I’ve been feeling really sad on and off  for the last couple of days without acknowledging why.. Today on my run I had to admit to myself that it is Sam’s upcoming birthday. Sam would have been turing 18 a week from today.. and I miss him.. I really, really miss him.. with every bone in my body. The thing is, I miss him every hour of every day.

I often tell people that’ special’  days like fathers day and mothers day are not any worse than any other day . The things that make those days differnt is that everyone else puts extra weight on those days.. I am held hostage by my own expectations on myself.

This birthday seems different. Maybe it’s because of high school graduation.. or because all of sam’s friends will be going off to college.. Or maybe I’m just tired of the weight of being sad under the surface all the time..

I found myself crying on and off through the day today.. on my run., in the car, in my office.. That’s something I haven’t done in some time.. and it actually felt good.

Diane and I had a good talk this afternoon.. She always has such a good perspective..    She reminds me.. it’s ok to be sad.. ok to be tender. right now . ok,….

I’m going to try to take it easy this week
ntite all, nite sam
-me

Tonight was really fun.. we had our Spring meeting of VoMIT.. (Vermont’s own M. I. T.) club. It’ s my favorit group of ultr nice nerds on the planet.. We had about 15 folks over for a potluck.. and a talk on the Colony.   Here’s our Pres michelle flashing the school colors..

She even brought MIT napkins !.. (when I was at MIT people didn’t even use napkins !)

This is such a fun,  funny and diverse group of people… 

The only catch is.. it’s now too late for me to write much.. gotta get some sleep.. More tomorrow

-nite folks, night sam
-me

“E to the U, dU dX, E to the X, dX
Cosine! Secant! Tangent! Sine!

3-point-1-4-1-5-9!
Integral! Radical! µ, DV
Slipstick! Slide rule! M.I.T.!”

Long, complicated day.. but somehow still loving my work. despite the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune..  Got home very late, tired and worn out.. but slipped into a beutiful evening here.. Diane, Gabe and I had dinner outside in the crisp (crisp in May !) air.. then puttered around the yard,. admiring Diane’s mulching job  on her new strawberry plants. (please comment on it.. she’s duley proud of it)   While we were admiring the mulch, DIane was telling me more about her weekend with the yoganaughts down at the Abbey.  She told me about the groups fun focus on the word ‘drishti’ (or dirsti..).. a word that I think means glance or sight in sanskrit. 

In yoga parlance the practice of Drishti is a gazing technique that develops

concentration—and teaches you to see the world as it really is.

To diane and her yoga friends. dristi also is the awareness of where your concentration is at any moment.. like in a relationship or a conversation..   the focus is on the awareness of where your focus lies (wait.. did that sentence make sense ? )   Yogis try to culture an awareness  .. not a control… of the movement of their attention.. it’s like the complete opposite of my ADD  brain.. though even thinking abut thinking in that way is fun…

 Where are you focusing now ? (I’m talikng to YOU ? ).. are you really paying attention to this blog post.. or are you thinking about going to bed.. or what you have to do tomorrow ?

I’ll leave you to think abotu that.. my drishtis on my pillow…
night folks.. night Sam
-me

A few weeks ago in New Orleans  I managed to find the grave sites of my uncle, my grand parents , my great aunt and uncle and my great grandparents ..   It was a funny feelign seeing tose stones with my last name..       but somehow it felt good and connected me to my past…    This  evening , Diane’s brother Steve turned us on to a grave site registry called http://findagrave.com . Steve has been using it to research both sides of his (and Diane’s ) families.. He’s also inputting data on his family as he goes. It’s a little sad looking through these pages, , but it’s cool , too  .. For example.. Here’s Diane’s grandfather Constantino.. he came over from Italy and worked as a brick layer

Constantino ‘s first wife Theresa had a son Stefano who died at one year

Theresa died in 1930 of pnuemonia.

Constantino sent back a request to italy for a  a new wife to help him
raise his kids.. He found the beautiful Pierina Mariano . She wanted to leave italy because two of her suitors had a duel over her.. and one killed hte other !

Pierina was a beautiful and kind person.. she always used to tell me ‘John. sta’ bon’ .. ‘Be Good !’

Steve’s been putting in pictures of many of his family’s grave sites.. he has this one of his daughter Susan.. who did not live even a day

It’s comforting somehow to see these images for me.. it brings me a sense of place and time…

THat’s it for the day.

Nite folks, nite Sam
-me