Not much to say tonight. I think I have a little of the day-after-blues after the big birthday bash last night    Today wasn’t  a bad day,,, just a little sad.  The same thing happened after Christmas and New Years.  Actually, I’m trying to get better about calling  whole days as being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ most days have elements of both so it’s unfair and inaccurate to label them as being one or the other.  Anyway… I’m finding that having fun is still fun… I just find  that I need a little down time now after doing it.

   Last night things went pretty late.. I think some kids stayed up all night. There were still lots of them around …   Its  always nice having kids around in the morning. Once again Diane managed to cook several shifts of breakfast before I finally rolled out of bed at 9:30. Once everyone left, things quieted down.  Sometime in the morning, Gabe went up on the Mountain and   Max left with some friends to visit Bas and Andy in Quebec.   Around noon Diane. Chai and I got out for a snowshoe with Jen and Tim behind their  house. It was a beautiful trail.. I ran on it several times many years ago when Sam was at Noreen Grant’s   doing Suzuki keyboard lessons.. I remember the pieces Sam composed then.. they were beautiful.

   After the snowshoe, our friend T came by with her two kids. We know T from MMU.. She has been affected deeply by Sam’s death and has had some amazing visions and insights about Sam and his passing. It was her husband who made the Bodhisattva reference to Sam. She made an interesting comment to us about how unusual  and special  it is to be able to see the whole arc of someone’s life.. especially a life lived well like Sam’s .. 

    T had written me a great note earlier in the day commenting on some of the stories in this blog.

She joked that it seemed like I was getting younger as the blog went forward  sort of like the wizard Merlin’s “youthening” or reverse aging process. I like this image of Merlyn..  .since kooks  Merlyn. Dumbledor, Gandolf, Doc Brown  from Back to the Future . have been my heroes since I was a kid.  (Can you see it ? )

I certainly don’t feel like I’m getting any younger when I look into the mirror.. but .when I look into my heart, I think T may be right. As strange as it may seem,. I feel like some of Sam’s spirit has come into me.. into us… since his death. The way Sam’s many friends and their families have come into our lives has been like a jolt of energy for me. I can’t remember a time I’ve felt more alive, felt more love.. or felt this creative. It just sucks that this ‘youthening’  for me. has to come at such a high cost. .It’s one of those strange gifts I’m finding in this tragedy… 

    The rest of the  evening has been  pretty quiet. Gabe had Will over and we all played Monopoly I find I’m no better with fake money than I am with the real thing It was fun hanging out, though. . Carolyn and Selene came by. Carolyn related a sad coincidence story from her recent  trip to Colorado. She was looking for a place to leave a SamStone when she walked into a store  in Colorado Springs. The store owner’s 17 year old  son Asher Crank had just been killed in a skiing accident on Jan 17^th.. The family was just beginning their own path through the journey we’re on.  My thoughts are with them…

   Hearing about Asher’s  family reminds me about the  poem which our friend Sarah sent me a few weeks back .

 

The Well of Grief  – by David Whyte

Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface of the well of grief
turning downward through its black water
to the place we cannot breathe
will never know the source from which we drink,
the secret water, cold and clear, nor find in the darkness glimmering
the small round coins
thrown away by those who wished for something else.

Those small round coins are the gifts that keep coming up for me.. They’re not gifts we wanted.. but gifts just the same.. Thank you Sam..

-jc

I woke up late this morning thinking of Sam. It took me a few moments to remember that today was actually my birthday. I lay in bed for a while thinking about how I felt. It is definitely hard having a birthday without Sam being here with us.. At the same time, I feel like  it’s appropriate for us to celebrate the milestone of turning a year older.  Sam would not have wanted to ruin an opportunity for a party. As I imagined, the day was full of both fun and sad moments. Several times throughout the day I had to go into Sam’s room to look at his pictures and cry.. the rest of the day I spent enjoying myself. I think feeling these contrasts are a good thing..  The more I feel these highs and lows the more I realize I’m having the highs occasionally. .. does that make sense ?
     One of my priorities for the day was to get outside.. because that’s where I feel Sam most strongly. Around 12 Diane, Chai and I piled in the car and drove up Bolton Notch  road to the long trail. We snowshoed in to the west up unto the ridge that’s right across from Robbins mountain. It was a beautiful cold and sunny day.  There was a ton of snow. It was a perfect day for a snowshoe.. The wind had blown the snow into perfect stripes on the western faces of the trees which added a fun extra challenge to following the Long Trail’s white blazes. The climb up to the ridge is pretty steep.. by the time we got up there  we’d burned enough calories to earn our cake. We walked to a nice clearing that I like and decided to turn around. I marked the turn around with my signature naked snow angel.. I try to do this every year on my birthday…it’s a strange tradition. I know.expecially when it’s 5 degrees out and windy.. I got re-dressed faster than I would have believed possible. On way back down I was hit in the eye very hard by a stick… I managed to get a bad scrape and bruise to my right eyelid, just above my eyelashes I was extremely lucky because it could easily have badly hurt my eye… This is one of those good examples of finding good in a bad situation. I’m getting good at that. Check out my eye !:

   We got home around 2:30 After Max and Gabe got home we decided to sing happy birthday and open presents. It was a bittersweet moment .. we lit a candle for Sam and spent a few minutes crying together.and invited him into our celebration.  Once he was with us, we switched gears  and dug into celebrating. Max and Gabe had printed and framed some amazing time lapse photos they’d taken..  In several of them they had drawn Sam in light.. it was so beautiful and sad…  I’ll try to get the originals and post them sometime this week.  Diane got me a great digital camera like Hannah’s … I’ve been wishing for one  to help me with this blog.. . Here is the first shot of my beatiful family from my new camera

    Sam even  gave me a wonderful  present today, too …. In today’s mail were two short  cards of thanks from the woman  who received Sam’s liver and the man who received one of Sam’s kidney’s.. It was such a wonderful connection to have made. The agency is very careful on protecting the identities of donors and recipients.. Now that we know that these two people are willing to communicate, we plan on writing to them . We’ll see where that goes.  I’ll keep everyone posted.
     This evening we had a ‘few’ people over for a potluck.. by the end of the evening I think there were more than 80 folks here. Many of them were Sam’s friends which makes us all very happy. . We really had a good time. I had a few liters of liquid nitrogen left over from last week. We used it for blowing up a garbage can with liquid nitrogen

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 then we used the rest to make liquid nitrogen chocolate ice cream… from goop to ice cream in about 30 seconds. Yum !

Then we made several hundered SamStones. It was a great evening.
   Here’s me contemplating the candels. Five for my family was definitely easier than the 48 it would really take:

   Well.. It’s getting late.. I’m going to finish up now. Thanks to all the people who phoned, emailed, wrote or visitied. We feel very well loved and cared fore. Sam, I feel you with me so much tonight…I love you my son…

-jc

 

The four of us just came back from Sakuras where we had an excellent sushi dinner in early celebration of my 48^th birthday tomorrow.  We ordered a 5^th bowl of miso soup for Sam.. He’s always at the table when the four of s sit down.   It’s funny facing my birthday. Right now, I feel pretty good about it.. though I’m not sure how I’ll feel tomorrow. This birthday.. and any holiday/anniversary is going to feel different without Sam physically here with us.  It’s a change that’s to big to explain. The hopes and dreams I had for my first 47 years have been completely and irrevocably changed by Sam’s death. I don’t mean that I don’t still have hopes and dreams.. It’s that I need to rebuild them all. I’m certainly sadder than I was.. but I think I’m stronger somehow too. It’s so hard integrating that I won’t get to experience some of the things I had hoped to cherish in the future.. Sam driving, Sam’s Graduation, Sam’s wedding, Sam’s kids.. and that feels like a huge hole in my heart.  At the same time I know that I’m still blessed. That thought came to me so strongly at the Reiki session I did today with Marci T. I know that I’m going to live the years to come in a more mindful and thoughtful place.. Even as I grieve for Sam, I’m so thankful for what I have.. my beautiful sons Max and Gabe who are here  with us and the memory and presence of my beautiful son  Sam who feels like he’s everywhere I’m so lucky to have my strong and beautiful wife Diane by my side.. our loving parents and siblings. This amazing community….    Our lives are not perfect anymore  but we have much still to be thankful for.  .. and I know it.. and that’s how I plan to face my birthday tomorrow.. Wish me luck. 

    Diane and I began today talking about the stages of grief table that I posted in the blog yesterday She made a good point about the first column of the table that suggests a timeline for the process. She pointed out how strange it is to try to assign a specific timeline for a process that everyone has to approach differently. It really is dangerous to set an expectation on someone.. or on yourself for that matter.. that after 2weeks we’ll be like this.. after 3 months I’m going to be like that… after 6 months  I’ll be fine.   I’m really dreading the day that someone says or implies  “aren’t you over this yet ?!”  It’s not going to happen like that…. Over it isn’t even my goal.

    Speaking of time, I noticed that  today marks 80 days since Sam died… I was thinking today as I ran that that makes 80 days in a row I’ve spent at least a few minutes crying hard…That’s 80 days in a row that I’ve gone to bed thinking about Sam.. and that I’ve woke up thinking about him.   That’s an amazing amount of time to think of one thing… and I’m just starting at this.

    OK..  I’m going to go write Sam’s name in the snow.. I’ve done it every day there’s been snow on the ground. I hope some other folks will do the same. .. consider that a birthday present for me. Hey Sam.. you’re invited to my party.. always.

-jc

 ps Mike Lawlor was kind enough to forward me a recording of the Skanky Green song that the guys just wrote about Sam. I posted the lyrics last Sunday (2/04/07)..Here’s the recording of  The Ballad of Captain Sam. I love it !

Ahhhhh. I finally got a chance to lie down after a long busy day. I’m coming to really enjoy my time writing every night. I go into Sam’s room, plop down on his bed and think about my day… It’s really a good habit to spend some time reflecting on your day. I wish it didn’t have to come to me in the way it did. I’ve been  doing much better this week about keeping true to my goal of mindfulness. I’ve managed not to get caught up too much in the rush of my old life. I realized today that the lessons I’m learning from Sam are accelerating a path I was trying to follow for the last several years.. I had that realization when I saw a bumper sticker in Sakura’s parking lot that said: “remember the person you wanted to be …”  what a great thought. For me that has two meanings.. there’s the ‘remember the goals and ideals that you may have lost along the way.’ And a second meaning.. I used to say that if I could be anyone else in the world, I would have wanted to be Sam..   He was so strong, so confident, sure of himself, satisfied and able…   “… “remember the person you wanted to be”.. I will

   I think so much bout Sam these days that I can hardly think of anything else. Diane and I were talking about it during our early morning Snowshoe… We both are so spaced out these days that we feel a major sense of accomplishment if we each finish one task in a day. Diane told me that yesterday Hannah T came over to hang out with her…They drove around doing errands. Diane found that she was getting far more done with Hannah in tow than she’d been getting done by herself. It seemed like having someone with her allowed Diane to focus and stay on task. That a minor epiphany for me// then and there I committed to finding myself a Hannah or two to keep me pointed in  the ht direction. This afternoon I latched on to my friend Jason at work .. he proved to be a good Hannah for the day. I think I’ m going to d latch on to folks like that to help me keep moving.. If I do it to you and it bugs you, please feel free to tell me to find a different Hannah.

   Speaking of spaciness (was I speaking of spaciness ? )   My old friend Sarah sent me a table today that she’d been given when coping with a loss. It gives a rough timeline for the effects of grief..  I expect that the timeline changes with the person and the loss.. the columns do seem to resonate with where we are now though…

   

    

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STAGE AND TIME PERIOD	COGNITIVE (Thinking)	AFFECTIVE                (Feeling)	SOMATIC (Physical)	SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS	COPING MECHANISMS
SHOCK (hours to days)	Slowed and/or disorganized thinking Blocking Suicidal thoughts Wish to join deceased May appear unaffected	Psychic numbness Blunting Outbursts Euphoria Hysteria Unaffected	Physical numbness Feeling of unreality Feeling of being outside body Hypo or hyperactivity Talkative	Passive Unaware of others	Denial Intellectualization Depersonalization
PROTEST (first week to 3 months)	Preoccupied with thoughts of deceased Searching Rumination Dreams Hallucinations	Sadness Fear Anger Guilt Relief Irritability Yearning Sense of presence	Physical distress Pain in chest Sleep disturbance Fatigue Nausea Decreased appetite Weight loss	Dependent Seeks help	Regression Projection Introjections
DISORGANIZATION (3 to 6 months)	Confusion Aimlessness Slowed thinking Loss of interest Decreased self esteem Focus on memories	Sadness Loneliness Depression Meaninglessness Apathy Feeling of unreality Intense anguish	Deceased inside self Adopt traits and mannerisms of deceased Restlessness Decreased resistance to illness	Withdrawn Avoid others Lacks initiative Lacks interest	Regression Projection Introjections
REORGANIZATION (6 months to years)	Develop realistic memory of deceased Develop pleasure in remembering Return to previous level of functioning Find new meaning in life	Experience both sadness and happiness	Return to previous level	New or renewed social relationships New or renewed interests	Resumes former coping and/or adds new coping mechanisms

 

By this timeline, I guess I should plan to be disorganized for some time to come… I love that. Planning to be disorganized.. Sigh…

    We’ll I did manage to remember one thing today . I took the mitten rack that the  girls  had welded and painted up to Bolton. I needed to get it up to the Townsend’s before one more mitten landed on their very nice floor. Gabe had a good night up there and placed 2^nd in his age group again   Unfortunately, by the time I got there, Deb and Barry  Townsend had left for the hospital with their son Matt who’d just broken both leg bones on the  Money Boot ( I think that’s where it was)  landing a jump. It’s a double bummer since Matt broke this same leg last year.. Matt and his Mom and Dad have to spend the night in the hospital. Let’s all send Matt some love tonight. While we’re at  it let’s also send some to my friend Jim who just got a hip replaced, to Lori who just had her knee re-done and to Janet who also had surgery this week. Busy week for healing…  Send them some love Sam… 

-jc