch about Sam… I gave him a SamStone.. he dug into his bag and gave me one of his CD’s and a book that His wife and he had written called ‘the Art of Possibility’. .then he hugged me..  The morale of this story is… what ? I should pay attention to schedule better ? .. that all things work out in the end ? dunno.. I was very moved by the whole exchange.  Here’s Maestro Zander  on the left with another IBM guy, Jerry

   On the topic of hugging.. I lost track of the number of folks who came across crowded rooms over the past three days to give me a hug and ask about my family..  I feel emotionally recharged… at the same time it was surprisingly hard to re-tell the story so many times.. about Sam’s accident.. about how our family is doing… Sometimes when I talk about it , it seems like I’m hearing it from a distance.. like it’s someone else’s story.  Every time I say something like.. ‘when my son died’… I think.. ‘what did I just say !? ‘.. I will never get used to that….  You never do..

   Diane told me that today is the one year anniversary of the day Amanda Emberly died in a car accident  Amanda lived in Bolton and went to MMU . I remember so vividly how I felt the night she died. Our thoughts are with her family tonight…

    Looks like our plane is boarding.. I’ll upload some pictures and that video of the Ode to Joy tomorrow when I get bandwidth.. It’ll be good to be home…

I love you my family…  gnite

-jc

Ps. Happy birthday Jessie