Diane and I woke up to a completely quiet house for the first time.Gabe spent the night at friends in Bolton. Max is in Burlington staying at friends… my folks left yesterday. All bedrooms, sofas and floors are empty… It was both peaceful and sad.    I was pretty broken up last night as I tried to fall asleep… around 12 Sam came to me in a vision (I can’t think of a better word)  I felt him so strongly.. it calmed me down and I fell asleep instantly.  Diane and I were both awake from about 5 on… just lying there quietly. We got up around 7:30 and  took our walk early because Diane’s Mom’s group is coming to pick her up around 9 for their monthly get together.  We do a loop through the neighbors woods that we’ve walked for years… we can think back to all the times we walked that trail so happy and in love with life… it”s a bittersweet memory now.. we can still find comfort in the life we once had.  We’re just in a different.. no-Sam universe now.  It was beautiful out there this morning.. we have about 4-5″ of new snow (thanks Sam  !).. We walked up to a rock in the neighbors meadow that we can see our house from.. we can see Sam’s bedroom window from there. It’s a good place… Our walks are half meditation and half strategy session… up to the rock, we think queitly and cry.. somewhere after the rock we start plannign the day…. Today we talked about how it seems to be getting harder rather than easier with each passing day. Most things you try to work through seem to get easier with time.. but Sam’s death is becoming more real to all of our family with each passing day.. there are fewer people around to distract us… there are more reminders that Sam’s really gone. There’s always a wierd association game going in my head which connects every object, situation or memory to my son…. It makes me realize how intertwined all of our lives are.  a friend told us you don’t just grieve with your heart and mind.. every cell in your body has to grieve.. it really feels like that.
  I gotta run now. Sorry for the short post this morning. I’ve been invited to go to the mothers group with Diane.. I learned in grad school never to turn down an offer of free help or free food.. and I think this meeting has both.
… which reminds me… so many folks have said  or written to us ‘if there’s anything I can do…’… or ‘ … you know my number….’  I can tell you now that as heartfelt as that sentiment is.. it’s not very helpful. We’re finding it so much more helpful when soemone calls us and  suggests soemthing specific .. like coming by.. or dragging us out of the house… or going shopping…   If you can’t do that, please  do like we said in Sam’s obit and  do somethigng good for a total stranger today.. Kharma will get the books to balance…   
I love you all…. go play in Sam’s snow…
-jc

ps.. I got two more Sam stories…
– Becca commented to tell me that the light bulb that blew out in her room day before yesterday didn’t just blow out.. it sparked and changed colors thne blew out.
– Jake told us that it snowed in Florida the day Sam died.. first time since 1917… go figure

“Words cannot express….” … Diane and I have seen that phrase hundreds of times in the cards we’ve been opening over the last two days…  It’s true that words can’t describe what it’s like for us losing Sam. But beleive it or not.. hearing that folks don’t know what to say is exactly what we need to hear.. It’s so much better to hear that someone can’t put into words or doesn’t understandwhat we’re going through  than to hear ‘he’s in a better place now’… or ‘you’ll get over this in time…’ .. or ‘my aunt’s neighbor’s once… etc. ‘…   or ‘ I can’t imagine what you’re going through’.. we don’t want anyone to imagine that… believe me. Words cannot express what it’s like loosing a child… but words cannot also express how wonderful it is for us to have folks in our community like the Kenny’s.. or Bond/Bouries, or Paulsens.. or Martins.. that have dropped out of their lives to help us heal ours.. words cannot express the feeling of always coming dwon to a full refrigerator packed with food folks have made with love. Words cannot express the mix of sadness and happiness that we get when we read the posts on Sam’s MySpace from all the friends who miss him.. or the feeling we get when 100 people trek up a mountinat to see us scatter Sam’s ashes.  Words can’t express how beautifull and painful each minute has been since Sam died… or for how fundamentally our experience of the world has changed: no rush… no relief… just beauty and saddness everywhere. There are no good words for that at all….  There aren’t really good words to describe the feeling of crying while you brush your teeth.. or laughing when you get your son’s ashes in your eyes and mouth. So thank you all for not having the right words to say.. because there aren’t any.
     OK… so that’s my spacey rant for the morning… on the more newsy front.. we keep trucking here. Yesterday was harder than the day before in some ways and easier than others. With fewer folks in the house we spend more time crying together or by oursleves. My folks are still in town which is really a great comfort. We are trying to find ways to keep busy.. since the time weighs a ton. Yesterday a bunch of Sam’s and our friends cam around late afternoon.. it was wonderful to have laughter in the house again. I’m begininning to see how hard this winter might be if we don’t get folks in here or get us ot in the world. Several dear friends called us yesterday to check on us .. I’m so overwhelmed by the love that’s coming to us by hone and in person. Last night Max went out and brought back pizza and subs for everyone who was in the house.. that was pretty festive.. there were still folks around when I fell asleep on the couch at 11… Diane and I both woke around 4 and couldn’t go back to sleep.. it’s hard laying there.. but the memories of Sam are now more mixed for me.. not all sad. Today we have very little planned.. we need to hit the bank and a bookstore.. I also need to clean the garage and get the storm windows up. Those chores which I used to hate are now a blessing to me. I also had a dream about a sculpture I’m goign to weld today if I can find the scraps…
    Oh.. there have been a whole bunch of Sam-coincidences reported to us over the last couple of days.. I’m not keeping a list.. I probably should.. Here are some:
– Sam’s myspace password somehow re-appeared in the saved passwords of one of our computures after being gone for 2 weeks. That allowed me to go in and accept about 94 frriend requests for him (don’t worry.. I’m not reading his mail or changing anything else)
– Friend Rusty reported the he was jamming with a friend at MMU yesterday when something hit one of the big crash symbols right in time with the music.. The whole class turned to see.. but no one was at the drums…
– I was sitting on the couch crying yesterday while a few folks were elsewhere in the house. a few feet away from me the door to my old lab swung open forcefully… made me laugh
– Friend Becca tried to replace a light bulb that had blown out when Sam died (I think). she put in a fresh bulb and it burned out before she could leave the room
– Friend Kasey was playing Stairway to Heaven on his electric guitar.. Something kept turning down his guitar. (Sounds like he’s tellign you to keep practising Kase 🙂
– Friend Marshall was driving in the middle of nowwhere on the backroads of Central Vermont looking at the mountains and thinking about Sam. As he was staring at the mountains.. along came the Red Bull truck out of nowhere.

Got others.? Let us know…..
Gotta start the day.. peace out all… We love you Sam.
-jc

Every day is full of ‘firsts’.  Today was the first day since Sam’s death that I did not wake up crying. In fact… I didn’t lose it until I dropped Gabe off at school. It was sort of the same for Diane. It’s a funny feeling… not crying. I don’t want to begin forgetting Sam at all.. I do want to find a little peace… and maybe this is what it will be like…  Other firsts….. this is the first day I woke without a plan to get me through the morning.   this is the first day I’ve had sushi for breakfast.. … leftovers from another of Jen Kenney’s kindness drop-offs last night. There is no ‘normal’ anymore in schedule, diet…. conversation.
    Yesterday was a full and hard day… my folks (judy and hugh) decided to stay a few extra days… which is a blessing. They slept in while Diane and I took a long walk with Jen… We feel Sam outdoors.. so being out there helps us.. We came back to find that our old housmate Cathy Cover Willson had dropped by. Cathy lived in our hous in the mid 80’s when we still had a commune of sorts going here. She just lost her husband Tim on Nov 17 after a years battle with brain cancer. Tim’s memorial was in the Monitor Barn the day after the beneifit concert for Sam. Cathy Diane and I talked for an hour or so about how we feel we’ve all just joined some sort of secret club for thoe who have lost loved ones. It was really nice talking to Cathy about some of the stuff you just can’t talk about with everyone (‘what utensils do YOU use to scoop up someone’s ashes ?’) Diane and I then spent a good portion of the day starting to open the boxes of cards and letters that folks have sent us. Now that’s a wierd deal… some are from folks you don’t know…… but are still heartfelt…  some are from folks you don’t know and are automatic. The nicest and hardes to read are from good friends.. many don’t know what to write.. (who does ?)  otheres have good stories of Sam… those help. Some have chacks for Sam’s fund (thanks !)  As I read I picture the person who wrote it.. and try to feel their heart beating. just like when you hug them…   So many of my firends from work have written from around the world.. So many religions and traditions. I realize we have so many gods and goddesses working for us now that we’re bound to be OK.
    Other first yesterday… I started the proccess of offiially telling the world that Sam is gone… I called the bank, the insurance guy., IBM.. There was a nice story. I called the IBM benefits hotline to get soe ehelp as to where to start. The woman who answeed.. ‘Tanya’   started off in auto-pilot …after telling her about Sam’s death.. she started into a script ‘On behalf of IBM we are sorry for your loss…’  and started to list off the official steps. She got about 2 sentences in then broke down…. she said.. ‘I do this all the time…’.. but I never had to talk about someone’s child.’ Turns out she’s a single mom. and a foster mom and deeply spiritual.. we talked about kids, life, creation and organ donation for about 30 minutes. She went home to hug those kids hard..At the end of the call.. she flipped back into autopilot and jumped back to the script…’in 7 – 14 days you’ll receive a packet in the mail with the docmentents you need to file. Once agian.. IBM sends it’s condolances’… then we both laughed !   .. Sam’s story seems to lower barriers tfor everyone.
     Last night Max and I went with friends to hear our favorite bassist  Victor Wootan play at higher ground. It was hard leaving here to go out. Max and I were stressing about a trip we’d planned to make today down to Pratt to see about how he can finish the semester.. I put too much pressure on him about doing it this week.. Diane helped me realize that I wasn’t ready to go back to my work.. why should Max be ready to go back to his.. Neither of us can imagine gettign back to routine..  We left the house kinda mad at each other.. we drove for about 3 minutes then both broke down… I had to pull over we were both crying so hard.. We missed Sam so much. We just sat there holding each other..Walking in to Higher Ground was tough, too.. Sam, Gabe Diane and I had gone to a State Radio concert there about a week before Sam died…. The music last night was wonderful and healing as live music always is to me. I could swear I saw Sam dancing near the stage,….
    I ran into several friends at the show.. kids and adults.. everyone was giving Max and me love and suport. We feel so much love everywhere we go now.  Yesterday I talked about the ‘Zen’ of our mourning.. and how in the moment we all feel now..  It was like that last night.. I realize how preseant and focused I was before  everytime I talked with someone. or as I listend to the music. I don’t think I realizied how distracted and preoccupied I was when talkign to people before this. Sam was like that..when you spoke to him.. he was just listening to you… I guess I’m picking that upfrom him.. it’s beautifull.  Everything is special now.  Well.. time to strart this new day… love to you all…

-jc
ps. Sam..please send more snow

Early, early morning. Diane and I started the day’s as we’ve been doing.. Lying in bed struggling to make sense of the day. The mornings are the hardest part of the day.. Sam’s death comes back to us fresh. I just want to hold him one more time…. We lay there and make a plan for the day…: what will we do first, what next, etc… This morning we got up to get Gabe off to school… turns out he’s too beat to get up.. so we do the normal stuff, start the fire, get the paper, drink our tea… try to usher in a normal day…   It’s  very hard right now.
   Yesterday was our first day after the big celibrations. My parents decided to spend a few more days with us before going back.. which is a big help and comfort. They want to help so badly.. Yesterday they cleaned the house so it looks morelike our home and less like some sort of resturant. The 1000+ people who have vistied  over the past 2 weeks (yes.. it’s been 2 weeks now !)… have brought so much food and drink that we can eat for the next month. They also used enough water to overfill  our spetic system . THat was the ccause of the 2″ of sewage in the basement. Hard as it may be to explain.. I took great comfort in cleaning up that mess last night. Manual labor helps us clear our minds..
    Speaking of clearing our minds…. I made an interesting observation about myself yesterday.. I realize that I can’t ever remember myself being as stress free or as ‘in the moment’ as I am right now. The jolt of Sam’s death has made us so present of the ‘now’.. Dwelling in the past.. or worrying about the future are too paibnful to do…. so we stay here… it’s very Zen.. and beautiful in a strange and painful way.
     Tomorrow Max and I are goign to try and drive down to his college (Pratt in Brooklyn) and see what he needs to do about finishing the semsester. Folks will be here with Diane.. it’s hard to think of leaving. … but I’m looking forward to the time with Max…
    Oh./… stories of Sam signs keep flowing into us… our nephews’ internet was down for a week and spontaneously came back up last night… another tree falling in the forest near a friend. Several folks have posted stories about blinking or flickering lights….  and then… there’s this beautiful snow.. thank you Sam… I seee you’re trying to figure out your new powers and limitations…
     OK.. now I’ll start today….
-jc

ps. If you’re reading this…. can you let me know ? I am not sure if I’m writing for myself.. or  others… Thanks !