Today was relatively peaceful.. Chai and I went for a run this morning in about 3 inches on new snow.. I was pretty sure that snow season was gone.. but here I am.. one more day writing Sam’s name in the snow.   Chai loves the snow because she can follow the trails of dogs and other animals that have used the trail before us.. She ran off after some tracks this morning and it took me about 10 minutes to find her.. grrrrrr. 

    I always like this time of year when the snow comes and covers the mud.. I don’t know why it appeals to me so much.. I think it’s that the clean white covers up the brown gunk that is forming everywhere.. For those of you who don’t live in Vermont.. we’re  in Mud Season… the fourth season in Vermont. It’s when the dirt roads finally thaw out leaving pools of axel deep mud.. Lovely. .. but it makes Vermont, Vermont.. and how I love Vermont !

   I had another full day at work.. I am now back at nearly the same level of over programming that I was before Sam died. That means that nearly every minute of every day is filled with some meeting or other.. generally a teleconference. .  That means I’m in my office with the door closed pacing circles with the speaker phone on.. .  I think it will be hard to do..   I don’t even usually have time for lunch. In some ways it feels good to be getting back in the swing of things.. at the same time.. I’m being very protective of the lower stress and more mindful John that I’ve become over the past four months. I’m going to have to work very hard not to work too hard.. if htat makes any sense.

    For those of you who have never seen my office.. .. here’s office number 2..

Note that there’s nothing on the walls and practically no furniture. I moved in here about a year ago  when office number 1 got filled with junk. The walls are covered with pictures. I haven’t even been in there in about 5 months.. .. I need to go in there and clean it out.. that’s going to be hard to do on many levels.. For what it’s worth.. I’m being  asked to move into office number 3 pretty soon.. Maybe I just work out of a suitcase 

   Sometimes when I’m on conference calls I work on the SamStones website trying to organize it better.   I’m always open to suggestions on how to make it more interesting and worthwhile.   Today I added a widget on SamSttones.org  and on my blog that shows where peoples are who have visited the sites… I’m kind of curious who’s reading this blog and where they are..   It’s kind of strange writing all this stuff down and not knowing where it goes.. It’s also kind of fun.. in an exhibitionistic kind of way.

   Tonight is pretty peaceful.. Gabe just came down from an afternoon snowboarding. Evidently conditions are great at Bolton again.. Max is in the barn really working hard to finish up his Pratt work.. He seems to be making good  progress now.. Diane just came back from being out with Deb and Jen while they waited for the girls at dance lessons..  .. and I’m just sprawled out on the couch relaxing .. Life is approaching  good….  at times. .. Sam.. at times..

-jc

 

 

    

Short day, long fun evening. I had a funny realization as I left the office this afternoon. I walked into my office this morning at 9:30 (already two phone meetings into the day) , closed the door , sat down, picked up the phone then didn’t stand up or see another human until 5:00. this afternoon. I was n phone meetings all day without a break  I didn’t get up to eat… or drink  or even go to the restroom  It seemed like the day passed by in a flash.  I’m not sure how I managed to do that.. but I was busy and productive (I think).    Strange..

    I got home around 5:30 to help set up for our one day late Passover Seder.  Diane and the boys had already gotten everythign ready.

It turned out that we had 20 people total  so it was like another spontaneous party. Even though Hannah Deene and I were the only Jewish folks in the room, everyone got into the sprit. As folks were showing up, I realized that I could not find my stash of Hagadahs,, (haggadot ?)  anywhere in the house.. Frantically I went online looking for one we could use. I found several.. Ironically.. none of them free.,,   I dropped 18 bucks for one and started to print it out only to find it was like 72 pages.. ! Yikes.. I quickly found another.. this one only 16 bucks that promised  ‘The 30 Minute Seder.. Blends brevity with tradition‘.. no joke. Believe it or not.. it had all the important points.. even the songs So what if it was a little ‘readers digest-y J. I printed out a few and we gathered everyone around for dinner.   We managed to get the whole service  in before anyone started dozing off or throwing  food. Hannah and I sort of co-lead the service while we let everyone take turns with the readings. We did a fair bit f discussion .. Luckily we all had the common experience of having seen Charlton Heston in the 10 commands.. the definitive version of the old testament story.   We talked through the story of Passover and the traditions of the Seder plate.. the stuff you eat, the four questions (manisha tah nah, chalilah chazeh.. mechoch halelot ahno okleen… )..  the ten plaques, the four cubs of wine.. buy the end our heads were swimming with numbers.. or was it the cheap sweet manishevitz we were drinking.  

There are a few hard parts of the ceremony for me.. we ate the new green parsley which represents the new life of spring.. dipped in the salty water that represents the tears of loss.. I was thinking of Sam there.. I was also thinking of Sam  when we poured the glass of wine for the Prophet Elijah.. we poured another glass for Sam and took them outside for the two of them..

  We got to the fourth glass of wine, sang a few songs (most jews can’t sing) then hit the feast.   Folks had brought all sorts of traditional foods.. matzo ball soup, gefilte fish, fresh asparagus, fish chicken.. it was all really delicious..  I think everyone had a good time with the  celebration..   After dinner, the kids went running around the downstairs searching for the  afekommen the piece of the middle matzo that I’d hidden while everyone closed their eyes.. The person who finds it is supposed to get a fabulous prize… Ian T found it tonight his sort of fabulous prize was a bag of chocolate eggs.. which he graciously shared with everyone… What a guy.. As if that wasn’t enough sweets, Diane brought out a birthday cake ad cie cream for Avery L’s birthday which was yesterday… more food !

   Things started to quiet down around 10ish.. the kids started playing music and the grown folks did the mountain of dishes. It was great hearing the kids play music together…It was a great end to a great day..

As a final part of cleanup ,  I went out to get the  glasses of wine we’d pt out for Elijah and for Sam… only to find that Sam’s glass had tipped over and was empty.. Hope you liked it Sam

 -jc

Not much to report for the day. It was one of those drizzly grey days that mutes your senses. I got home around six and everyone was pretty subdued.. Diane was hard at work making egg rolls.. a  family favorite.. Tonight  anything that wasn’t moving got made into egg rolls this evening.. in addition to the normal stuff.. there were hot dog egg rolls, banana egg rolls,.. not sure what else. We had fun making gross noises with the mustard and ketchup containers.. typical dinner with four  males  in the house.…

   After dinner Diane brought out a book that she’d found for her birthday.. It was a book on Mayan calendar  birthday ‘readings’ By this book. Everyone is assigned one of 20 ‘solar glyphs’ and one of 13 ‘tones’ based on your date of birth.. The descriptions of each of these are fun to read in a fortune-cookie kid of way..   I particularly liked the kind of oddly specific  descriptions of some of these glyphs  and tones.. For example.. Gabe and I have the solar Glyph ‘Manik’

which has the description learning to make wonderful things and to enjoy being alive. You attain the ability to make things  and begin to understand how things work.. you also learn how other people operate.  I’ll take that.!

Diane has the solar glyph ‘ Akbal’

which has the description :  creating a peaceful home and environment… the symbol of home is important to you.   That fits !  

Max and Sam have the solar glyph Ahau.. which means” expressing a divine nature in all thoughts. You transform the earth. Sounds reasonable .. and it’s a cool looking glyph.!.   

The ‘tones’ part is a little harder for me to figure out. Diane, Gabe and I are all ‘tone 8’ which is described as  the energy that holds reality in place… tone 8 moves an electrical impulse through the creation that holds it together. Cooooool !  I love looking at stuff like this even if it’s outside of my own beliefs.. the more I know the more I understand that I don’t know.. you know ?

   After Mayan calendar fortune telling we dove into another cross cultural tradition here.: The dying of the Easter eggs for our Passover Seder  tomorrow night (yes. Purists.. I know that Pesach is over tonight.. but scheduling forced us t hold of a day. Our family has always combined the celebrations of Easter and Pesach when they alight.. eggs are a tradition in both and many years we’ve had brightly colored Easter eggs on the Seder plate. Here are the kids hard at work coloring the eggs..

We also tried dying some SamStones.. but found them to be pretty resistant to the dyes now that they’re fird.. nothing however can resist  the might of an Easter egg colored sharpy !   ..

Nice eggs Sam!  Hag Sameach ! Happy Holidays !

-jc

Yikes.. it’s very late and I have an early meeting tomorrow. I’ll have to make this quick. We woke to clouds and drizzle this morning, but I was determined ot get back to running now that I’v finally shaken the last of this flu. It felt wonderful running  the Rivershore  even though the trail was still about half bare and half snow covered. I can see each day where the bare spots grow.. Maybe tomorrow they will connect and I’ll have mud to run on. I just realized that I’ll have to come up with a substitute for writing Sam’s  name in the snow..  Somehow writing his name in the mud doesn’t sound as cool

    The day  passed reasonably smoothly.  I am fining it a bit easier to get ‘in’ to my work these days which is helpful.   I am finding  that work is not stressing me out ..hardly at all.. which is a huge change.    One work related thing I worked out today is that I got permission to bring the kids to an IBM corporate event that Diane and I get to go to every year. We have to pay their way.. but they’ll be able to stay in our hotel room .. I was thinking about skipping the meeting this year.. but now it will be a much needed family vacation for the four of us. I tell you. This is a very cool company when you need them… a very cool company.

   I took a break this afternoon to start my participation in a Grieving and the Internet study from University of Utrecht in the Netherlands. Diane had found a link to the study on a web page about Dr. Kubler-Ross, the woman who wrote ‘On Death and Dying’ and The Wheel of Life’. The study is looking at how electronic communication can be used to help folks in there healing. I was assigned to the ‘control’ group which means I’ll only get the surveys. Not the internet supplied therapy that they are testing. Even so, I think it will be fun and interesting to participate. I love surveys.. just the thought that someone would pay attention to my opinions is unusual and exciting. The intro survey I took  today was very interesting and in depth. There were many questions about how grieving was effecting my self worth and my sense of trust in others and in the world in general .   I actually think our experience with Sam’s death has increased my faith in others more than anything else I’ve ever been through.. I gather from the questions I answered today that this isn’t everyone’s’ experience through loss. I came away form answering those 100 questions feeling lucky for our  very supportive community. 

    I took off around 5:30 and skidded home just in time to take Diane’s 6PM yoga class in the barn. There were about 15 folks there today. Diane did an very peaceful Yin Yoga sequence today .. maybe it was because of the drizzly grey weather. It was just what I needed.  I find it both mentally and physically centering.. She’s a peach ,that girl.

   After Yoga Diane and I ate dinner while Gabe, Max, Scott and Mason bombarded us with stories from the day. The big story from last night is that Max, Scott and Mason finished mixing an entry for a music contest they were entering   around 1AM..  That was too early for them to retire so they did what any red blooded American boys would do.. they dressed up as Ninja’s and went to fill up a friends house with toilet paper as part of April fools day..   They managed to gently let themselves into the friends  house by crawling on the roof

then tastefully re decorated using single ply toilet paper..

They had enough decorating material left over that tey were acually able to drop by aother firend and redecorate her car.

They finished up around 3:30 and headed home. On the way back they came across a  truck that had slid off the road and a very inebriated driver. The boys helped the guy get his car free then drove him to his house.. They managed to get home around five..   My life feels positively boring in comparison…

   Well.. speaking of boring.. it’s time for sleep..  G’nte my family..   Hag Sameach (Happy Passover)

 

Ps.  For those of you who observe Passover.. Hag Sameach !.. (Happy Peasach)..  We’re  celebrating  with a Seder here on Wed.