Outside matches my inside this morning…. grey and drizzly. I lay in bed for an hour this morning talking to Sam in my head, sending him love. I’m afrraid to ask him questions because I know I will not  hear a direct answer. I’ve never given much thought to the specifics of ‘what happens when you die’ before this. My own metaphysics have always been pretty vaque on the subject.. but I find I myself thinking all the time about where Sam ‘is’ now… I know for certain he’s not on some cloud somewhere wearing wings and strumming a harp… (do they even make electric harps ? ) … but I find it equally hard to accept that such a great, storng and joyful spirit would just ‘stop being’ even though that’s the simpilist.. but unsatisfying… explainiation that my science training gives me. My own religion (judiasm) teaches that you live on in the hearts of minds of those you touched and in the acts of charity you perfromed. In thta definition, Sam truly lives on…    But this idea of afterlife by proxy just doesnt’ do it for me. I know it sounds like  something you’d read in some New Age book, but my heart tells me that Sam’s spirit is now part of a much bigger conciousness that is made up of all the living energy in the unverse.. just like our own conciousnesses.   I’m also trying to make sense of all the wild coincidences that we and our friends are experienceing  around Sam’s  death… all of the electrcal oddities.. the red bull  stuff. Sometimes I think it’s  simply our hearts and minds not being able to let go of Sam.. ..Other times  it  makes me sure that its showing us that there IS something bigger out there. these cooincidences are glimpses into the bigger structure of things. It sure feels to me  like  it’s Sam exploring his new powers and his new limitations… All I know is that we all feel Sam’s spirit so strongly now.  … and whether that’s now a piece of us… or it’s an echo of somehting bigger  is a question we will never really have to answer.. or get to answer.  
     OK.. I need to switch back from the astral pane back to this one for a moment..   Last night we went to a really great pot-luck at the Kenny’s we had about 20 folks up there painitng Sam snowboard Xmas ornaments that we’re selling for the Sam Fund. As we pointed several folks talked to me about the stuff I’ve been writing in this blog.  I want you to know that writing this blog is turning out to be a *very* important way for me to begin my healing..    At this point there are between 400 and 600 folks reading it every day now which is sort of scary to me.  I was thinking about it last night..  the whole MySpace-like peer network and the whole idea of public blogs is such an amazing way for folks to work through big issues like Sam’s death  I don’t think there’s ever been a way for so many people to come together and share memories, feelings. and ideas. I want you all to know just how much I appreciate your comments on the stuff I write here in the blog.. the comments and messages  to my MySpace and even more for the comments  and messages you put on Sam’s MySpace. I think he  still reads them somehow. I have hacked Sam’s password.. (bwa-ha-ha) so that I can accept new friend requests for him, but we promise we will never read the private messages you all send him…. so keep those cards and letters coming.
    Today will be a good healing day.. we have a meeting with our councilor this morning and a meeting with our wonerful friend Barb Puritan later this afternoon.. then dinner at the Holts… The world is really trying to take care of us. We’re also going to try and get a christmas tree today and see how that feels .. more on that tomorrow.   Talk to you then.. Sam.. work on that snow !!!
-jc

   Sorry for the late posting. It’s been a lazy morning after a late and busy night.  Diane and I spent the early part of the day sitting in Sam’s room trying to write a single paragraph ‘thank you’ to our community for the next issue of the Richmond/Huntintong Time’s Ink. (As I was writing, our dog Chai came in and sniffed around Sam’s room  and layed down sadly on his  bed.. She knows…)   It was so hard to try and boil down into words our enormous gratitude for the love and support we’ve received from the community over the past several weeks. We wish we could do something more than words… 
      Speaking of love and support.. The benefit for Sam at Talent Skate Park last night was absolutely amazing. Our friends Hannah, Dave and Adah Deene donated all the proceeds of the 3 hour skate to Sam’s Memorial fund.If you don’t know Hannah, Dave or Adah.. drop by Talent and say hi. They are like part cool older brother/sister, and part guidance councilor to so many kids in the area. The event was great.. there were about 120 sweaty kids hitting the ramps on a variety of wheeled objects.  Lots of loud music.. Sam would have loved it..definitely his kind of celebration.
The  good folks from Red Bull donated 12 cases (!) of the sacred elixer and the  nice folks at Vermont Sandwich Comanpay donated 4 huge subs so there was plenty to eat and drink for everyone..  To add to the festivities Hannah brought Latkes.. the traditional potatoe pankakes of Chanuckah… We did a small candle lighting to mark the first day of Chanukah.. that was the only time in the evening that I lost it. By the end of the evening Hannah and Dave had raised  $1200 for Sam’s fund !!!!!  Thanks so much to the kids who skated for Sam.. and the parents who watched…  Thanks ultra much to the good folks at Talent for making it happen ! Our good friend Jen was also there last night selling Sam snowboard tree ornaments that she had made for a donation to the fund… if you didn’t get one.. but want one.. please let me know. I also got asked about more Sam shirts and buttons. I will try to find some and post the info on my blog. Please watch this space.
    One small coincidence to relate before closing…. My mother-in-law Marcia called while I was writign this blog entry.. she told me that she’d just run into a guy in a parking lot down in Binghamton NY who’d seen the  ‘I Love Vermont’ sticker on her car. Turns out the guy has been to VT and really loves Bolton. Somewhere in the conversation he also told her he’d visited this great sandwich shop in South Burlington: Vermont Sandwich Company..   must be good kharma !
    Gotta run now.. pray for snow..pray for Sam..
-jc

Back but not normal…..     

Max and I got back around 1AM last night from our drive down to NYC. We came back to a sleeping house. There was no fire burning in the stove and no wood in the house.. so I grabbed an armload and tried to light a fire.  I spent aboot an hour cleaning the house  and waiting for the wood stove to come up to temperature so I could close it down for the night. At about 2 AM I went to shut down the wood stove before goign upstairs to bed. The fire hadn’t caught. Not sure why, but that was it.. I just lost it.  It was more than just being frustrated that the mindless task of lighting the night’s fire had backfired.. This like evrything had become a metaphor for our loss:  A strong fire that bruned out before it’s time..?  my innability to keep it burning.. ? The struggle of moving on with our lives ? A bigger battle with fate and nature ? It was getting bigger and bigger in my mind. As I was there crying in the middle of the night with my wet wood and stupid box of matches.. I felt Sam’s presense. in my mind.. I heard him laugh and say  ‘Gyaaaah Dad.. get a grip…. it’s just a #@*%-ing fire.. ‘ .At that point… I started laughing instead… Sam’s colorful speech survives him.
   It’s true though that everything around here is different… Some of it obvious: Sam’s empty room… some of it subtle: just lookign for a dishtowel becomes a treasure hunt thanks to the creative cleaning and stowing of so many helpful strangers. Same thing happened while searching for tools the other day. I relaized the only person who knows where my vice-grips are is now too busy planning the snow that Bolton will recive this winter.. or sabotoging street lights across the globe to tell me where he left them.
   We are carefully trying to manage the line between different and same…  between now and before. We need to keep Sam present in our life… so his stuff is everywhere… on the other hand.. we need one of the tables that’s holding his pictures.. what do we do ? The kids want to do Xmas here at the house… OK.. but that means christmas shopping. Walking around brightly
lit stores, Bing Crosby Carols., ‘happy holidays ?!’ .Can we really do that ? Can we really NOT do that …?! As I’ve said.. every minute presents a choice for us to retreat and forget.. or to move forward and through. We’re still opting for forward and through. This weekend we’ll be goign out into the world to face the holiday cheer…We’ll do our best to bring a little of it into our world…   I think it’s all a matter of acknowledging difference in our lives even if we’re not ready to accept it.  This holiday more than any other I know about the need to love  our neighbors.. the need for peace on earth…the need to count your blessings. I’m hoping that everyone connected with Sam brings more of that spirit into their hearts this season.  I think I’m goign to go drink a glass of eggnog in Sam’s  memory right now. I hate the stuff.. but he liked it. That’s love for you…
-jc

ps. Tonight is the first night of Chanukah… Hag Sameach   Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha’olam asher kidishanu b’mitz’votav v’tzivanu l’had’lik neir shel Chanukah. Bless you Sam my shining light

I woke today rested and happy…and thinking of Sam. I was able to get a good night sleep in this creaky old guest dorm despite the party that was going on down stairs. I stayed up way too late trying to hack the header of my blog to include links to Sam’s MySpace and the address of his Memorial Fund.Several folks had asked me for both.   I finanly turned off the lights just before 2AM..As soon as I hit the bed the grieving work I hadn’t done for the day was waiting for me..The only analogy I can find for what it’s like is, I’m sorry to say, getting sick to your stomach: you know it’s going to happen. it’s no fun.. it feels nasty .. but once you’re done wiht it you feel so much better.. I cried for about 30 minutes in this strang dark little room.. then as often happenes… I got a vision of smiling Sam… grew calm and felll asleep. I think this is the first night I’ve slept through the night in three weeks.
    Last night I hung out with Max and some of his school freinds until about 1. They’re a great group of kids … I think they will be a great support nase for Max when he’s back here this semeseter. His roommate painted an awsome picture for him.. it’s got a sillohette of a Sam-like kid on a mountain… very. very cool.  Walking into Max’s dormroom for the first time was hard for both of us.. that’s where we was when he heard about Sam’s accident. It seemse like every object, person or event has an association to Sam…. seeing it triggers that spark of sadness… but also disarms it for the future. It’s like any new situation is strewn with land mines . You can try to tip toe around them each time.. or you can set them off on purpose to make the same situation safe the next time. Option B seems to be more reliable for me. …
    I talked to Diane and Gabel last night. They went to the Battle of the Bands contest up at MMU. Our own Skanky Green won the contest and decided to donate their vast winnings ($200 ?)  to Sam’s Memorial fund.  That is so very cool. Both Diane and Gabe liked being back in Sam’s friends’ music… we really want to keep that connection going.
    I gotta go wake up Max and get us going on the Pratt stuff.. Thanks again to all the folks who are commenting or messaging. me about this blog. It’s been such a great way to reconnect with folks I’ve  lost track of..  You know another great thing about hearing from folks is how often we hear and feel the words ‘i love you’. I’m getting big, cranky guys from work telling me they ‘love’ us.. … and we love them ! Not really a typical guy thing.. but how cool is that !? I wish it didsn’t take a tradgedy like losing Sam to lower the barriers we have ahout expressing how we feel..   I’m trying to take that lesson further and tell folks how I feel about them more often.. You can try it too: try telling someone you never told that you love them (or like them alot….  or tolerate them ok) … It’ll be an interesting experiment… let me know how it goes.   Gotta go wake Max.. peace out. We love you Sam !
-jc