I’m just sitting down to write in a big, empty house….  Diane’s out shopping for our trip to next week. Max is down at Pratt, Gabe is spending the night up at the mountain and Sam is….is…   So… that’s what my days are like.. The constant  re-realization of how our lives are so changed.

    I’ve actually had the house to myself for a big part of the last three days while the rest of the family zooms around. It’s actually very peaceful here. I generally don’t get much solitude unless it’s on an airplane… It has been a welcome relief from having to be ‘on’ all the time..  I’ve been sleeping late, ..hanging out in my ‘jammies till afternoon , listening to loud music and eating strange food whenever I feel like it.. Don’t get me wrong I’m working hard most of the day.. and getting a good amount  of outdoor exercise  each day.. it’s just that I’m unplugging from work more often… .. I think I’m getting in touch with my inner slacker J

    I’m also using the relative quiet as a chance to be a  ‘witness’ to my own thinking. I’m just observing what happens in my mind without judgment.. and without trying to manipulate my thinking.. as I go through the day….   One thing I observe is how constant Sam’s presence is in my mind. It’s hard to  explain.. It’s not a sad thing at all. It’s like I always have his face in my mind.. he’s positioned slightly up and left of my own heart. always wearing a warm  and knowing smile. I’m amazed at how persistent and strong his presence is with me every waking minute.. he’s there when I wake up, when I eat, when I exercise, when I talk on the phone… he’s here now.  He’s so strong, I’m sometimes surprised I can do anything else .. Most of the time it’s a comfort.. Sometimes I ‘look’ toohard and I can lose myself in sadness.

   Other things I’ve witnessed is how often I talk to myself or to Sam out loud during the day when no one else is around. I think I’ve always talked to myself.. Now I have someone to talk  tooI also am surprised at how often I hear myself sigh..(“oh sam”)  during the day.. or curse for no reason..  I think/hope  this is all good venting though I’ll bet it would a little creepy to hear if anyone else were listening..

   Another thing I observe.. I notice that I’m much slower to stress or to get angry. Those  of you who have known me in the past probably know how wrapped up in my work I could get.. I was/am passionate about my work.. and I could get pretty tense after a day of meetings.. Now I find it so easy.. too easy J to shut the laptop at 6PM and go goof off… That may sound normal.. but it’s nothing I’ve been able to do since I was maybe 8 years old.  Again.. it’s the inner slacker in me yearning to kick back…

   Here’s a real illustration that illustrates my new calm..  Yesterday. our very good friend Deb D. dropped off one of her killer homemade Mac and Cheese’s.  This stuff is really food for the gods.  Tonight, I was eating alone. I  heard that Mac and Cheese singing to me from  the ‘fridge.  I went in to get some . and as I did the whole pan fell out and spilled on the floor..   Normally this would have sent me into a terrible cursing frenzy.. but tonight.. I just  laughed !  .It was pretty funny.. (and given the 5 second rule, I had most of it back in the pan before the dirt on the floor even noticed)..    This is my new Buddah nature.   Thanks to you Sam…

 -jc

ps. Here’s a picture from Diane, Sam and my trip to mexico last June.. What a great time that was