Tonight is Erev Yom Kippur, The beginning of the day of Atonement.. the holiest time of the year for Jews. It’s also 10 months today since Sam’s death.

I went  to services at UVM tonight with my friend Jake. .. There’s a small group of about 50 Jews who meet there on the High Holy days Yom Kippur is when you’re supposed ot be sealed in the Book of Life for the coming year.. There’s a lot of focus on those who have died in the previous year. I thought it was going to be hard for me to go through that.. I held Sam’s picture as we went through the Mourner’s Kaddish.. the prayer for the dead.. . I’ve been thinking abut this night for nearly all of the past 10 months. It was a hard.. but not nearly so hard as I imagined.   As always the things you expect are not the hardest.

Yom Kippur is the day when you reflect on all the things you fell short on in the past year… You’re supposed to think of  all the people you wronged, all the  promises to yourself you failed to keep, all the folks you let down. Then you’re supposed to  ask for forgiveness.. whether it be from G-d.. the folks you wronged. or even yourself. . If you know any Jewish people, it’s not unusual for them to come looking for you around this time of year an apologize for something they did.. or did not do in the past year.   So… let me take this opportunity to apologize to any one of you that I may have done wrong to this past year.. I know that I haven’t been at my best these past 10 months.

We recite a prayer called Kol Nidre (Hebrew: ?? ????)  which is actually in Arameic.. though written in Hebrew transliteration.. It calls for all vows you made in the past year to be annulled.  Translated it goes

All personal vows we are likely to make, all personal oaths and pledges we are likely to take between this Yom Kippur and the next Yom Kippur, we publicly renounce. Let them all be relinquished and abandoned, null and void, neither firm nor established. Let our personal vows, pledges and oaths be considered neither vows nor pledges nor oaths.

It’s a great purging ritual.. it also has always struck me as something of a cosmic cop out. I do love the music  though

I really love all the music in the service. After 48 years they worn into my brain… even with my wobbly Hebrew the melody and the words are a comfort to me.. even If the specific metaphysics.. e.g. . A G-d ‘up there’ and me down here.. isn’t what I believe at all.  One of my favorites is the Alvinu Malchenu.. ‘Our Father our King’ (though now all reform services are supposed to be  gender neutral). My favorite version   of that one has got to be the one from  our homegrown brethren from Phish

Tonight’s service was lead by a nice young guy from Boston who’s studying to be a Rabbi. He brought some supplemental readings we used.. which included some great poems by Shel Silverstein (I once sat next to him in a plane for 3 hours !) ..   The readings also included this poem from Merrit Malloy. It really made me think of Sam

 EPITAPH

When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men that wait to die
And if you need to cry
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you
And when you need me
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me
I want to leave you something
Something better
Than words
Or sounds
Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved
And if you cannot give me away
At least let me live on your eyes
And not on your mind
You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands
By letting
Bodies touch bodies
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free
Love doesn’t die
People do
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love
Give me away

 

Shana Tova (good new year) my family and friends

Shana Tova Sam

-me