This has got to be a very short post tonight.. I’m helping host a 3 day work meeting the next couple of days and I need to get my beauty rest.   Really not much to report today.. I am working hard to  manage my stress level at work by letting people know what I can and cannot handle in my current state of mind.  It seems to be  working well. When I explain to people what I’m capable of doing.. they always seem to understand.  I’m finding that folks are willing to help me get things done…  I’ve never been very good at delegating.. but there’s no time like the present.. now there’s an interesting expression.. there literally is ‘no time like the present’ .

   Outside of work., the day had it’s ups and downs. .it was another absolutely beautiful day.. I took advantage of it this morning to take Chi for a run in the woods. The ground is still a little mushy.. but it’s dry enough to run. I took my normal snowshoe loop but this time it was covered with new flowers and ferns. It could not have been more beautiful. The steep trails back there remind me how out-of shape I get in the winter time.

   I managed to get outside a few times during my work day as well. First I went to lunch with my buddy Paul.. then I took a walk with my friend Jen after lunch .. I find that  being outside in this beautiful weather makes me feel closer to Sam .

   I got home just in time to join Diane’s 6PM yoga class.. as always it was great to go from a hectic work day into a demanding yoga class.. I tell you.. I feel like a wimp next to some of those women in the class.. I always leave the class sore but relaxed…

After yoga, Ma x and Gabe headed into our friend Dan’s apartment to cook dinner.. Diane and I celebrated by eating cauliflower and tofu.. two things the kids would never touch.. it felt like we were getting away with something.

  After inner we got a call from Corporal Covert from the Florida Highway Patrol..  Corporal Covert is handling the investigation around Sam’s accident.. We’ve been waiting several months to get closure  on the accident report. Corporal Covert basically confirmed what we already pretty much knew. There was no outside reasons apparent for Sam’s accident. There was no indication of a malfunction of the crossing signals, there was o indication of excessive speed.. and the driver of the car had the right of way and was not impaired in any way. It’s hard to explain how this information affected me.. In one way.. it was only confirming what I already knew.. in another way it was comforting to finally get some closure on the details.. In a completely different way.. it was so difficult to be on the phone talking in a matter-of-fact way about the details of Sam’s death. It was very hard for me to keep it together.   In the end.. the details of Sam’s accident lined up with every thing else about his death.. no complications no loose ends.. it seems he was ready to go.. we can’t help thinking he had had to leave us for a reason.. if only we knew what it was…

   Oh Sam… we love you..

 

-dad

 
ps. Kerry B sent me the following picture from lacrosse. Each of the boys on Sam’s old team are carrying Sam’s number ’10’ on their helmets..   We love that..

 

It’s 7PM and I’m trying to see if I can get my blogging in a little earlier in the day. Most night now I’m doing it around 1-AM.. when I should be getting some sleep.. We’ll see how this goes.

Today was an emotional day for me. I can’t remember a more beautiful spring day.. I woke up earlier than I meant to.. We’d been up till about 3 with the after prom parry. I know that I was dreaming about Sam when I woke, I had a sad/sweet feeling..   It seems that set tone for the whole day.  I wandered downstairs and found the house still full of  prom goers.. many still asleep, but not all..  They were all tangled up on various sofas and beds looking pretty peacefull

For some reason I had a tremendous urge to clean the house and yard.. the combination of the fine weather and the availability of a bunch of post-prom helpers in the house kicked me into gear.. By about 1PM  we’d had :

Cleaned up after the party

Cleaned the garage

Gotten rid of a truckload of recycling

Moved  all of the sleds, skis, snowshoes, snow shovels etc up to the attic

Cleaned and vacuumed  the front entrance way and the front stair well

Moved all of the remaining wood which was stacked inside

Cleaned the yard up

Fixed the front door latch

Take down most of the exterior storm windows

Take down all of the interior storm windows

Thoroughly cleaned the ‘office’

Weeded through the mountain of papers, books and magazines that had started to compost near my side of the bed

It was great having the help.. and It felt so good to get all of this done.. at the same time, I was not at all prepared for how hard this  tradition of  swapping the seasons would hit me. Everything I touched, moved, lugged or threw   away took me right back  to Sam: his bike, his scooter, the wood he stacked.. his fishing tackle.. the storm window in his room.. and the attic.. every time I walk into the attic my knees buckle. Through the day I found myself bouncing   unpredictably between whistling and crying.  Diane calls these ‘leaky eye days’. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why everything  hit me so hard today  Maybe some of it was the reiki session yesterday that helped ‘unblock’ some of these emotion I’m letting go today…..Maybe some of it  was the fine day  ..  I think about how Sam would love this weather..    I know that at least some of it was the seasonal transition.  I see all the flowers and new growth in the wood .. rebirth everywhere … but no  Sam…  All these feelings are hard.. but not bad.. I feel like I’m exercising some muscles that have atrophied and need to be built back up

 Oy….

    As if on cue, Barbara P.. our good friend from the Richmond Congregational Church came buy to check on us… It’s always  so great talking to her.. she’s got great wisdom and love.. her nature is perfectly matched for her job .  We talked about how we were all doing . She had some good insights about the motivational issues that all four of us are facing as we try to go on  with ‘normal’.. We talked abotu the importance of mixing in some ‘not doing’  with all the ‘doing’ we’re doing.  in order to give us enought time to heal. She’s such a good friend.  As always,  I think  Its’ amazing that Barb has the time to come be with us  heathens when she has her own dedicated flock to look after.

    Later in the day, Sam’s old band, Black Knight Vengeance,  came by to practice. They’re thinking about bringing in an additional singer..  We just met Harley today.. he’s a really interesting and thoughtful guy.. great singer too.. He’s also very colorful.. check out this ink !

 

This one is amazing.. he’s got his heart right over his throat chakra.. he said he sings from his heart. If you met him.. you’d know what he means…

Well.. sounds like dinner is getting near.. so I better go help. I hope everyone is enjoying the fine weather… Please send  Sam… and the rest of us…your good vibes when you’re out soaking up Spring.. we could use  that good energy now.. thanks !

-jc

It was about 2;0 before I finally got to bed last night. after picking up Max and getting him home..  We were very gld ot have him back.. dane even decorated a cake !

 

 Luckily I managed to sleep until about 9 30.. We were all pretty lazy, so we all just hung out until about 11 when it was time to head to Milton for Gabe’s first Lacrosse game of the season.. Actually.. the first Lacrosse game of his life. Scott decided to come with us… so Diane, Scott, Chain and I piled in the car and drove up to Milton. I remember this Milton field mostly because of some very wet and cold times that we came here to watch Sam play…   Today, however,  was a sparklingly beautiful day.. a little cool and windy.. but perfect for being outside.  We tossed down our blanket. Bundled ourselves up against the wind and watch Gabe start his Lacrosse career. 

 At one point I must of fell asleep.. because I woke up to find  the team.  ,the fans, Diane Scott and Chai all gone. The first game was over.. and everyone .. but me.. had moved to the next field

 I’m not a sports guy.. but I’ve learned to really like Lacrosse.. it’s very fast paced and they seem to make new rules all the time to keep it interesting.. that’s all I need to keep me interested  (my nap experience not withstanding) Gabe … and the team.. really did a good job today..   

 

    Scott borrowed my camera and managed to get some good action shots of the team.. Here’s a good one he took of Gabe.. Scott also showed me two new features on my camera which allow you to swap and manipulate colors.  You, fair reader, will have to tolerate me playing with these features for a few days until the novelty wears off;

  

    After Lacrosse, we headed home (by way of Juniors Pizza.. Yum !). and hung out at home for a few hours.. We used the time to straighten up the house a little for tonight’s post-prom party and fool with the camera some more…

 

Around 7 we all headed over to Max’s girlfriend, Jessie’s, house to send the off to the prom The Chaces had picked u Sushi and the three couples ate raw fish while the adults all hung in the kitchen and took pictures of them. It was great.. They all looked great…  

 

We left Jessie’s around 8:30ish and headed back to Richmond We stopped at Carol and Mike’s  on the way .   Mike was throwing  a big Cinco del Mayo party for Carol  who’s turning 40 on Wed. There were lots of our Richmond friends there.. We saw some people we hadn’t seen in years. it was really quite a cool party.

 

We got home around 11:3in time to meet the first post-prom party goers.. By about 12:30 our house was full of people again. It’s so cure watching the kids come in to the house wearing fancy dresses and tuxes.. and then seeing them transforming themselves back into their grunge casual in less than 30 seconds each.. It’s like a reverse butterfly process…  Right now.. about 20 of them are downstairs singing show tunes really loudly. It’s going to be a long, fun night..

Sam join in whenever you’d like !

 -jc

 

Late last night Diane reminded me that I had a Reiki appt at 9 this morning.   Somehow I hadn’t remembered to put it on my calendar, so I had to start rearranging my calendar the moment I woke up. To do that. I had to turn on my laptop, which exposed me to several urgent/unpleasant emails waiting for me in my mailbox.   By the time I got to Marci’s for my Reiki session, I was already pretty grumpy  She managed to turn that around pretty quickly. . The thing I like about Reiki is that even though my brain ‘knows’ it can’t work, it does anyway..

Marci is trying to help me be more resilient/resistant to the day to day pressures that are building back in my work.  I left there feeling much more balanced. 

 I worked through the morning trying to prepare for a large meeting next week which I’m excited/nervous about. Mid day I met my friend John M for lunch  at  Mexecali. I love that place.. I don’t even have to tell them my order because  all  the folks there know what I like. John is a great guy. He sought me out after Sam’s death to talk to me about grieving. He lost both of his parents in an accident several years ago. He wanted to share his own experience and path towards healing in the hopes of helping me.. and it has.. Even though our situations are very different, My  experience trying to ramp back into life seems to have some similar challenges to John’s . He described it pretty well.. even though he looked ‘back’ to his colleagues… he didn’t  really feel  all there. He said that his memory was fine.. but when it came to problem solving/, there were times he just couldn’t do it. That’s exactly what I’m going through now. I don’t have any trouble remembering facts, people or connections.. but  I get so muddled when ever I have to synthesize… or work something out.. It’s really hard because those are some of the things I always felt that I was good at..    John and I also talked about spiritual growth.. again.. our  experiences and backgrounds  are quite different.. but it really helped to talk about it…   I’m so grateful that he is taking the time to talk to me at this point…

  The rest of  the day was a mix of short telephone conferences and emails.. I bugged out early so I could go down to New Haven  to help Homer unload the milling machine.  I got down to Homer’s shop a little before he returned.. so I plopped down on some rocks and started at the beautiful clear sky…  When Homer got back we unloaded the pieces of the mill and started to work on the table we’re planning to use as a new base  for the machine… It was grubby work.. but it was a beautiful afternoon…

We then shifted our focus to getting the mill reassembled.. we did a lot of head scratching and giving each other dumb looks.. there is a manual with the thing.. but neither of us wanted to be first to have to resort to it J … We got pretty far.. but In the end.. we did have to start reading   

.. About that time, I had to head back to Richmond…

    Diane was already up at Townsend’s so I went directly  there.. they were having a big bonfire for no particular reason.. They had another feast spread out up there.. and lots of our friends were there.

Deb made an interesting observation tonight.. their house  was always full of  their kids’ friends.. now.. since Sam’s passing… it’s also often filled with their kids, friends parents.. we’ve all become so close over the last 5 months.   I did spend some time staring into the fire.. I love watching the parks fly into the night sky. Someone said that each spark is a soul. I wonder.. I tried taking a few time-lapse pictures of the parks and got the following  If you look closely you’ll see a big ‘S’ traced out by one of the sparks.. if you look closely you can trace out other letters.. take a look…. !  ( I traced them to help you see)

   We got home around 11.. about 30 minutes later I had to dive to the airport to pick up Max… He’s just finished up his last semesters classes down at Pratt. His plain was about 30 minutes late.. by that time I’d fallen asleep on the floor of the airport terminal. I woke just as the plane landed. I could tell the moment that I saw Max that a great weight had been lifted off of him.. it was now summer vacation for him !.. I’m very proud of how hard he’s worked the last several weeks…    It’s wonderful to have him back home…

All my kids are with me now… you too Sam.

-me

ps. Max just reminded me that today is the one year anniversary of the day that our pet bird Gabi died. I remember that day so well. It was one of the hardest day my family had ever had together.  Sam loved that bird.. so did I.