Monthly Archives: November 2011

Monday night – 5 years

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Today is the fifth anniversary of the day that Sam died.. officially at least. His accident was on the 20th.. it took a day for all the tests and paperwork..

 

so we mark the 21st..

Today is a day I thought of even back in those early dark days.. i wondered what I’d be like .. what life would be like.. in 1 year, 5yers, 10 years.. .. Well.. it’s not what i imagined.. nothing ever is.. Sam is still so much a part of our lives..  We have joy and pleasure now.. yet Sam’s  absence fills every moment. in our lives.. Not having him with us really sucks.. no other way to explain it..

He was/is such an amazing spirit.. kind, fun. strong and beautiful.. you see that spirit in his many  freinds who are here with us today..

 

Our day of remembrance started at Eric’s house….Sam was with Eric and their freind Parker the night he died.. so Eric and Parker are very much part of our lives now.  Eric couldn’t join us tonight.. so he offered to cook us breakfast.. it was great seeing him. .. as a bonus.. our friend Gavin was visiting as well.

then at 1 , we ll drove up to bolton to make our traditional hike to the top.. it was a beautiful day .. about 30 of us made the hike today..

here we all are at the top..

we did the first of our Red Bull toasts to sam..

 

then gabe, max and i went up the fire tour as we’ve done  this day for each of the last 5 years.. No snow this year.. but it was well below freezing..

we brouht a hot air balloon to launch in Sam’s honor

 

and of course some (quiet )  fireworks.. Sam always loved them !

then back down the ountain .

around 6 folks started showing up for the potluck,  there was a strong crowd tonight.. many of Sam’s freinds came by.. they are all now out in the world. It’s great to see how they’ve all grown. We really love these kids..  !

then another redbull toast..

and finally samstones..

It was a satisfying and packed day.. lots of love.. laughing and tears.. just as it should be.. I guess..

Oh.. we miss you so much my son..

your spirit lives on in our hearts..

nite sam.. nite everyone.. thanks for being there for us..

 

-me

 

Sunday night – When Sam died ….

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Now starts the three days that we mark Sam’s death. Our long process now echos those three terrible days in 2006.. so much of that time is etched in my brain.. so much of it is also still a blur to me. Even though Sam’s official date of death is give as Nov 21st..that’s the day he was legally declared dead.. that was necessary to allow us to move forward with organ donation. Sam’s spirit left his body on Nov 20th.. today..Sam was down in Florida on vacation with friends. he was having the time of his life.. Here’s a phone message he left for me earlier that same day 
Click here to hear sam’s voice -> Last phone message from Sam .. Nov 20, 2006

At 10:32 PM.He and his friends were crossing the street. A driver swerved to avoid hitting one of Sam’s friends… and

and…

and.. sam left this earth..

A few minutes later we got that terrible call.. and our world changed forever..

It’s hard to explain what these anniversaries  feel like. in some ways.. it feels like no time at all has passed.. in other ways it feels like ages have passed. I know it must look like we’re doing ‘well’.. but.. let me tell you .. it’s still very. very hard.. While this day passed for normal in many respects.. the turning of another year just reminds us of the totality of Sam’s death..

Thanks to all of you who have been checking in with us over the last couple of days. Your love and support is so very important to us.

Some interesting things from the day.. a beautiful beam of light this monring..

a patch of water on the back step (perhaps) in the shape of a snowboarder .. See it ? (everythign is a Rorschach test to a grieving dad)

 

The four of us went out to a quiet Chinese dinner at Joyces tonight.. Diane’s holding a SamStone ..

I loved my fortune cookies message.. you can say that again !

on the way home from the restaurant.. the boys took the van, diane and I were in the prius.. Gabe called us just before we hit home to tell us that the van had overheated on 117.. We drove back to find the car out of coolant.. and a funny smell from the exhaust (i know what that means 🙁 ) ..  .. Oddly enough , the normally reliable Prius freaked out and wouldn’t start  .. eventually it came back to life and started..  (All sorts of electrical and mechanical things went wrong shortly after Sam’s death..  ) I dropped everyone back at home and went back to meet the tow truck. The tow truck driver had just lost two brothers and his mother this year.. so we sat and talked for awhile.

Before he drove of with our wounded car, I grabbed Sam’s necklace that is always hanging from the mirror.. I wanted to have it with us tonight..

Sam got it in Mexico when DIane and I took him there the previous spring.. It spells SAM in Mayan hieroglyphics.   Here he is wearing it before biting freind Kasey.

OK.. so it’s almost ‘that time’.. how to mark it .. ? do we mark it ?

I’m sad and missing my beautiful , beautiful son..

 

We will love you forever Sam.. you are always with us.. and always in our hearts..

Good night my love..

-me

 

 

Friday night – counting down

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Back in Vermont.. and I brought Max back with me. He wanted to be here with us on Monday.. .. but why monday ? We mark a particular point in time that we knew sam was gone.. But his accident was the day before.. his organ donation the day after.. We find ourselves thinking back to those moments.. I go especially to the moments before.. the last time I saw him, the last time I spoke with him.. the last time I heard his voice.. the last time.. the last time

 

And now I find myself counting down the moments to feeling whatever i am going to feel over these next few days. We think of sam always.. but these anniversaries are particularly hard.. another reminder of the totality of his not being here with us

We’ve had a steady stream of friends coming through.. especially those who won’t be here on Monday.. it’s great to see them.. tears flow easily on all sides.. and that feels ‘good’. ..

 

I’m glad that were together ..  all of us..

nite all, nite sam

-me