Today was a good, quiet day. We had heavy snow all day, so it felt very good to be indoors. I worked hard all day and time passed quickly. It still take much longer for me to get anything done. One thing I like about my work now is that folks are so much more willing to share their personal stories with me.   At one point today I had a great IM conversation  with my friend Sybil down in Austin. She shared with me a wonderful song that her friends had written for her when her fiancée passed away 2.5 years ago. I’ll share it with folks as soon as I get the words.   After talking to Sybil, I couldn’t really go beack and do work.-work.. I sifted gears and spent a few hours working on Sam’s SaStone website. I really enjoyed spending a few hours staring at pictures of Sam.. even if they were surrounded by HTML.

The instructor, Ely, is a great guy. He’s a social worker in real life.. we spent a long time talking about dying and healing and gymnastics.. An interesting mix.. My one goal for the  evening was to do a backflip. I’m proud to say that I did a few.. even though I still need to work on my form

.. I also took this movie by doing a flip with the camera in my hand.. It makes me quesy just watching it.

 

After gymnastics,  everyone came over for late dinner and ice cream. There was a pretty good size crow.. It was pretty tame though.. most of the  adults gravitated to the dinner table to work on coloring Mandala’s  It’s very relaxing and cheaper than wallpaper.

    Speaking of drawing.. here’s a picture of Sam’s friend Nate’s new Tattoo.. He had Sam’s Mayan glyphs inked on his arm… (with his parent blessing)..

-jc

 

I’m just sitting down to write in a big, empty house….  Diane’s out shopping for our trip to next week. Max is down at Pratt, Gabe is spending the night up at the mountain and Sam is….is…   So… that’s what my days are like.. The constant  re-realization of how our lives are so changed.

    I’ve actually had the house to myself for a big part of the last three days while the rest of the family zooms around. It’s actually very peaceful here. I generally don’t get much solitude unless it’s on an airplane… It has been a welcome relief from having to be ‘on’ all the time..  I’ve been sleeping late, ..hanging out in my ‘jammies till afternoon , listening to loud music and eating strange food whenever I feel like it.. Don’t get me wrong I’m working hard most of the day.. and getting a good amount  of outdoor exercise  each day.. it’s just that I’m unplugging from work more often… .. I think I’m getting in touch with my inner slacker J

    I’m also using the relative quiet as a chance to be a  ‘witness’ to my own thinking. I’m just observing what happens in my mind without judgment.. and without trying to manipulate my thinking.. as I go through the day….   One thing I observe is how constant Sam’s presence is in my mind. It’s hard to  explain.. It’s not a sad thing at all. It’s like I always have his face in my mind.. he’s positioned slightly up and left of my own heart. always wearing a warm  and knowing smile. I’m amazed at how persistent and strong his presence is with me every waking minute.. he’s there when I wake up, when I eat, when I exercise, when I talk on the phone… he’s here now.  He’s so strong, I’m sometimes surprised I can do anything else .. Most of the time it’s a comfort.. Sometimes I ‘look’ toohard and I can lose myself in sadness.

   Other things I’ve witnessed is how often I talk to myself or to Sam out loud during the day when no one else is around. I think I’ve always talked to myself.. Now I have someone to talk  tooI also am surprised at how often I hear myself sigh..(“oh sam”)  during the day.. or curse for no reason..  I think/hope  this is all good venting though I’ll bet it would a little creepy to hear if anyone else were listening..

   Another thing I observe.. I notice that I’m much slower to stress or to get angry. Those  of you who have known me in the past probably know how wrapped up in my work I could get.. I was/am passionate about my work.. and I could get pretty tense after a day of meetings.. Now I find it so easy.. too easy J to shut the laptop at 6PM and go goof off… That may sound normal.. but it’s nothing I’ve been able to do since I was maybe 8 years old.  Again.. it’s the inner slacker in me yearning to kick back…

   Here’s a real illustration that illustrates my new calm..  Yesterday. our very good friend Deb D. dropped off one of her killer homemade Mac and Cheese’s.  This stuff is really food for the gods.  Tonight, I was eating alone. I  heard that Mac and Cheese singing to me from  the ‘fridge.  I went in to get some . and as I did the whole pan fell out and spilled on the floor..   Normally this would have sent me into a terrible cursing frenzy.. but tonight.. I just  laughed !  .It was pretty funny.. (and given the 5 second rule, I had most of it back in the pan before the dirt on the floor even noticed)..    This is my new Buddah nature.   Thanks to you Sam…

 -jc

ps. Here’s a picture from Diane, Sam and my trip to mexico last June.. What a great time that was

Today started early for all of us. Diane woke at 5 to take Max down to Rutland to catch the train to NYC.. Max loves taking the train down there. He says it’s relaxing and fun. I woke at about 6:30 and got ready to go out. My friend Jason from work showed up around 7:30 as planned for a snow shoe. It was nice having a visitor for my morning exercise since Diane was down taking Max. Jason and I took the mid length loop in the woods. Some of it was unbroken trail with still deep snow whch was fun.

 Jason and I talked work for most of the trip.. I’d sort of made a personal pact to not think about work while outside.. but this was a good chance to catch up on some things. We came down of the loop and walked out to the rock in the high pasture above our house… That got us on the topic of ‘why we live here’ . Jason was saying how much he and his family love their lives here in Vermont. I told him how much we had loved our lives.. how perfect they were.. until Sam died.. and how we still love them now.. It’s funny to say that we still love our lives after this tragedy.. but we do. The conversation got my mind on the topic of ‘why’ !? again.. Why Sam ?! Why us ?!   I don’t usually let myself go to the ‘why’… In some way it’s probably progress that I’m able to go there today…

   I came back to the house in time to meet Diane.. She’d made the 4 hour roundtrip and Gabe was still sleeping  When he woke up the two of them went up to the montain to enjoy the beautiful conditions.. That left me in the house alone all day to work. It was really nice having the whole house to myself… I got a ton of work done. . at the same time is was so quiet and lonely. At one point, I went through the house calling Sam’s name.. just like I used to. I wanted to hear it… Anyone listening would have thought Id gone crazy.. but it wasn’t crazy.. it was nice.   . I’m still struggling so much to get into my work. It seems that no matter how much time I spend.. I can only get 1 or 2 things done per day now.. what a change from before !. I started to wind down around 5. I closed the laptop and took Chai for another walk to clear my head.. Good choice..

After the walk, I headed up to the mountain to watch Gabe’s Night Rider snowboard competition. I love going up there now.. We have so may friends up there. It feels like a reuninion every week.   I don’t know how Gabe did tonight becasue   I left around 8:15 to head to the Keller Williams show at Higher Ground. I got my wish from last night that they offered me and a guest passes for the show tonight in excahnvge for the blinking beer tray.. I didn’t get to use them , though.. I already had a ticket.. and none of the friends I asked could go tonight.. Nothing wasted though..

    I ran into Mason at the show and hung out with him. It was an *amazing* show.. Music has such healing power for me now ! Keller Williams is like a whole orchestra in one guy.. funny, talented, and incredibly  musical. It was one of the best live shows I can recall seeing in  Burlington.. really !    They had  a pretty cool light show

… which was augmented by a cool blue glowing beer tray.  It was cool to have contributed that to the evening. 

I did manage to plant a SamStone on one of the speakers without bringing down the sounds system.. that’s cool in itself.

It was a great show Sam.. Hope you enjoyed it !

-jc

“Where are you Now” 

by GUFS (Sung here by Keller Williams)

Here I am
Lost without you
I can’t feel myself
I can’t even move
There so much I want to say
If I could get through to you 

Where are you now?
Are you standing on the edge
If you fall, will I see you again?

Open your eyes
Don’t say goodbye
Won’t you stay with me
and give me one more try
Talk to me
Tell me what you need
 

Where are you now?
Are you standing on the edge
If you fall, will I see you again?
Where are you now?
If it’s time to let you go
Tell me now
Cause I can’t hold on anymore 

Where are you now?
Are you standing on the edge
If you fall, will I see you again?
Where are you now?
If it’s time for letting go
Tell me now
Cause I can’t hold on anymore

 
Where are you?
Who took you away from me?
cause I can’t hold on anymore
Where are you?
Who took you away from me?
I can’t hold on anymore

  Where are you now?

 

What a beautiful day. Diane and I took a quick snow shoe this morning in brilliant sun. I got back just in time to make a call with my friend ‘S’ from Bangalore India. S and I have been friends for a couple of year’s. I only recently learned that her brother died unexpectedly last spring. We’d exchanged a few notes, but I really wanted to get together to talk about our losses and healing. We spent about 45 minutes taking about Sam, her brother, our families, and our healing. It was really good sharing stories, good and bad about how we and our loved ones were doing. We talked for a long whole about our paths back into work.. and the difficulties that was still presenting us both. Everyone’s story is different.. even so, there are many parallels in our paths through loss and healing even though we live  in very different cultures on opposite ends of the earth  .

   I decided to work at home today which was pretty relaxing, even though . I had a pretty full work day. One great thing about working at home is that you can do other stuff while on conference calls… Other things like taking pictures of the aliens in your wooden ceiling 

  The day passed very quickly. Before I knew it was dinner time. Diane and some friends were headed to a movie so I grabbed Max and Gabe and took them to Bridge Street for dinner.  It’s always fun going there.. we always run into many folks we know.

  

We headed home around 7:30 to intercept my good friend Kerry, his son Mike and Mike’s friends Connor and Jack. Kerry had told me he was coming by because Mike and his buddies had ‘something’ to give us. Well, that ‘something’ was a box filled with donations to Sam’s fund. The boys had organized a 3 way birthday party in the Underhill town center.   Instead of asking for gifts, they’d asked their friends to consider making donations for Sam’s fund instead. They’d hired a DJ (Bucky B) and stuck a donation box with Sam’s picture. By the end of the night with over $800 !!!   (The floor even collapsed !)

It was such a moving and generous thing for these kids to do. In honor of their generosity.. I offered to eat a spoon of peanut butter, A1 sauce and whipped cream…Believe me, it didn’t taste as good as it sounds….

 

After Kerry and the boys left, I went out to the lab and made another blinking beer tray… This one is blue.

 

 I’m hoping to trade it for an extra ticket to tomorrow night’s Keller Williams show at Higher Ground so I can take a friend. I’ve already traded one of these things for entry to a show..   Should be a great show.. see you there Sam !

-jc