The four of us just came back from Sakuras where we had an excellent sushi dinner in early celebration of my 48th birthday tomorrow. We ordered a 5th bowl of miso soup for Sam.. He’s always at the table when the four of s sit down. It’s funny facing my birthday. Right now, I feel pretty good about it.. though I’m not sure how I’ll feel tomorrow. This birthday.. and any holiday/anniversary is going to feel different without Sam physically here with us. It’s a change that’s to big to explain. The hopes and dreams I had for my first 47 years have been completely and irrevocably changed by Sam’s death. I don’t mean that I don’t still have hopes and dreams.. It’s that I need to rebuild them all. I’m certainly sadder than I was.. but I think I’m stronger somehow too. It’s so hard integrating that I won’t get to experience some of the things I had hoped to cherish in the future.. Sam driving, Sam’s Graduation, Sam’s wedding, Sam’s kids.. and that feels like a huge hole in my heart. At the same time I know that I’m still blessed. That thought came to me so strongly at the Reiki session I did today with Marci T. I know that I’m going to live the years to come in a more mindful and thoughtful place.. Even as I grieve for Sam, I’m so thankful for what I have.. my beautiful sons Max and Gabe who are here with us and the memory and presence of my beautiful son Sam who feels like he’s everywhere I’m so lucky to have my strong and beautiful wife Diane by my side.. our loving parents and siblings. This amazing community…. Our lives are not perfect anymore but we have much still to be thankful for. .. and I know it.. and that’s how I plan to face my birthday tomorrow.. Wish me luck.
Diane and I began today talking about the stages of grief table that I posted in the blog yesterday She made a good point about the first column of the table that suggests a timeline for the process. She pointed out how strange it is to try to assign a specific timeline for a process that everyone has to approach differently. It really is dangerous to set an expectation on someone.. or on yourself for that matter.. that after 2weeks we’ll be like this.. after 3 months I’m going to be like that… after 6 months I’ll be fine. I’m really dreading the day that someone says or implies “aren’t you over this yet ?!” It’s not going to happen like that…. Over it isn’t even my goal.
Speaking of time, I noticed that today marks 80 days since Sam died… I was thinking today as I ran that that makes 80 days in a row I’ve spent at least a few minutes crying hard…That’s 80 days in a row that I’ve gone to bed thinking about Sam.. and that I’ve woke up thinking about him. That’s an amazing amount of time to think of one thing… and I’m just starting at this.
OK.. I’m going to go write Sam’s name in the snow.. I’ve done it every day there’s been snow on the ground. I hope some other folks will do the same. .. consider that a birthday present for me. Hey Sam.. you’re invited to my party.. always.
-jc