It’s 7PM and I’m trying to see if I can get my blogging in a little earlier in the day. Most night now I’m doing it around 1-AM.. when I should be getting some sleep.. We’ll see how this goes.

Today was an emotional day for me. I can’t remember a more beautiful spring day.. I woke up earlier than I meant to.. We’d been up till about 3 with the after prom parry. I know that I was dreaming about Sam when I woke, I had a sad/sweet feeling..   It seems that set tone for the whole day.  I wandered downstairs and found the house still full of  prom goers.. many still asleep, but not all..  They were all tangled up on various sofas and beds looking pretty peacefull

For some reason I had a tremendous urge to clean the house and yard.. the combination of the fine weather and the availability of a bunch of post-prom helpers in the house kicked me into gear.. By about 1PM  we’d had :

Cleaned up after the party

Cleaned the garage

Gotten rid of a truckload of recycling

Moved  all of the sleds, skis, snowshoes, snow shovels etc up to the attic

Cleaned and vacuumed  the front entrance way and the front stair well

Moved all of the remaining wood which was stacked inside

Cleaned the yard up

Fixed the front door latch

Take down most of the exterior storm windows

Take down all of the interior storm windows

Thoroughly cleaned the ‘office’

Weeded through the mountain of papers, books and magazines that had started to compost near my side of the bed

It was great having the help.. and It felt so good to get all of this done.. at the same time, I was not at all prepared for how hard this  tradition of  swapping the seasons would hit me. Everything I touched, moved, lugged or threw   away took me right back  to Sam: his bike, his scooter, the wood he stacked.. his fishing tackle.. the storm window in his room.. and the attic.. every time I walk into the attic my knees buckle. Through the day I found myself bouncing   unpredictably between whistling and crying.  Diane calls these ‘leaky eye days’. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why everything  hit me so hard today  Maybe some of it was the reiki session yesterday that helped ‘unblock’ some of these emotion I’m letting go today…..Maybe some of it  was the fine day  ..  I think about how Sam would love this weather..    I know that at least some of it was the seasonal transition.  I see all the flowers and new growth in the wood .. rebirth everywhere … but no  Sam…  All these feelings are hard.. but not bad.. I feel like I’m exercising some muscles that have atrophied and need to be built back up

 Oy….

    As if on cue, Barbara P.. our good friend from the Richmond Congregational Church came buy to check on us… It’s always  so great talking to her.. she’s got great wisdom and love.. her nature is perfectly matched for her job .  We talked about how we were all doing . She had some good insights about the motivational issues that all four of us are facing as we try to go on  with ‘normal’.. We talked abotu the importance of mixing in some ‘not doing’  with all the ‘doing’ we’re doing.  in order to give us enought time to heal. She’s such a good friend.  As always,  I think  Its’ amazing that Barb has the time to come be with us  heathens when she has her own dedicated flock to look after.

    Later in the day, Sam’s old band, Black Knight Vengeance,  came by to practice. They’re thinking about bringing in an additional singer..  We just met Harley today.. he’s a really interesting and thoughtful guy.. great singer too.. He’s also very colorful.. check out this ink !

 

This one is amazing.. he’s got his heart right over his throat chakra.. he said he sings from his heart. If you met him.. you’d know what he means…

Well.. sounds like dinner is getting near.. so I better go help. I hope everyone is enjoying the fine weather… Please send  Sam… and the rest of us…your good vibes when you’re out soaking up Spring.. we could use  that good energy now.. thanks !

-jc

It was about 2;0 before I finally got to bed last night. after picking up Max and getting him home..  We were very gld ot have him back.. dane even decorated a cake !

 

 Luckily I managed to sleep until about 9 30.. We were all pretty lazy, so we all just hung out until about 11 when it was time to head to Milton for Gabe’s first Lacrosse game of the season.. Actually.. the first Lacrosse game of his life. Scott decided to come with us… so Diane, Scott, Chain and I piled in the car and drove up to Milton. I remember this Milton field mostly because of some very wet and cold times that we came here to watch Sam play…   Today, however,  was a sparklingly beautiful day.. a little cool and windy.. but perfect for being outside.  We tossed down our blanket. Bundled ourselves up against the wind and watch Gabe start his Lacrosse career. 

 At one point I must of fell asleep.. because I woke up to find  the team.  ,the fans, Diane Scott and Chai all gone. The first game was over.. and everyone .. but me.. had moved to the next field

 I’m not a sports guy.. but I’ve learned to really like Lacrosse.. it’s very fast paced and they seem to make new rules all the time to keep it interesting.. that’s all I need to keep me interested  (my nap experience not withstanding) Gabe … and the team.. really did a good job today..   

 

    Scott borrowed my camera and managed to get some good action shots of the team.. Here’s a good one he took of Gabe.. Scott also showed me two new features on my camera which allow you to swap and manipulate colors.  You, fair reader, will have to tolerate me playing with these features for a few days until the novelty wears off;

  

    After Lacrosse, we headed home (by way of Juniors Pizza.. Yum !). and hung out at home for a few hours.. We used the time to straighten up the house a little for tonight’s post-prom party and fool with the camera some more…

 

Around 7 we all headed over to Max’s girlfriend, Jessie’s, house to send the off to the prom The Chaces had picked u Sushi and the three couples ate raw fish while the adults all hung in the kitchen and took pictures of them. It was great.. They all looked great…  

 

We left Jessie’s around 8:30ish and headed back to Richmond We stopped at Carol and Mike’s  on the way .   Mike was throwing  a big Cinco del Mayo party for Carol  who’s turning 40 on Wed. There were lots of our Richmond friends there.. We saw some people we hadn’t seen in years. it was really quite a cool party.

 

We got home around 11:3in time to meet the first post-prom party goers.. By about 12:30 our house was full of people again. It’s so cure watching the kids come in to the house wearing fancy dresses and tuxes.. and then seeing them transforming themselves back into their grunge casual in less than 30 seconds each.. It’s like a reverse butterfly process…  Right now.. about 20 of them are downstairs singing show tunes really loudly. It’s going to be a long, fun night..

Sam join in whenever you’d like !

 -jc

 

Late last night Diane reminded me that I had a Reiki appt at 9 this morning.   Somehow I hadn’t remembered to put it on my calendar, so I had to start rearranging my calendar the moment I woke up. To do that. I had to turn on my laptop, which exposed me to several urgent/unpleasant emails waiting for me in my mailbox.   By the time I got to Marci’s for my Reiki session, I was already pretty grumpy  She managed to turn that around pretty quickly. . The thing I like about Reiki is that even though my brain ‘knows’ it can’t work, it does anyway..

Marci is trying to help me be more resilient/resistant to the day to day pressures that are building back in my work.  I left there feeling much more balanced. 

 I worked through the morning trying to prepare for a large meeting next week which I’m excited/nervous about. Mid day I met my friend John M for lunch  at  Mexecali. I love that place.. I don’t even have to tell them my order because  all  the folks there know what I like. John is a great guy. He sought me out after Sam’s death to talk to me about grieving. He lost both of his parents in an accident several years ago. He wanted to share his own experience and path towards healing in the hopes of helping me.. and it has.. Even though our situations are very different, My  experience trying to ramp back into life seems to have some similar challenges to John’s . He described it pretty well.. even though he looked ‘back’ to his colleagues… he didn’t  really feel  all there. He said that his memory was fine.. but when it came to problem solving/, there were times he just couldn’t do it. That’s exactly what I’m going through now. I don’t have any trouble remembering facts, people or connections.. but  I get so muddled when ever I have to synthesize… or work something out.. It’s really hard because those are some of the things I always felt that I was good at..    John and I also talked about spiritual growth.. again.. our  experiences and backgrounds  are quite different.. but it really helped to talk about it…   I’m so grateful that he is taking the time to talk to me at this point…

  The rest of  the day was a mix of short telephone conferences and emails.. I bugged out early so I could go down to New Haven  to help Homer unload the milling machine.  I got down to Homer’s shop a little before he returned.. so I plopped down on some rocks and started at the beautiful clear sky…  When Homer got back we unloaded the pieces of the mill and started to work on the table we’re planning to use as a new base  for the machine… It was grubby work.. but it was a beautiful afternoon…

We then shifted our focus to getting the mill reassembled.. we did a lot of head scratching and giving each other dumb looks.. there is a manual with the thing.. but neither of us wanted to be first to have to resort to it J … We got pretty far.. but In the end.. we did have to start reading   

.. About that time, I had to head back to Richmond…

    Diane was already up at Townsend’s so I went directly  there.. they were having a big bonfire for no particular reason.. They had another feast spread out up there.. and lots of our friends were there.

Deb made an interesting observation tonight.. their house  was always full of  their kids’ friends.. now.. since Sam’s passing… it’s also often filled with their kids, friends parents.. we’ve all become so close over the last 5 months.   I did spend some time staring into the fire.. I love watching the parks fly into the night sky. Someone said that each spark is a soul. I wonder.. I tried taking a few time-lapse pictures of the parks and got the following  If you look closely you’ll see a big ‘S’ traced out by one of the sparks.. if you look closely you can trace out other letters.. take a look…. !  ( I traced them to help you see)

   We got home around 11.. about 30 minutes later I had to dive to the airport to pick up Max… He’s just finished up his last semesters classes down at Pratt. His plain was about 30 minutes late.. by that time I’d fallen asleep on the floor of the airport terminal. I woke just as the plane landed. I could tell the moment that I saw Max that a great weight had been lifted off of him.. it was now summer vacation for him !.. I’m very proud of how hard he’s worked the last several weeks…    It’s wonderful to have him back home…

All my kids are with me now… you too Sam.

-me

ps. Max just reminded me that today is the one year anniversary of the day that our pet bird Gabi died. I remember that day so well. It was one of the hardest day my family had ever had together.  Sam loved that bird.. so did I.  

 

   

Long Day…   I woke this morning at 4:30 so that I could get down to Albany in time to host a phone meeting at 8:30 without having to be still driving.  It was very nice waking and leaving while it was still dark.. There was a beautiful moon set as I drove down the Hinesburg road.

It’s  funny because there was a beautiful  moonrise last night  that I tried to .get a picture of. . how often do you get to see both ends.

   I find that I  really enjoy these solitary drives to and from NY these days. It’s the best thinking time I have.. I turn off the radio . shut off my phone and I just think.. or not think… I often talk to Sam on these drives.. or ask him for help This morning’s meditation was on ‘what do I want to do with my life now’ …  I emphasize want because I’m not finding/making enough time now to do the things I really want to do. I’ve read back over the last several weeks of this journal and I can clearly see the start up of the same cycle of work obligation and stress that I was on before Sam died.. I don’t want to go back there… yet I don’t know how to avoid it.  Just as I hit that train of thought.. I came across the following sign on a stable gate on Route 74..

 

So.. what  IS a view of happiness ? I want to spend time with my family.. I want to make stuff..  I also know that I want more time s working with kids and science… maybe even find a way to do that full time eventually.. Diane has said in the past that  I need to put that intention out   and the opportunities will come to me.. I need to find a way to stay sane in the meanwhile…

   Anyway.. I made it down to the Albany NanoTech Center in time to meet about 30 friends and colleagues  from Burlington and maybe 50 or  so from our sister facility in East Fishkill NY,

We’d arraigned the meeting  both  to allow us to tour the state of the art NanoCenter…and to get in some good bonding time with our brethren and sistern (?) fro down south..  It was great seeing those folks.. many of them are good friends of mine.. s that alone made it worth the  trip. We got some good talks about the Center and how it works… as well as a glimpse of a recent technical breakthrough on ‘air gap dielectrics‘  by my buddy Dan E  that was just being announced in the press today.  The nanocenter helped pioneer this breakthrough with IBM research.     I’m so proud of Dan !!!!

   I had to leave a bit early in order to catch the start of a work call on the drive back. I hijacked my friends David H. and Jason H to keep me company on the drive back. They’re both good friends. We had a great set of technical discussions about one of Dave’s projects always learns stuff when we talk.  . He’s one of the smarted guys I know when it comes to computer algorithms.  The drive  home was really beautiful.. the weather and the company were splendid. I took the guys through the small detour to see the Penfield site in  ‘Ironville’  that’d stumbled across last Sunday on the way home from dropping Max at the train. They thought it was pretty cool

On the way home we happened to drive right by Homer’s place. so I dragged my friends in to see Homer’s latest love.. a 6 year old 17 foot lathe.. The only thing we can figure it was good for was turning cannon barrels. As old as it is, it still works great. Homer is planning on using it to turn columns for a new cabin he hopes to build.  It was good to introduce David Jason ,  and Homer.

   From there I dropped Jason and Dave off in Williston  and scooted out  to watch the end of Gabe’s Lacrosse practice. It was good watching him play.. He’s gotten very fast.   I was freezing so I spent nearly an hour walking around the track hoping to get warm.

After practice, Gabe and I stopped by Zachary’s for sandwiches then came home and did homework.. pretty simple evening. Diane was out with her book group and Max is still in NY.  

  I’m still on less than four hours of sleep from last night.. so I think I’ll close here.. Tomorrow will be another full day.. they all are Sam.

-jc