I really tried hard  to shake my blues today. I had decided to shift my vacation around to maximize my time with the kids over the next few days. I was going to take next week off, but we take Max back to Pratt on Saturday and Gabe starts school on Wed.   I spent the first part of the day hanging out with Gabe and his friends Trevor, Paolo, Will and Dylan . Our friend Paulo had been trying to get us to go and swim in a granite quarry in Barre for the last few days This morning we all piled into two cars and made the 45 min drive out there.

 It was a really cool place. It had been abandoned for many years though some of the old cranes and scaffolding were still around. There were some great old walls that made it seem like a Mayan ruin.

The quarry  itself was full of beautifully clear, soft and cold rain/spring water.  Our first stop was a (I’m guessing) 35 foot sheer cliff. The kids were eyeing it s a possible jumping spot and I really freaked. I know I overdid it.. but I could let go of the worry of what might be hidden beneath that water.  Even though many folks had jumped off  there safely… I keep telling myself that I don’t want to live in fear since Sam died .. and I certainly don’t want to instill fear in my kids.. but I just couldn’t get beyond my gut instinct.   We wandered down the shore a bit and found a nice 10 -15 foot cliff. The kids had a great time jumping off of that.. I even gave it a try. It was a beautiful place.

Luckily, Diane had remembered to bring a few SamStones. Paolo fashioned a little boat out of some aluminum foil and we set one of the stones sailing out into the quarry.

 Paolo’s mom Patti took the other SamStone and swam across the quarry to the cliff on the opposite side She climbed up like a mountain goat and placed the stone on a ledge about 40  feet over the water… Brave woman !

 

We headed back around 3 to get Paolo and  Dylan to their respective sports practices.. The rest of the afternoon dragged a little bit.  Not much to do.. not nice enough to play outside. Around 6 Gabe. Trevor  and I had the idea to go to Pizza Put for Laser Tag. That was a total blast.

We played a quick round, during which both Gabe and Trevor trounced me.. e.g. Me 125 points, Gabe 1200, , Trevor 2500.   I thought it was a mixture ofmy gun  and beginners suck-age. .. Then we had dinner.

The food was good.. and begged to be played with. I made a car and a face out of my veggie plate. .One of the waiters came over and told us that they’d just had a veggie plate sculpting contest.. and he showed my a picture on his phone of the winning entry.. a small pond filled with  fish made out of cuke’s carrots. celery and ranch dressing… I think the idea of veggie art. is catching on

 

After dinner, the guys played a few arcade games.. and played with the crazy mirrors then I challenged them to a laser tag rematch..   I’m not a big ‘gun person’ but this game is awesome.. and this last time.. I actually was not that bad.

 

The day out with Gabe was really just wht I needed. I’m hoping to get some more time with Max tonight.. he still has lots of packing to do.. I’m hoping to help him out.  I have such mixed feelings about him leaving. I know it’s the right thing for him to do, though. I’m really proud of him…

 

OK.. I gotta get some sleep..   More tomorrow.   Gnite all.. gnite Sam.

-jc

 

 

 

 

Not much to report today..  I’ve received several notes and calls based on the low  tone of my last few posts.   It was really touching that so many folks cared enough to check in on me/us.   It’s funny when that kind of thing happens. I know it sounds weird .. but I’m always surprised when someone reacts to what I write here.. (OK.. everyone walk out side now and quack like a duck !)   At some level I know that there are folks out there reading this  but at the same time I don’t really want to think about what people will make of what I put here. If I thought about it much, I might get too freaked out to write at all . .    I actually got a little self conscious today that I might be bringing people down too much…I know Ive said this before..    but I suppose folks can stop reading whenever they like.. I just can’t stop writing. 

 My intention is to record as much of my thinking as I can get down every day for.. for what ?  Posterity ?  my own future reference.. I don’t know . I spend a good deal of time thinking about my intentions. What do I want from he balance of my life now that Sam has passed ?   I was talking to one of the interns at work about this  today.. I don’t think I ever really gave much thought to my own intentions.. In fact, I don’t think many people do.. I’ve always had goals.. but not so much day to day  purposeful intentions.. Here are my current intentions… in rough priority order

 

• Have a loving and supportive relationship with my kids
• Have a loving and supportive relationship with Diane
• Find ways to honor Sam’s memory and spirit
• Have a loving and supportive relationship with my parents and extended family
• Enjoy robust good health
• Have meaningful work that is both fun and helps others
• Have some measure of peace and ease in my life

What are yours ?

 

Love you all.. love you Sam

 

-me

 

Ps. The folks at Carnegie Mellon University wrote a really nice article about  my educations outreach stuff,,, It’s on the front of their webpage today.  Later, the link will be here. I really ike this one because it points folks to the CMU outreach activities  where they can get personally involved

 

Sam left us nine months ago tonight. Nine months .. the same time it took for him to grow inside Diane.  What a beautiful baby he was.. He’ll always be my beautiful baby.

 
 It was such a beautiful evening tonight  that  Diane, Max, Gabe, Trevor, Chai and I went and had a picnic in the park.

We ate  sandwiches from Bridge street   then held hands and thought of Sam as we launched another hot air balloon. 

We then hung around and tossed a Frisbee until it got dark. We brought out one special firework tonight.. a ‘happy lantern’ which is a family favorite. It put a nice end to a tough day. Sometimes that’s all you can do.

 

We love you Sam

-Mom, Dad, Max, Gabe and Chai

 

Redoxmorphic…… that was just the way I felt this morning when I woke up,    Gabe, Trevor and I had camped out on the trampoline last night under the stars (and shooting stars) .. it was beautiful and pretty cold (42 this morning !)..    Just after I awoke, Barb. Justin and Bill A. showed up with a backhoe to do some soil profiles on our broken septic leach field. Our 9 months of mourning, entertaining and housing has caused our system to crap out.. so to speak. From what I heard  from Justin and Barb.. there’s some hope that we can install a new system without too much hassle.. because the soil is not too redoxymoprhic.. whatever that means.. I’ll take it…  I did manage to toss a SamStone into the test trenches.. i even climbed down in them to get a worms eye view of my yard. Pretty wierd.

 

The funny thing is that Gabe and Trevor managed to keep sleeping peacefully as Bill dug two 5 foot trenches in the yard with his handsome but none-too-quiet backhoe.  

 

 

Sleeping outside was the perfect thing to do last night. I’d been in a really down mood for the past week. Last night we ended up having an impromptu spaghetti dinner for a bunch of kids at the house..

we then went out back and launched another of the hot air balloons. This one went up beautifully.. then gave us quite a scare when  it almost landed on the barn roof. Miraculously it missed the barn and came down between the barn and the house where we caught it intact. We all then piled in the car with some fireworks and motored up to Bolton for a brief end-of-Voices-movie salute.. I re-launched the hot air balloon after writing Sam’s name all over it and it sailed off into the distance.. They really are spectacular.. as were the fireworks we bought at Hooksett Fireworks. There is simply no better way to mark or celebrate  something than shooting off fireworks. 

Max stayed up at the crew party until the wee hours.. He and Josh drove away  with burning fireworks taped to boat rack… I heard it was pretty cool to see.

 

Today was much, much quieter.. all the voices folks except Travis  are gone. Max is getting ready to go back to school.. and I’m wondering around pretty lost. I did manage to get some good stuff done at work..  but I’m so distracted and .. well.. sad.    I ran into the lunch room around 1 today to grab a quick salad and my friend V   the lunch guru stopped me and told me that she could tell by my eyes that I am  lost.

 

My pride  flared and I began to tell her.. ‘no.. I’m OK’.. then I realized.. no.. I’m NOT ok.. I’m about as far from OK as a person can be and still be walking around Something in me keeps telling me that I’m supposed to  be getting stronger.. better… whatever.    V came  over to give me a hug and I just broke down in the lunch line.. pretty weird.   What is it about me that makes me want to reassure everyone that I’m coping ok ? 

 

(ps.. that’s a ‘coping’ saw.. please forgive the visual pun )

 

OK.. gotta sleep now.. more tomorrow.

 

Gnite all, gnite Sam

 

-me

 

Ps. I saw this wierd movie title in the movie rental place..

 

pss. Beutiful sunset tonight !