Sometimes… you start down one path than have to change idrections and take another. My oringal tack for tonigth was to tell you about our daying spent cleaning the house in prep for the halloween party.  Our party is not ontil Oct 27^th.. but this is the last Saturday between then and now that  I’ll be here to get ready for it. I was going to make the point that the only thing that seperated “garbage” and “garage” was the letter “b” which must explain why our garage was so full of junk…   I was also  going to tell you how hard it was spending all that time in the Attic … There are so many memories packed in up there…

I’d even found the perfect song to include… the one I was singing to myself as I waded through all those memories…

 

by The Grateful Dead

            In the attics of my life

    Full of cloudy dreams unreal

    Full of tastes no tongue can know

    And lights no eye can see

    When there was no ear to hear

    You sang to me

 

    I have spent my life

    Seeking all that’s still unsung

    Bent my ear to hear the tune

    And closed my eyes to see

    When there were no strings to play

    You played to me

 

    In the book of love’s own dreams

    Where all the print is blood

    Where all the pages are my days

    And all my lights grow old

 

    When I had no wings to fly

    You flew to me

    You flew to me

 

    In the secret space of dreams

    Where I dreaming lay amazed

    When the secrets all are told

    And the petals all unfold

    When there was no dream of mine

    You dreamed of me

Here’s a good recording of the Dead singing it.

But then.. the eveing took a really funny and different turn.. Aftr the day of  cleaning, Diane and I decided to go into Burlinton for a night of shopping and eating. Gabe was with friends. After a quick round of shoping. We ended up at Primas for a great Thai dinner then came home. We’d just settled into bed at about 11:30 when we heard a noise in the wall of our closet. We’d been listening to the same noise for about 24 hours. We knew it was a mouse stuck in the wall. Ast night we both were listening to it struggle at 3AM. I was thinking abut how loney and frigtening it must be for that poor creuatre. I’d made a half hearted attempt to find the mouse this morning.. but no luck/. This evening. We were able to  run over and pin-point the locati on of the noise. It was in the small wall between our closet doors. I went and grabbed some tools and As I did, another mouse ran next to diane’s foot downstairs
!.

Here’s the mouse hole downstairs

I came back upstairs and set to work  work cutting the wallboard  I finaly got the board cut and backed out the screws holding the freed up segment. I eased the sheetrock off the wall.. ‘the’ mouse ran straight at me .. I jumped out of it’s way and it dissapeared down a hole in the floor.  I was laughing histerically at this when diane shouted, “I got him”.. Evidently.. there had been  2 mice trapped in the wall ! Diane had capturd the other one in a poly box. The poor creature was really frigthened and half starved. We took it downtairs and gave it something  to eat..

 Then Diane and I walked it across the Winooski bridge.

We released the little guy along with a handfull of pecans for food. He wasn’t interested in staying around to eat…..  

As we walked back home we heard a coayote howl, a goose honk and the beaver slap the water beneath us.. It was like they were all saying ‘thanks’ for saving Mr. Mouse.

Heeres the bevers’s slap disturbing the moonlight on the water. 

I’m finally back in bed.. andi’ts nearly 1.. So I’ll stop here.. never a dull moment !

 

Love you guys.. love you Sam !

 

-me

 

Almost 1Am and I’m just sitting down to blog. Even worse.. I can’t find any glasses.. this will prove once and for all if I can really touch type. My eyes have gotten so bad that I can’t read what I’m typing   (Luckily the font on the spell checker IS big enough to read) . 

 

Not really that much to report today.. I’m in such an altered mental state today.. I can’t really remember much that happened … one thing that’s interesting is that I seem to be getting some really weird and powerful mixed signals for the cosmos.. Normally (when was the last time that word applied?!) .. Normally.. when things are going really well for me.. That is.. my energies are aligned with my life’s purpose.. and I’m more or less harmonious with the world.. lots of really good things start happening to me.. lots of interesting coincidences start popping up.. everything seems to converge. Conversely.. when I’m feeling bad.. I feel out of synch with the world.. and nothing works.. nothing lines up.   I’ve always called this aligning with (or not aligning with) ‘the matrix’..( and  I have been calling it that for more than 32  years.. long before Neo showed up)

The last couple of days I’ve sensing  a pattern that I never remember seeing before.. I feel really low.. particularly about my work.. yet at the same time.. I’m getting a strong cosmic message that I’m in the right path.   On the work part.. I can’t hjelp feeling that I’m leaving so many loose ends at my work.. I’ve really not been effective over the past 10 months .. and all the things I’ve been trying to push forward seem to be falling apart just asI try to switch hears. Part of me wants to stay and try to fx everything.. the other part.. the wiser part.. tells me that I simply can’t..   It really gets me down.. I woke up many time last night thinking about how badly I’ve screwed up   .. On the other hand though.. I’m getting a tremendously good feeling about the new direction I’m taking. Not for any specific reason.. but for the way I’m feeling the world react to my decision to take a break. My coincidence-o-meter is pegged.. the last couple of days have been jam packed with unexplainable connections  . Normally this would mean that I was perfectly aligned with the world and everything was falling into place. When that happens I feel like I’m riding the crest of a powerful wave…  Right now though.. I feel like I’m in a deep rut..  Avery few of these coincidences  include:

– a call from out of the blue from my  old friend Jay   He’s been writing a new (and really excellent) ‘holistic engineering’ text for college undergraduates. He was calling to ask me to help write a version of this book for us in high schools.. Wouldn’t that be cool (though Dinae reminds me that the four books I’ve helped write have been among the worst experiences of my lifeJ .. ). It’s a coincidence of sorts that this type of outreach activity would land on my lap just as I’m about to start this ‘sabbatical’ at ibm on outreach… But it’s stranger than that.. Jay wants the two of us to collaborate on the book with his brother’s  old college roommate… who’s now the director of the Boston Museum of Science.. who happens to be a friend of my mother’s.. and she’s been trying to  introduce us for a couple of years (Mom.. it’s Yannis)

– Yesterday I was talking to a new friend Courtney C. from California. Courtney has created a program called Science Buddies (http://www.sciencebuddies.org/_ )   which helps kids find science fair project ideas. My friend Craig from AMD had gotten us together around the idea of getting  graduate students in the US to help mentor these projects..  It turns out the Courtney had been pitching this idea to a woman in IBM Almaden who told her she needed to talk to someone in Stan L’s area in IBM’s Corporate Citizenhip and Corporate Affairs .. That will be my department come Nov 1.

 

-About 15 minutes into the call I mentioned a friend of mine that made a business of  of selling those tri-fold cardboard backdrops for science fairs.. She immediately knew I was talking about my biddy Mark O.. She’d just met with him a few days ago in California.. I had lunch with him last Friday in Burling. And Mark lives in Tampa.. pretty freaky.

– Stranger still a few days back.. maybe a week and a half ago.. I called Courtney.. and she told me she was at the NextFest technology fair in LA..   /. The day before I had connected with my old gradate school buddy Paul D.. who I hadn’t spoken with in years. Paul had just moves to Redmond to work for Microsoft.. He also had told me he was going to Next Fest.. I mentioned to Courtney to look out for Paul.. she told me that they’d already met.. in fact they were in adjacent stalls in this huge exhibition center and had been talking all day.

 

– Speaking of Mark. O. I was standing at my window at work today looking at two deer who were right outside the window.. That was strange enough.. but as I stood there.. a guy I’d never seen come up to me and introduced himself as Tom R.. He was a boyhood friend of the same Mark O’s.. he just wanted to introduce himself.

-As part of my new rotational job I’ve been asked to help brainstorm on how video game technology might be used to help kids understand environmental issues.. Completely coincidently I was asked  today to join a brainstorming session n that exact topic with the Echo center.. and my new friends at Champlain College

 

Actually.. the list keeps on going.. it may not sem like much to you gentle reader.. but too me.. there’s a powerful magic when this many things start to align  I should also say that I feel that Sam so strongly in all of these connections. I can’t explain how.. but I fel him so powerfully right now..

 

OK.. I’m rambling.. It’s almost 2 and I need to sleep.. How this is legiblele and intelligible.. I can’t read it without my glasses..   

 

Gnite all. Gnite Sam

 

-me

 

Today Diane, Gabe and I had to go to the hospital to get immunizations for our trip to India. 

Gabe helps me remember where we parked

It was the first time I’d been in the new FAHC building. In fact  it was the first time I’d been in a hospital since Sam’s passing. It was hard being there  for me.. really hard.  We had planned an hour for this meeting, but it took twice that, We met with a cool doctor that told us more than we would ever want to know about types of bugs, germs, fungi and parasites that we’re going to be traveling with us on this trip.   It’s a wonder anyone goes anywhere give what we heard.  We were offered a menu of  immunizations . The doc was not allowed to tell us what to do.. only lay out the options. It felt like a combination of game show and some sort of twisted restaurant.  I ordered ala cart.. I chose the Hepatitis A and the DPT injection.. I ordered it intramuscular.. just the way I like it. I had oral Typhus for desert. Gabe and Diane ordered light.. they both opted just for the Hepatitis A.

 Gabe tries to hide

In the consulting room

Dinae is brave

Gabe is brave

John’s a chicken

other arm

all done

and here’s dessert

You know the whole thing had two   parallels  for me.  OK.. first the hard one.  I had been walking around for 4 days knowing that I was going to get at least one shot today..  I woke up for  the last few days knowing that I was going to have something unpleasant and painful today.. Just like now.. I wake every morning knowing that I am going to go around missing Sam.. feeling that pain.   Sometimes really bad..  It’s a very hard way to live.. On the other hand.. the event itself, the shot.. did not hurt like I had imagined. The anticipation of it hurting was so much worse than the actual event. Again another parallel.. my anticipation of how bad I think I’m going to feel in the future.. especially on certain days like birthdays… never seems to be as bad as I expect…OK.. not too deep.. but it’s  the kind of analysis I can’t seem to help doing every moment of every day.

 

One cool thing that happened through the day is I kept getting notes from folks who were in the audience at the talk I gave in Cambridge yesterday. Folks were writing to thank me for being honest about the work life balance question when I talked about Sam’s death Several of them told me about their own  stories which were cool to hear.

 

Speaking of stories… We got some word from our friends Mason, Rusty, Tyler and Alex  traveling in Europe.. Here’s a note we got from Tyler‘s mom Gretchen..

 

 

> HI Diane,

>

> The boys are in London at a State Radio concert as I write.  I also just

> met the new neighbors who moved in across the street.  The young woman I

> met is a friend of Chad‘s from ….State Radio.  (Another coincidence in

> life.) This woman grew up with Chad, they played together alot as little

> kdis.

>

> Tyler called yesterday. They are all doing well.  They seem to be having a

> grand time.  I guess Alex walker (Mowalka)  and Tyler took a walk around

> London at 10pm on sunday night.  He said they walked around for 2 hours.

> I don’t know if it was during his night walk or during the day, but they

> went by Big Ben and the parliament.  Tyler did mention things are expensive

> over there.  They were getting ready to have their first “real meal” since

> landing in Dublin.  I guess bread and cheese have been sustaining them.

> They went to the market and bought food to cook AND wine to drink.  It is

> my understanding it doesn’t cost much more than the bottled water.

>

> Tomorrow at 5 am they have to be at the train station to board for the

> trip to Amsterdam.  They take a train to Harwich, then a 6 hour ferry

> ride, then another train up to Amsterdam where Marshall‘s niece lives.

> Lisa said they’ve already stocked the frig for the boys.  Lisa is the one

> getting married in a month in Italy.  We will meet the boys there.

>

> Namaste,.  Gretchen

>

>

 

 

It’s fun to track their travels.. My travels are now taking me to bed.. More tomorrow !

Nite all.. nite Sam

 

-me

 

11PM and just home from an 800 mile loop that included Brooklyn, Armonk, and Cambridge. At one level I really enjoy trips like this. I really love all the quiet uninterrupted personal time while driving. At the same time I miss my family like crazy when I’m away. I’m really going t be ratcheting back on travel when I take this new temporary assignment in November.

 

Today was fun and productive. It started at Ruchir and Rashi’s.. As always, those guys were amazing hosts. By the time I got down for breakfast this morning, Rashi was already cooking breakfast… today it was delicious pancakes made of fermented rice and lentils mixed with onion and peppers. It was so tasty..

After a  quick breakfast, I got on the road for Cambridge. I was on work calls in route all the way. Phone calls make the miles really melt away.  It seemed like the 3 hour drive took about 20 minutes.

 I get these messages every time I drive

I got to Cambridge around noon,  jus tin time to be able to help host one of the lunch tables at the seminar I was speaking at. This is one of my favorite aspects of my job.. the ability to sit down and talk to large groups of new, smart and motivated people all the  time. These folks were  about 150  mid career ‘high potential’ technical employees from our software, services and research organizations. I learned so much by talking to them.

After lunch I had a bunch of day job stuff to do.. Around 2:30 I wondered down to give my talk on technical career development. Like always, I was so nervous before the talk.. I was having trouble getting myself jazzed to give a fun and inspiring talk… ‘fun’ is hard to do on demand.. and given how low I’ve been feeling lately.. I was worried.. Somehow, though.. when they told me to start talking.. I started having fun.. and the talk went pretty well.  One interesting observation from this group is that most of them have change jobs several times even though they’ve only been around for 10 years or so. I told them that I was a poor role model for them because I’m basically in the same job  I was hired into in 1981.   Maybe that why  taking this  new rotational assignment feels like such a big deal to me.,

 

After my talk I moderated a career panel which had  4 senior technical folks from different  organizations.

It was great getting these folks perspective on career dos and don’ts. I got much out of listening to them..   One of the questions we got as a panel was about work-life balance.. The women asked if we had made many life compromises to advance in the company.. The panel had some great comments on that… Then I added my story about Sam’s passing. I told them that I had done a bunch of questioning  over the last 10 months about work-life issues. Had I worked to hard ? too much ? to intensely.. I admitted that even though I’ve still had lots of fun, I think I’ve worried too much about work stuff over the past  26 year.  I also know that Sam’s passing has really fundamentally changed the way I view my priorities. Talking about it got me pretty choked up.. but I got my thoughts out.  I knew I had to talk about Sam in that forum.. yet I was also worried  about the  effect that story might have on the crowd. The response was actually wonderful. I had some many folks come up and talk to me about Sam after the talk. It made me happy that I’d responded to the panel question from my heart. 

 

The panel was over a bit after 4… It was 4:30 by the time I got out of there. I had a 5-6 meeting I had to pre for .. so I fund a spare office and got to work… After my meeting I grabbed a quick byte in the  Cambridge Mall food court. This was the same place that Sam and I had eaten when we were down here 4 years ago on a field trip..  

I then found my car and started heading north. There was a beautiful moon rising and the traffic was light.

It was a great evening for driving.    My one disappointment was that I was too late to catch  Hooksett Fireworks.. (though I had a nice phone call with the great lady that owns the place)..

 

Now that I’m home I’m really, really tired.. Time for bed..   I walked upstaris and found that soemone  had booby trapped the stairs with a taling skeleton.. (Gabe ?!?)

Talk to you all tomorrow

 

-‘Nite all.. ‘Nite Sam.

 

-me