Greetings from my folks house. No wireless here.. So trying to blog on my phone. For some reason, I can’t see what I’m typing either.. Today was funny.. Left my wallet at a store.. Left my laptop at home…. Gabe left his snowboard at home. Scattered all ! Now at mom and dads.. Good seeing them. Pictures and stories from this visit will have to wait until I can see what -i am typing
Nite all, nite sam
-me
Monthly Archives: February 2011
Thursday night – tuning fork
I’ve been feeling troubled all day about feeling troubled all day yesterday. You’re not really “supposed” to feel bad on your birthday. I was trying to figure out how much of my mood was Sam.. and how much are the other birthday concerns: ‘what have I done with my life ?’, ‘oh-my-g-d.. I’m getting old’, “what should I do with my special day” .
I’ve come to the conclusion that nearly all of it was Sam.. the others all fade in comparison.. Diane and I were just talking about how strange holidays are now.. Everyone said they would be.. We think of Sam many times every day.. .. but something is different on an anniversary like a birthday or named holiday.. even on days like the 4th of July.. or Halloween… or the first big snowfall of the year.. While I can’t necessarily recall everything happened on the 8th or 10th of February for the last 52 years.. I can do a pretty good job of conjuring up what I was doing on the 9th… and 14 of of those memories Sam was a part…. a big part.. His absence now hits a resonance so deep in my being.. Diane offered the analogy of a tuning fork.. .. just the thought of an impending holiday starts the vibration.. on the day.. the vibration is the loudest.. though we still manage to have fun.. see friends, laugh… .smile.. etc.
I’m guessing this is the way we will live the rest of our lives.. that’s a pretty strange thought.. .. .. it’s about as close as you can come to predicting the future…
nite all, nite sam
-me
Wednesday night – 52 pick up
Today is my 52nd birthday.. the same number of cards in a dec.. the number of weeks in a year.. All in all .. I’m happy to be the age I am.. I look 10 years older.. and feel 10 years younger.. so .. it averages out..
The day was like Vermont weather.. many chages.. some of the unexpected.. by parts bright, then stormy, then calm, then clear..
Diane woke me to a beautiful breakfast including a vegan pineapple upside down cake (we’re vegan for at least a couple more weeks.. I love it.. but miss desert ! that’s why tis was such a treat !)
I took gabe off to his school car pool then diane the dogs and I headed up bolton notch for a snowshoe.. e tried to follow the long trail for awhile in the beautiful deep snow.. We were breaking trail.. but the dogs were really struggling. Their legs fell in every few steps and it was cold.. they were not happy.. We did stop to admire the new signage for the climbing cliffs up the trail.. I used the stop to drop a samstone.
The beaver pond was frozen over.. but recent beaver activity was everywhere up there.. many trees in the area looked like this .
In deference to the dogs, we back tracked and drove back to our side of the river and hiked up honey hollow.. At least there was a packed trail for the dogs to follow.. I’m proud to live in a state where a town road is closed for 5 months of the year.. you can’t get much less practical than that ! It was wonderful being out in the woods with Diane.. she’s really so wonderful..
Mid day was hard for me.. I tried working in my lab for a bit… but it was too bright out to see the sparks I was making.. . I took a work call.. even though I was supposed to be on vacation. By mid afternoon i was getting pretty sad.. It happens every birthday.. even before Sam’s death.. Today I was really missing Sam.. Here’s a picture.. that must have been my birthday 12 or 13 years ago..
I
Tonight i started to feel better.. we headed up to Bolton for Gabe’s night rider competition (he placed 2nd !).. we ran into friends up there..had a few beers.. it was really nice
We came hoe just before 9.. i got some cool presents.. .. including a new packet camera to replace the one I currently use for this blog.. that’s no longer got a flash.. and the one I lost in the snow last month…. and the two that were eaten by the sands of burningman.. I realized that this is my 5th camera in 4 years.. .. I put a bunch of miles on these cameras.. Here’s picture number one for camera number 5.
last official act of my birthday was to check my Facebook page.. I got over 550 happy birthday messages from all over.. facebook is amazing.. !
ok.. now time to sleep.. thanks for all the good wishes, folks..
good nite all.. good nite sam
-me
Tuesday night – the owl
I saw an owl this afternoon.. it was perched on a tree outside of our house.. I started at it for a while before i recognized what I was looking at.. She… (I’m sure it was a she, somehow).. was more than two feet tall and was perched motionless staring out over the river. Then she slowly swiveled her head to look at me.. stared at me for a moment then spread her wings and glided off. I was stunned for a moment.. i’ve never seen such a majestic bird so close up….
I’ve been thinking about the look she gave me all evening.. it was peaceful and knowing.. not ominous.. but I can’t help remembering that seeing an owl.. especially during the day.. is considered a bad omen in many cultures.. In some cultures it warns of death,, while in others it comes as a messenger.. a harbinger of change.. In others it’s a a totem animal… a sign of wisdom.. a bringer of magic.
What do I.. on the eve of my birthday .. comfortably middle aged.. and happy.. (if in a lopsided kind of way ) choose to make of such a sighting ? Do I choose to take it as a warning of some kind and brace for something ? Do I take it as a sign of coming of age and wisdom.. or do I take it merely as a very hungry bird out looking for an unlucky snack ?
You know.. the wonderful think about being where I am now in life is .. I don’t have to choose.. in fact I don’t get to choose.. .. I’m at that point of surrender where I know i don’t get to choose my fate any more than anyone does.. and .. that’s kind of nice..
On the eve of my birthday I reach out to all the other me’s in the 52 years past.. and who-know’s-how-many future and say.. happy birthday me.. .. I hope you’re enjoying your day… ..
-nite aall, nite sam
-me
