Monthly Archives: December 2007

Wednesday night – babys

Most mornings I go out into the world having no clue what I’m going to face… and no clue what I’m going to write about in this blog. Somehow, most days brings something I feel that it’s important for me to reflect on. Today it came in the form of a folded piece of notebook paper that my friend Ron handed me at lunch. Ron’s son Nick and Sam were friends from the time they were 4 or 5  years old. Ron told me that about 10 years ago, when Nick was 5, he an Ron were working on writing skills. They were writing short silly Dr. Seuss like stories for practice. Nick came up with the following short story about Sam and me which Ron wrote down … and found today in his office as he cleaned up .

I’ve read that paper so many times today. I’m so glad that Ron kept it. Nick and his friend Nick R. played “If I could I would” at Sam’s memorial service last year.

The rest of the day was a mix of phone conference calls. I managed to squeeze in a quick haircut. with our friend Deb. She told me today that she’s getting married in June..

I left a little early from work to get in some xmas shopping. First stop was Fire and Metal where I saw my friends Marty and Doug. Their son Jonathon has just moved to Vietnam where’s he’s working for Unesco.

I then went back to Queen City steel to get a little more metal for a present I’m making for/with Gabe.. It’s cool to have a winch to load stuff on your roof rack

I got home around 6 and soon after headed up to the baby shower that Deb, Diane and  Jen  were throwing for Hannah and Dave.. They’re due on Dec 21st…  but I’m betting for sooner… look at that belly !  I think pregnant people are so beautiful.

I couldn’t help noticing Gabe’s beautiful feet were also at the party.  Socks and feet that only a father could love.

He wanted me to show everyone that he lost a toe nail.. yuck !

Speaking of baby showers.. I heard tonight form my friend Glenn in Australia that his wife Liesel just gave birth to their third child.. baby Samantha (love that name !) .. this is the wonderful circle of life. Here’s Samantha with her brother Thomas and sister Katie

Well.. that’s all for tonight.. More tomorrow. Gnite all, gnite Sam..
-me

Tuesday evening – happy ?

Quiet day.. not much to report. I new I’d be busy today so I snuck out or a snowshoe with Chai around 8:30. I had a call at 9.. which I took out in the woods as Chai and I puffed our way up the hills in the back. The nice thing about my job now is that much of it is on the phone.. why not do it while snowshoeing ?
The trouble is .. I had back to back calls all morning.. which didn’t get me a break to take a shower (which one needs after snowshoeing !)  So.. I managed to take a shower during one of those calls… Thanks goodness that picture phones never caught on !

I did manage to get into work.. and had a fun meeting with Bill and Scott, too friends from a company we work with. I’ve known these guys for so long and through so many companies that mostly we just gossip. My field is relatively small, so everyone knows everyone else.. it was good to catch up.

My next meeting was an interesting experiment of a meeting held in a ‘virtual world’ All the attendees ‘met’ in a simulated 3d world.. The organizers are trying to figure out if dressing up your animated character (or avatar) and ‘attending’ a meeting in a virtual world is more valuable that a simple conference call. Today’s meeting wasn’t too convincing.. all of us kept bumping into each other and running into things.. But it was fun to see folks ‘gathered’ for the meeting. This technology is going to advance very rapidly over the next few years.. it may well be the way that some meetings and training sessions are held in the future.. though it won’t get my vote until you can all go out and have a virtual beer after the virtual meeting.

In the afternoon I had a real meeting .. not phone.. not virtual world… with the team at Champlain. We had a good talk about the shape of the project we’re doing together. I’m so impressed with these students. I’d pay to work with them .
Poor guys were all pretty beat. They’re all in the throws of final projects and exams.. I’m so glad that I no longer need to go through that..

After the Champlain meeting.. one more work meeting then a little manic holiday shopping.. The music and decorations didn’t trouble me too much today. I think I have a muted form of the holiday spirit in me.  Sam’s in my thoughts every minute.. So are Gabe and Max… I want to give them a good xmas this year..

I guess I sort of am ….

Aspects of it surely are… .. but other parts … are too so, so sad


I managed to get to Queen City Steel right before they closed… I’m trying to make a few xmas presents for people.. Can you believe that  these guys don’t gift wrap  ?!

I met up with Diane and Gabe at Sikuras for dinner which was fun, then went to an IEEE meeting about hybrid cars. The Sales manager from our local Toyota place was the speaker.. it’s ironic.. that as he spoke, our poor Prius is spending it’s 3rd day at his shop undergoing ‘observation’.. and possible exorcism.

OK.. not much more to report.. more on the morrow…
Gnite all, Gnite Sam
-me

ps. I’v ebene trying to catch up on mthe many SamStone placements that folks have sent us since thanksgiving.. Many cool new places.  You can now browse all the SamStone placement stories and pictures here.  I loved this picture of my friend Uwe’s daughter at Dante’s View in Death Valley, California

Monday night – invisible

Busy day today. I managed to get many things done.. but somehow was in a fog just the same. I went in to my Burlington office for the first time in several weeks. I’ve been on-site a few times, but haven’t made it upstairs to my actual desk.  been either  working from home, traveling in NY, at meeting in town (e.g. Champlain) or on vacation. It felt really weird to be walking around work.. Just like my experience with shopping, I’m observing that I don’t necessarily want to be seen. I catch  myself ‘slinking’ down the hall hoping not to run into anyone I know… And not running into anyone I know is sort of impossible for me.. anywhere.  I say “I’m observing” this about myself, because I’m trying not to judge which of my current reactions to life are good or bad. They just are.. I’m guessing that my current new shyness is also a little about the season. maybe it will pass.. or maybe this is who I’m becoming.. we’ll see.

   Again, my day was productive but not noteworthy… I like these kind of days now.   I got home a little late and joined Dines 6PM Yoga class already in progress… She really worked us today… I love that class. When we came back in I listened to a  message from Avery about a Sam moment she had yesterday. (You can listen to it here) I’m having and hearing of so many of these wierd coincidences in the past weeks. Our Antennae are up !

While I was recording Avery’s message, I lifted a copy of the message that’s still on our voicemail at home.. (listen here)  I like listening to it.. Eventually, I guess we should change it.. but I don’t want to yet. You can even here our old bird Gabby in the background..

Another audio story… I’m trying to get back into the regular meditation practice that I’ve done for years… I was wondering struggling to lie down and do it.. When I finally did last night I realized how deep the associations I had with my old favorite meditation music.. most folks repeat something.. a mantra…  to themselves to help them shut out idle chatter in their minds and help them focus . My mantra with this music was always ‘… diane..  max.. sam.. gabe … diane.. max.. sam.. gabe… ‘ . I realize I was avoiding the music .. and my meditation.. because I felt the mantra would make me sad…    As soon as I tried it again I found that it actually made me happy.   My love for my family is still and will always be whole…

Well.. gotta go and meditate now.. Namaste folks.. namaste Sam.

-me

Sunday night – candles

We had a peaceful and productive day..  It began with me in the basement trying to sort out how to purge the air that was in the baseboards in our room. We’d been without heat up there all season… which was ok so far.. but with January coming.. I figured it needed to be fixed. Thanks to excellent phone caching from Marshal I was able to figure out how to purge the system… and it was fun having scalding. poison laden water sprayed at me from all directions. I can’t believe I actually got it to work !
   We took Gabe up to Bolton, then, as a reward for our labors, Diane, Chai and I went out on cross country skis.. (Chai doesn’t’ have her own.. she always tries to jump up on mine.)  It was our first time out on them for the year. The woods are still filled with Hunters until tomorrow.. so we stuck to the Rivershore trail .. It was beautiful out there.

I picked Gabe up around 1 and took him to a friends to hang out while Diane and I dropped the poor Prius at the repair show. We then headed down town for a few hours of xmas shopping.

I have to admit it’s very hard for me to get into the spirit of shopping. It’s still very sad for me to walk into a bright store full of people and stuff…. lot’s of stuff.. and get excited about buying things. Sam’s death is still so raw to me.. and the thought of more  ‘things’ just doesn’t get me excited anymore. I’ve always enjoyed the social part of shopping. Now I notice that I try to avoid being seen…. which isn’t easy.. since many folks seems to know us and our story.  I don’t make eye contact so readily… I don’t rush across stores to greet friends.. I try to remain invisible. I’m not so sure I understand this.. I’m just noticing it.

The good part of doing the shopping was getting some of it done.. and the chance to hang out with Diane for a while.. Around 5 we’d had enough and headed back to Richmond. We picked up Gabe and headed to Williston for dinner at Steve and Ann Marie’s.

As soon as we got there, we got out out ‘Sam’ candle and lit it in observance of the 7PM worldwide candle lighting organized by Compassionate Friends. The candle lighting is to honor all the children who have died in the world. According to the Compassionate Friends website. this is the largest candle lighting event ever planned in world.  At the same moment. Avery and friends were holding a candle lighting ceremony in Underhill where they were thinking of Sam.. It was good to know that Sam was on people’s minds tonight. 

We lit the candle and looked at it for awhile and thought of Sam. Oh my son….
It’s so easy to go right to that raw pain.

We sat in that for a bit.. then turned back in to the nice evening ahead of us. We have to handle these juxtapositions of moods every day.  One  thing we did before dinner was to light the chanukah candles.This night,  Gabe lit them with a burning corn chip.. Probably a first.

Steve and Ann Marie had prepared a Mexican feast.. It all smelled so good…

We all sat down and enjoyed the wonder meal and wonderful company…

It was a wonderful evening.. We really enjoyed ourselves.. Life goes on.. and in a way  it doesn’t..

That’s all for now…. more tomorrow. Love you all.. love you Sam

-me