All posts by johncohn

Wednesday night – At this point

I thought all day today.. I thought about how I was feeling, i thought about how I was expected to be feeling, I even thought about how others might be expecting me to feel….   Despite my intention to stay in the moment without expectation, I keep finding myself slipping into thinking… rather than being.

Everyone knows that with loss, there is a great deal of significance put around milestones like holidays, birthdays, death days .. But .. the interesting thing is, ost of that significance comes from the outside.. Yes, there are important memories around those dates.. but we have those memories around every day, we grieve some  every day.  These significant dates are when the rest of the world remembers that we are grieving ..   Even though that can be hard.. it is also nice.. the world remembers us like that.

The strange thing is .. I feel pretty good.. my life is going OK.. my family is doing well, my work is fun again… it feels funny to be feeling good right now.   Anyway.. that’s what I was thinking when I was brushing my teeth last night.. As I brushed, I was flipping through Funny Times, a cartoon newsletter we get I came across a comic by Carol Lay.. I like her stuff. it’s usually sarcastically funny.. this time it was heartfelt.. Her cartoon told of her own trouble with the holidays after the death of her brother … and the way a friend helped her reframe the holidays by asking.. ‘would your brother want you to have a crappy Christmas ?!”..
 
It was funny and right that I would stumble across this mid thought last night. This morning I wrote Carol for permission to include her comic ‘The Tree’ .. I got a brief note back with eh cartoon and permission to use it.. I also learned that her brothers name was John…

Thanks Carol..this helped me !

OK.. gotta sleep now.. nite folks.. nite Sam.. I feel you close by
-me

Monday night – Algebra of healing

Diane and I spent the evening working with Gabe on his math homework. it’s intro Algebra stuff and it’s fun watching him pick up the concepts. I remember how cool it was as a kid when I could first think about solving math problems symbolically. ..I remember how  the whole concept of solving for unknowns was magical to me.. as were the process of using the units to check your work.. 

I am very attracted to the concept of unknowns now..   there are so many in my life.

              -mt
H = (1 – e      ) 

   where H = healing ,
   t =  time since Sam’s passing
   m = mood factor  where

m = f(S,W,D,R),

   where S = Season
   W = work
   D = date
   R – other random factors

I now have long periods where dm/dt => 0  though there is a periodic moments when dm/dt << 0 .  Even so, it’s mathematically possible to show that time heals all wounds.

OK.. it’s a strange analogy, but this week has me in such a strange mood

The freaky thing is I found nearly the same conept in a cartoon after I wrote the above.

Nite folks… nite Sam !
-me

Sunday – Laptops and Hiphop

We’re back home after a whilrwind one night trip down to Endicott to see Diane’s folks.. It’s always nice and restful going to Endicott.. In saddition to being able ot see relatives and friends Endicott has a special treat for us.. the food ! Endincott/Binghampton is an interesting place.. half rust belt and half east coast. THere are many ethnic enclaves there.. and each has carved out their own niche in the food of the region. It’s really quite distinct.. lots of polish, ukranian and italian food.. things. like Spiedies, pizzelles, halluski, and my absolute favorite Jim Roma’s cold pizza. .. You have to try this stuff to understand it.. it’s sold in huge cookie sheet size squares..for something like 8 bucks.  we get it with extra sauce and little cheese. When done right, it’s too gooy to pick up properly.. it’s dripping with basil heavy tomatoe sauce.. and just enough cheese to make a partial skin. It’s made to be eaten cold. When you eat it, the sauce drips all over everything.. soemtimes I feel like I could roll in it.   We always get soem for the ride back.. by the time ew get here.. we’re sick of it for a bit.. but by tomorrow , I’ll be craving it again..   That’s why I took these pictures.

Aside from eating cold pizza, I busied myself o the way back trying to finsih thta rap/hiphop song about engineering.. Hipshop songs were nevermeant to be written by 50 year old white guys like me.. But i’ve enjoyed thinking about it.. I/m finding it to be a pretty rigid and clean form

verse 1
da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

chorus
da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da

verse 2
da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

chorus
da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da

bridge
da da da da – da da da da
da da da da – da da da da

verse 3

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da

chorus
da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da

bridge

da da da da – da da da da

da da da da – da da da da
da da da da – da da da da

da da da da – da da da da  (fade)

I’m hoping to finish writing it tonight.. it’s goofy.. but will be fun to record..

Speaking of Hiphop.. check out these laptops.. My work computer crapped out early last week.. they lent me a replacement.. then the company sent me a 5 year old loaner.  then they sent me my repaired original.. on top of that .. I’v ebene using the only one that works relibly.. that’s my Linux one from the shop.. SO what can you do with four laptops ? … Make Art !

I call this one ‘The Citadel’

Here’s “the Kalaidascope”

and “the skyscraper”

But here’s my favorite.. I call it the “Dos Equis”.. who says computeres aren’t fun and beautiful ?

OK.. gotta work with Gabe on Math..more later..

Think of us this week. We’ll probably be doign a small memorial for Sam on Saturday. I’ll let you knowas we get nearer the end of the week.

Night folks.. Night Sam !
-me

Saturday night – Happy 75th Big Gabe

Greetings from Endicott NY. Diane, Gabe, Kristin, the dogs and I came down for the ngiht to celebrate my father in law Gabe’s 75th birthday..  He is such a great, great man. He’s strong and quiet .. very capable and self contained. He’s been a great freind to me and a wonderful granfather to our kids. It’s great to see him and Marcia, my mother in law doing well
.

Hapy Birthday Gabe   ! Thanks sor everything ! We love you !

Nite folks.. Nite Sam !
-me