Folks..
    Hannah and I were just talking in the blog comments about how it feels good to listen to sad music music sometimes. I was just listening to ‘Hear You Me’,  the Jimmy Eat World song that Brit and Sumner used in Sam’s slide show that I posted a few weeks ago. The words to it really remind me of Sam.  take a look
-jc

‘Hear You Me’.. by  Jimmy Eat World  (listen to it here ‘Hear you me’.)

   It’s early Saturday evening on a freakishly warm January day. They unseasonably warm weather has everyone wondering.. global warming or natural cycles  It’s honestly hard for me to care right now… We took advantage of the warm weather to take a hike with friend Kathy and Sophie up to the cliffs overlooking Wes White Hill. Even though we were in shirt sleeves we were sweating by half way up. We should have worn shorts. Just as we came to the top  there was a huge wave of rolling thunder and it started pouring.  I shouted Sam’s name from the top of the cliff as I did last time we were up there… though this time it was just a croak. I’ve just about lost my voice.. the last vestiges of the bug I’ve been fighting all week.  We walked back in the warm rain. It felt pretty good.

   The rest of the day was pretty quiet. We all seem to be in a reasonably peaceful spot. Our sadness for Sam is always there, but we’re able to function.. if not efficiently …  most of the time. All of us puttered about on our own projects through the day.  Several kids and adults filtered through the house through the day. I really like seeing how Sam’s friends still hang out here. Kevin’s band practiced here this afternoon. It’s always great hearing music coming from the barn. I just realized that I’ve been avoiding the upstairs of the barn since Sam died.. I’m just starting to go up there again. It’s so strange not seeing him on the drums when I do. Oh Sam….

     Last night Diane, Max and I went to see some student directed one-act plays  at the high school. Folks there seemed surprised to see us all out and about. The funny thing is that we need to be somewhere all the time.. so why not there ? The plays were a mix of funny and serious stuff and were all pretty good. I particularly like Jessie’s version of the Sienfeld  Soup Nazi episode and Annaliese’s improv routines. I did notice that Death was a central theme of three out of the six plays. I’ve been noticing just how much the abstract concept of death pervades our culture:  song lyrics, cd covers, band names, jokes, sitcom themes.  I know that it’s as common as being born… but let me tell you folks … death as a concept is overrated. Wherever we go now we run into people who’ve lost a loved one.. Almost everyone has.  Now folks now feel compelled to tell us about their loss.  I think seeing us so close to our loss of Sam invites people to relive their own loss a little. At first I didn’t like being the agent of others’ sadness. Now I realize that we’re just part of the long term mourning and healing process for their own loss that they and everyone must go through.  They will be us in a few years.. (is that a real sentence ?)

    On the same theme: About four friends have independently sent me variants of the Buddhist story of the Mustard seed. The story goes:   A beautiful young boy died. Heartbroken, his father takes the boys body to the Buddha and pleads for him to restore the boy to life. The Buddha says that he will gladly do that. All the father must do is bring him a mustard seed from a home that has not known death. The father is overjoyed… he runs through the town knocking on doors asking folks whether they have a mustard seed. Most do.. Unfortunately he also finds that everyone of these houses has known death.  The father learns the hard lesson that everyone suffers. Do any of you have a mustard seed ? Have any of you been spared the death of a loved one. ?. Maybe the offer still stands ! 

    I just realized that I have not cried at all today. I think it’s time I did.. This ones for you Sam…

-jc

 

 

I can’t believe it… but I’m still sick. I usually blow through these kind of bugs in a day or two, but I think my resistance is down.  I’m taking some sort of over the counter cold meds and it’s got me so zoned out that I can hardly think. I’m sitting here at 4PM trying to recall what if anything I accomplished today. I had several work calls, but I’m hard pressed to remember a single factoid from any of them. One interesting think to note, I have cried less today (so far )than any day since Sam died. I attribute that to being in a drug and disease induced walking coma.  Again, the anesthetic value of being zoned out is a ‘nice’ side benefit of being sick..  OK.. I guess there are limits to looking for gifts in bad luck.
   As I’ve been sitting here writing two friends have come by bringing food First  friend Deb with her killer macaroni and cheese… (I mean this stuff is so good there’s a black market for it. ) Then friend Sue with matzo ball soup and chocolate !..  Both had been reading this blog and told me they felt sorry for me that I was sick. It’s so very strange when someone tells me that they’re reading what I write here.  Writing  this is  such a powerful way to work through some of the things that my family and I are facing around Sam’s death. I hope it isn’t  taken as whining… I.e. I’m so sad.. I’m so sick, etc.   Whatever… I really appreciate the food and the company this evening.
     One of the other projects for today was to help Max figure out what he’s going to do next semester. The plan always has been for him to return to Pratt in Brooklyn for Spring semester to finish off  the coursework he missed after Sam died.  As the Jan 15 start date for Spring at Pratt got closer, none of us felt really comfortable with  the idea of Max going back down to NY by himself. All of us still have daily breakdowns where we need each other for comfort.. Even at our best emotional times we’re working at diminished intellectual capacity due to the ‘fog of grief” … which is the way one of the books put it. Over the last few days we’ve been trying to figure out options that  would allow Max to keep making progress in college.. and also allow him time to heal. Today he decided (and we agreed) that he’s going to take his spring semester here in VT then return to Pratt in the Fall. While he’s here he’s going to take 2 classes at Champlain College and finish off his incomplete work from Pratt,.  He’ll then transfer this course work to Pratt when he goes back in the Fall. We’ll make it work for him to get to Pratt 3-4 times to see friends and use their editing, darkrooms, etc that he’ll need to make up his incompletes.. The Deans at Pratt (Student Affairs and Liberal Studies) and the folks at Champlain have been amazingly helpful and accommodating as Max tries to  figure out a plan that would work.   I’m really happy that Max has decided on this ‘take it slow’ path… I’ve heard several  stories form other grief survivors who jumped back into their lives too quickly.. and paid for it later. I don’t think he’ll ever regret taking this extra time to heal… I hope..
It’s so tough being a parent under ay circumstances. Under our current circumstances it’s even harder. …  I just want my kids to be happy .. All three of them.
    Which reminds me.. Both food bringing friends tonight had interesting Sam-ish stories to tell. Sam’s  friend Sawyer came by with his macaroni toting Mom this evening.. He told me that a few days ago they were driving towards Bolton on the freeway in the afternoon.. It was still somewhat light.. All of a sudden he saw an intense white light hovering over Bolton. The light didn’t appear to come from anywhere A few seconds later it was gone… Our friend Sue told us that tat she saw a green and purple light enveloping the left half of the moon during the fireworks at Bolton on New Years Eve. It was the same purple and green light that she’d seen wafting out of the left side of an air vent at the gym a few weeks back. As she saw it she was thinking about Sam…and she’s a skeptic she says.   weird but true.
   Well.. One more night and I think I will have cracked this bug. I plan on feeling better tomorrow…   Actually .. That’s like saying I plan on being happy tomorrow. We’ll see. G’nite Sam… bummer about the rain
-jc

Still sick.. Fever.. Sore throat.. Thick head.. That on top of the general fog  that we all live in since Sam’s death .. and my  built-in  spaciness.has me running at about  10 %. .of normal consciousness.  Being so zoned out has a helpful anesthetic aspect. .. unless  of I have something that must get done. … like work I spent the day in telephone calls trying to catch up with everything that’s been happening at IBM in the past 6 weeks. Whatever I do, I find myself only absorbing about half of what I hear. I hope it’s just because I’m feeling sick.
   In the middle of my work day I finally started going through the many emails I received in response to  Sam’s death. It was so nice.. And so, so hard reading all of the heartfelt sadness and good wishes from my work and other email friends .There were hundreds of notes.. Some were 1-2 lines.. Others were pages. By the time I got to the end of the list I was basically lying in a heap on the counter. So much love.. So much sadness.   While looking through the mail, I also found some of my speaking notes from  Sam’s celebration. I am getting the feeling that I’m not doing enough to make good on the promise I made myself up on stage at Memorial that night.. I wrote that day ” I’m going to choose every day to honor Sam’s memory. To move forward, not backward. To do something good for the world. I’m going to try to take his (Sam’s) passion into my own life and become a better person for it”  Today I feel more like I’m being swept along and not getting to chose anything. I feel like I need to find a place to stand solidly before  I can start moving forward…  and I’ve yet to find/build that solid place.  I’m going to make some  time to meditate on that over the next few days/
     Right now I’m going to crawl into bed with a hot cup of tea.. Sorry for such a short post this evening. I’ll pad it by including a beautiful poem that our good friend Avery wrote about Sam…  This is for you Sam.
-jc

PS. I jacked up the font size on the blog so I can write without glasses. Hope that’s OK for everyone