I love being useful.. but not like this.. I got a bunch of emails the other day that a friend of mine’s son had died over the xmas break. As soon as it happened I started getting mail and calls..   It’s not because we were particularly close. friends . I don’t think we’ve seen each other in more than 4 years.. he lives in New York and now works for a differnt company. He used to work for IBM .. and we collaborated a few times.. I’m not sure, but I  think we even have a few patents together.    Folks reached out to me because I was ‘that guy’.. the guy who’s son had also died..    I was ‘glad’ tthat folks reached out to me.. if that’s the word to use in a situation like this. I want to be there for my freind..  What struck me as curious is that folks thought I would know ‘what to do’ . It’s kinda sweet and sad. there’s nothing anyone can ‘do’ in a tragedy like this. .. but.. I do want to help …   
    I remember when Sam died I was surprised to find out that several of the folks who showed up to help us had gone through some sort of personal tragedy of there own. .. I now understand so much better that need to give back.. for all the help and love and support that folks showed to us.
    Today my friend’s  boss called me from California.. and asked me what he could do..   I gave it some thought.. And gave him some advice of what had worked for me..
Like

– letting the guy decide for himself when he was ready to dive back in to work.. and how much he wanted to take on..
– Realizing that people sometimes through themselves into their work as an escape.. only to realize that they can’t work as hard as they once did.
– Recognizing that the guy could feel really good one day.. one hour. one moment .. and really bad the next… with no warning
– Recognizing that folks don’t always know what to ask for.. when someone says ‘if you need something, just call’.. is good intentioned.. but often folks don’t know what they need.. offer specific help.
– Understand that while someone may look OK after several months, they are still going to be cognitively impaired .. They might not even know it.  Help them adjust their workload to what they can handle .
– I also reassured my friends boss that he needn’t worry so much about saying the worng thing.. folks get so worried that they’re going to say something that reminds someone of their loss.. no worries there.. you can’t be reminded of something that’s always on your mind.

My friend is actually coming to town next week.. it blows my mind that he feels up to travel.. but I’ll be able to sit with him and listen to him… 

I’m looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time..   I like to be in a position to give back It both sucks.. and is a blessing to be ‘that guy’

nite folks.. nite sam
-me