For some reason today was had more emotional ups and downs than usual.  I kept getting surprised by my own mini-meltdowns throughout the day. Thanks goodness my office has a door. Diane calls these ‘leaky eye days’. We were talking about it tonight.. We both get the feeling that  these tough  emotional days are the ones when we do the most powerful grieving work with Sam. It feels like we’re getting something done.. working through things… It may sound funny.. but it feels like progress to me.
     Just after lunch I picked up the phone and called ‘P’, a friend of my good friend Lori. P lost her son Daniel on Dec 28^th to a freak accident with a BB gun…  Like Sam’s Daniel’s death came without warning. P and I spoke for about 30 minutes about our new lives.. It was really good talking to her about her son and her experiences. We shared some ideas on keeping our boys memories alive. Daniel was evidently quite an artist.. P is going to send me one of his drawings.. which I’ll post here.  I turned her on to this blog. 
    When I got home, I found that Diane had also reached out to a woman ‘J’, who several friends had steered her to. J lost a daughter 3 years ago in a car accident. Diane feels that J is on the same spiritual path that we’re on in terms of coming to feeling attached to our kid’s spirits as part of something larger . J shared some great stories of  ‘seeing’ her daughter in nature. She gave us a wonderful photo of the moon and a poem one of her daughters friends had written. There is great comfort in sharing stories like this one on one  with people like P and J.   So far, neither Diane no I have felt drawn towards group support organizations. though we may feel the need later. Many folks have told us that groups like Compassionate Friends have helped them.
       I managed to get home in time to catch Diane’s 6PM Yoga class int the barn. It was so wonderful seeing so many friends up in the barn doing Yoga. My friends Bruce and Martha from Houston even showed up. Diane is such a wonderful teacher. The class was exactly what I needed to chill out after an emotional day. Bruce and Martha joined us for dinner. I love talking to Bruce about our lives together as kids in Houston. His and Martha’s  accents sounds like home to me.  Around 9 they  bundled up  and headed out into the cold. I don’t think my Houston friends have ever been anywhere where it’s 6 below.      
     About that time I had a good call from my Mom… She and my dad are also making progress in their mourning… I know the great pain of losing Sam… even so I don’t know what it would feel like to be his grandparent Everybody experiences Sam’s loss in their own way.
     My hardest moment today came about an hour ago when I was going through my cell phone messages. Nice again I came across the last message I got from Sam    I love hearing his voice thought it truly breaks my heart as well to hear it… Tomorrow I’m going to record the message so I’ll always have it… which means listening to it again.. which means….   Oy Sam.. I miss you so much my son. Can you call me one more time ?nite
-jc

Ps. my friend Jleigh’s grandfather is in the hospital this evening.. Please send him soem love..