All posts by johncohn

Saturday evening – at Jen and TIm’s

It’s Saturday night and I’m at a potluck at Jen and Tim’s house. There are lots of good food and friends around.  There are about  20 people here right now  and everyone I can see has a button with Sam’s picture. That’s pretty amazing considering it’s been nine weeks since he died.  The nice thing about crowds like this is that you can get away with just about anything. I don’t think anyone has noticed yet that I’m over here typing on the computer rather than socializing. J

    In a few minutes we’re going to clear away the plates and start making SamStones. The idea is jelling a bit more each day. Our thought now is to make thousands of fired clayt ‘rocks’ with Sam’s name on the front and our new URL (samstones.org)  on the back. We hope to spread some of Sam’s spirit this way. The website is just barely up at this point. I’m looking for help in making it a good place for info about Sam and some of the ways are keeping his memory alive. We also want to make it easy for folks to get these SamStones so that they can carry them to the four corners of the earth. Sam would think that was so cool.    It feels very good to put energy into something that  passes on Sam’s love and his wonderful spirit.  One of the things I’m finding  that most of the stuff that’s been written about mourning the death of a kid is about ‘coping’… I’ve not come across much on the topic of ‘celebrating’. Sam was/is a joyous spirit.. so just coping seems so inadequate.   I wish there were more resources for grieving folks about how to creatively honor their loved ones…  

   I did start reading a very interesting book on loss today.. “Ghost Rider – Travell on the Healing Road” by Neil Peart, the drummer from the Canadian band Rush. My friend Kevin gave it to me. In one year Piert lost his daughter to a car accident then his wife to cancer all within a year.  From two chapters of reading  I feel a great kinship with the guy as only someone who’s faced this kind of loss can feel.   At the same time it also helps me realize how very different everyone’s path through loss can be. Peart spends a good deal of time talking about how losing a kid estranged him from his wife. That seems unbelievable to me given my own experience. I can’t imagine how’d I’d get through this without Diane. .. while we are finding our own path through grieving.. our love for each other and our family is the one of the main thing sustaining us at this point. Peart also chooses to cope  by getting on his motor cycle and driving 55,000 miles to escape his loss.  I can’t imagine  getting through this without our community… The other thing I realize from reading someone else’s reflections on mourning is they make for weird reading.. it makes me wonder why anyone would read what I’m writing in this blog… :-0

    Ooops,,, I’ve just been caught typing.. I think the karaoke is about to start so I must run and hide.. Plug your ears Sam.. Talk to you tomorrow.

-jc

 

Thursday night

Another moderately quiet evening at home.. ‘only’ Max, Gabe, Mason  Scott, Carl, Jessie, Dan and Chai in the house. Diane is at a book club meeting tonight.  I like the fact that the house is hardly ever even close to empty.. It’s harder to be down when you have people to feed. Not that that was hard tonight. Our fiend Kristen brought over a delicious dinner. I worry that we’re getting spoiled now.. we never were particularly good about cooking for ourselves before Sam died so this seems like luxury.  Gabe and I had some quiet time playing a game before bed which was nice. Folks are drifting off to bed now and I’m feeling a little down. I’ve had a busy couple of days at work and that hasn’t given me the time to think about Sam during the day. On top of that ,the last two mornings have been too cold to run which kept me form my morning commune with Sam. I find that if I don’t spend  enough  time grieving… no. that’s not the right  word.. if I don’t spend enough  time being with Sam in a day it catches up with me. It’s like some sort of congestion., . Being here in his room tonight makes it feel a little better.
   I had another day of walking the halls of work and running into people I haven’t seen since Sam died. I’m learning that I have to plan about 20 minutes every time I walk out of my office door to allow for the hugs and concerned conversations I have with everyone I meet in the hall. The funny thing is that I’m finding this to be good for me.. and not an inconvenience at all. In my past life I was always running down the hall late for something and too busy to talk.. now I’m finding that I (usually) can’t rush by someone when they give me that ‘I don’t know what to say’ look. It slows me down and I like it. I’m also finding that it’s fun leaving my office door open so people can wander by.. I also find that I can’t multi-task as well as I used too.. which means I need to stop typing when someone comes in to talk.. Again it slows me down in a very nice way.. I can’t see how mindful people get any work down at all. J .. I had some very good conversations today in the hall.. Several friends said something to the effect of .. ‘you don’t look as bad as I expected’.   It’s hard to try and live up to folks expectation of what a grieving father should look/act like. I can see it is hard for my friends to know what to expect..  I’m still ‘me’ in here.. just a sadder and maybe wiser version.: meet  me 2.0.
  
I did allow myself one indulgence today. Diane had set me up with another Reiki session with our friend Marcy. If you haven’t done Reiki you may want to check it out.
It’s a form of Japanese body  work that attempts to rebalance your body’s  energy fields..  Two months ago I wouldn’t have been open to anything involving energy fields that you couldn’t measure with a voltmeter.. Now I’m finding myself open to all sorts of things. I’m finding Reiki to be intensely relaxing.. Both times I’ve done it I’ve had some really powerful  images of Sam come into my mind. He always has that goofy smile…
   Anyway.. it’s getting late and I should go..   See you in my dreams Sam.

-jc

 Ps.  Jen. Called tonight and asked me to tell folks that she’s planning a pot-luck this Saturday at her house on Wes White Hill at around 6:30ish. We’re going to be making some more SamStones on them.  ..Pse come and wear your playing with clay clothes. Hope to see you there. !

Wednesday evening

It’s five below zero out and we just got back from Bolton Valley. Tonight is the first night of the Wednesday Night Rider’s ski and snowboard competition up at the mountain. We’ve been going up there every ride-able Wednesday for the past couple of years with Sam. If you’ve never been to Night Riders, you should try it… It’s a great time.. .. the competition is fun and the prizes are great. Over the years Sam has won countless boards, bindings, goggles, hoodies, backpacks, annual passes, etc.. It’s worth checking it out.  This time Gabe competed for the first time  .. wearing Sam’s number and Sam’s lucky Spam lounge pants.    Most of us grownups were wimps and stayed inside because of the cold while the kids froze their tails off outside. The guys started tonight’s contest with a moment of silence for Sam. Our buddy Zach who runs the Night Riders program announced on the park loudspeaker that this years series was in Sam’s honor.. Everyone in the bar toasted Sam.. Oh.. I missed him so  much at that moment.  

 Even so.. it was good being up there with all our friends.  We’ve spent the past two months grieving with this same crowd.. and it felt good to be able to party with them a little on a different topic.  We’ve come to love all of Sam’s Bolton friends  so much that they’re like one big goofy extension of our family…  We slummed inside the cozy bar as long as we could until it was time to go downstairs in the relative cold  for the awards….. Gabe pulled a 3rd in his age group.. (Yo Gabe !).. He had a great night. All the prizes were gone by about 9 and we left.

   On the way home I was thinking about Sam so much.. I cloned his IPOD unto mine the other day so I was listening to some of his music to feel close. I drove home with Sam’s death metal (Killswitch Engage) at full volume. Not the kinds of music that normally brings tears to your eyes.. but tonight it did.

   It was the kind of evening I needed after one of my first really busy days back at work. I was pretty much back-to-back in phone meetings today. Every one of them starts with a sweet and awkward ‘I don’t know what to say’ from the folks on the phone.  Same thing happens when I see friends in the hallway at work.  It’s strange to hear these brilliant and articulate folks rendered speechless by our loss. Our experience of losing a kid hits such a universal nerve. It touches everyone deeply.  I’m learning to recognize their struggle for what to say as a sign of their caring.

   Speaking of good friends at work.. I’ve been amazed at some of the cool tributes that some of my buddies at work have come up with. My friend Kerry., an IBM genius and a good welder has been talking to a few local sculptors about creating some sort of cool statue of Sam for our town. He’s organizing a group of welders and artists to brainstorm on the project.. let me know if you’re interested. Also, my  good buddy Jim in Poughkeepsie called me yesterday very excited with another really great idea.  A  college friend  of his has created a program for doing service jobs for poor rural communities in Nicaragua   (my grandfather and great grandfather lived in Nicaragua  for many years)  Jim is interested in organizing a group of 10-20 folks to go down as a team in early August  to do a project in Sam’s name.   I love the idea … if anyone is interested in learning ore about the idea.. please let me know..

   Well.. it’s going to be a another cold dark night.. I need to go stoke the fire. Stay warm everyone.. You too Sam.

-jc

ps. For the third (!)  day running, the lights in the IBM parking lot have blinked off over my car as I drove towards home.

Pss. Does anyone have a still picture of Sam doing the ‘Wonder Boy’ routine at Camp Abenaki last summer? It’s the one with him wearing a cape and sticking his stomach out. I need a copy because our friend Coco want to do a painting of it..   I have a video of the whole thing which I could capture a picture from.. but I don’t think I’m ready to watch the movie again yet..