Peaceful, peaceful day.. yesterday’s celebration of Sam’s life was wonderful and exhausting.. . It was a bright and sunny day and my heart felt light and grateful.
It was perfect day  to sit around and do nothing.

Three years ago Sam s became an organ donor.  I can still remember the mix of sadness, , grief, joy and pride that Sam’s last act in this life was to save four other people.

We knew what Sam would want.. the decision was ‘easy’ for us when we were asked about donation..  I was surprised that the decision to donate is not always so clear for folks. One of he main barrier to organ donation is loved ones not knowing  what the donor would have wanted. That conversation  letting your relatives know what you would want to do if your life could not be saved is the most important part of donation.. it’s even more important than signing the donation line on your drivers license as next of kin wishes take precedence.

so.. If you’ve never told your loved ones how you feel about organ donation. please take a second.. right now..   give them a hug and have a short discussion about it. It’s a hard conversation I know. and G-d willing it will never matter.. but.. if it ever does come up for your family, like it did for ours.. you will know that you’ve done the most important thing in passing on life

I’m proud of my son’s donation.. you can honor Sam’s memory by letting your own intentions be known.. Thanks so much..

We love you Sam
nite folks !

I’m sitting here in an empty house thinking about Sam. Three years ago today is the last time I heard from Sam.. I didn’t even talk to him. He was down in Florida having a great time with his good friends. I remember the last call I got from him. I was at work.. it was late afternoon and I didn’t hear my cell phone ring, he left a message for me.. .a great message that you can hear here.   I remember hearing it a few minutes after he left it.. I was standing in front of my office staring out at the field.. it was getting dark.. I was in a busy set of meetings.. but the message was so sweet.. I loved it.. Here is what he said :

Hey dad, it’s Sam
I’m sorry I didn’t call you back the other day
.. we did out and did stuff
but .. um …
anyway, so today .. we’re going to the beach at his grandfather’s house
and I think we’re going skim boarding and stuff..
we’re going to be there most of the day
if nothing else I’ll you call you guys again later
so… yeah
today I crashed on the scooter.. ha…
I have two identical cuts on either leg
so I have one on my knee on one down to my knee
on the right side and the left side
from one fall, it was really, really funny
alright, so , I’ll call you when we get back form the beach
ok, love you, bye

I’ve just been sitting here listening to that message.. again and again. What would I have done if I knew that was the last thing I’d ever hear hi say.. would I do anything different ? You know. I don’t think I would.. It’s not bad when your 14 year old says ‘love you, bye’ at the end of his phone message.. or even that he bothers to call you at all while on his vacation…

I think i/we did pretty well..

I keep listening to it..   crying a little and thinking/remembering .. and it feels  good.. I’m listening to some Spanish guitar on the stereo .. stuff that Sm used to play on the guitar. .I have so many great memories of that kid.. so many things about him that I try o carry into my own life.. he has an amazing legacy…

It was this night in 2006 that we got the call that Sam had been in an accident .. the call that changed our lives… These last three years have been … what.. a blur ? hard ? interesting ? unforgettable ? … they’ve been the hardest thing a person can
Yet.. here I am three years later surviving… even doing well..   I think I’m even a better person now. Humans are amazing creatures that they can survive and even thrive in adversity like this.

Thanks to all of you reading this for all the love and support you’ve given me and my family for the last three years.. it made all the difference. Keep us in your thoughts..

We love you all …

Good night Sam.. you are in my thoughts now as much as you have ever been.. my wonderful, beautiful son…
-me

I thought all day today.. I thought about how I was feeling, i thought about how I was expected to be feeling, I even thought about how others might be expecting me to feel….   Despite my intention to stay in the moment without expectation, I keep finding myself slipping into thinking… rather than being.

Everyone knows that with loss, there is a great deal of significance put around milestones like holidays, birthdays, death days .. But .. the interesting thing is, ost of that significance comes from the outside.. Yes, there are important memories around those dates.. but we have those memories around every day, we grieve some  every day.  These significant dates are when the rest of the world remembers that we are grieving ..   Even though that can be hard.. it is also nice.. the world remembers us like that.

The strange thing is .. I feel pretty good.. my life is going OK.. my family is doing well, my work is fun again… it feels funny to be feeling good right now.   Anyway.. that’s what I was thinking when I was brushing my teeth last night.. As I brushed, I was flipping through Funny Times, a cartoon newsletter we get I came across a comic by Carol Lay.. I like her stuff. it’s usually sarcastically funny.. this time it was heartfelt.. Her cartoon told of her own trouble with the holidays after the death of her brother … and the way a friend helped her reframe the holidays by asking.. ‘would your brother want you to have a crappy Christmas ?!”..
 
It was funny and right that I would stumble across this mid thought last night. This morning I wrote Carol for permission to include her comic ‘The Tree’ .. I got a brief note back with eh cartoon and permission to use it.. I also learned that her brothers name was John…

Thanks Carol..this helped me !

OK.. gotta sleep now.. nite folks.. nite Sam.. I feel you close by
-me

Diane and I spent the evening working with Gabe on his math homework. it’s intro Algebra stuff and it’s fun watching him pick up the concepts. I remember how cool it was as a kid when I could first think about solving math problems symbolically. ..I remember how  the whole concept of solving for unknowns was magical to me.. as were the process of using the units to check your work.. 

I am very attracted to the concept of unknowns now..   there are so many in my life.

              -mt
H = (1 – e      ) 

   where H = healing ,
   t =  time since Sam’s passing
   m = mood factor  where

m = f(S,W,D,R),

   where S = Season
   W = work
   D = date
   R – other random factors

I now have long periods where dm/dt => 0  though there is a periodic moments when dm/dt << 0 .  Even so, it’s mathematically possible to show that time heals all wounds.

OK.. it’s a strange analogy, but this week has me in such a strange mood

The freaky thing is I found nearly the same conept in a cartoon after I wrote the above.

Nite folks… nite Sam !
-me