Back but not normal…..     

Max and I got back around 1AM last night from our drive down to NYC. We came back to a sleeping house. There was no fire burning in the stove and no wood in the house.. so I grabbed an armload and tried to light a fire.  I spent aboot an hour cleaning the house  and waiting for the wood stove to come up to temperature so I could close it down for the night. At about 2 AM I went to shut down the wood stove before goign upstairs to bed. The fire hadn’t caught. Not sure why, but that was it.. I just lost it.  It was more than just being frustrated that the mindless task of lighting the night’s fire had backfired.. This like evrything had become a metaphor for our loss:  A strong fire that bruned out before it’s time..?  my innability to keep it burning.. ? The struggle of moving on with our lives ? A bigger battle with fate and nature ? It was getting bigger and bigger in my mind. As I was there crying in the middle of the night with my wet wood and stupid box of matches.. I felt Sam’s presense. in my mind.. I heard him laugh and say  ‘Gyaaaah Dad.. get a grip…. it’s just a #@*%-ing fire.. ‘ .At that point… I started laughing instead… Sam’s colorful speech survives him.
   It’s true though that everything around here is different… Some of it obvious: Sam’s empty room… some of it subtle: just lookign for a dishtowel becomes a treasure hunt thanks to the creative cleaning and stowing of so many helpful strangers. Same thing happened while searching for tools the other day. I relaized the only person who knows where my vice-grips are is now too busy planning the snow that Bolton will recive this winter.. or sabotoging street lights across the globe to tell me where he left them.
   We are carefully trying to manage the line between different and same…  between now and before. We need to keep Sam present in our life… so his stuff is everywhere… on the other hand.. we need one of the tables that’s holding his pictures.. what do we do ? The kids want to do Xmas here at the house… OK.. but that means christmas shopping. Walking around brightly
lit stores, Bing Crosby Carols., ‘happy holidays ?!’ .Can we really do that ? Can we really NOT do that …?! As I’ve said.. every minute presents a choice for us to retreat and forget.. or to move forward and through. We’re still opting for forward and through. This weekend we’ll be goign out into the world to face the holiday cheer…We’ll do our best to bring a little of it into our world…   I think it’s all a matter of acknowledging difference in our lives even if we’re not ready to accept it.  This holiday more than any other I know about the need to love  our neighbors.. the need for peace on earth…the need to count your blessings. I’m hoping that everyone connected with Sam brings more of that spirit into their hearts this season.  I think I’m goign to go drink a glass of eggnog in Sam’s  memory right now. I hate the stuff.. but he liked it. That’s love for you…
-jc

ps. Tonight is the first night of Chanukah… Hag Sameach   Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha’olam asher kidishanu b’mitz’votav v’tzivanu l’had’lik neir shel Chanukah. Bless you Sam my shining light

I woke today rested and happy…and thinking of Sam. I was able to get a good night sleep in this creaky old guest dorm despite the party that was going on down stairs. I stayed up way too late trying to hack the header of my blog to include links to Sam’s MySpace and the address of his Memorial Fund.Several folks had asked me for both.   I finanly turned off the lights just before 2AM..As soon as I hit the bed the grieving work I hadn’t done for the day was waiting for me..The only analogy I can find for what it’s like is, I’m sorry to say, getting sick to your stomach: you know it’s going to happen. it’s no fun.. it feels nasty .. but once you’re done wiht it you feel so much better.. I cried for about 30 minutes in this strang dark little room.. then as often happenes… I got a vision of smiling Sam… grew calm and felll asleep. I think this is the first night I’ve slept through the night in three weeks.
    Last night I hung out with Max and some of his school freinds until about 1. They’re a great group of kids … I think they will be a great support nase for Max when he’s back here this semeseter. His roommate painted an awsome picture for him.. it’s got a sillohette of a Sam-like kid on a mountain… very. very cool.  Walking into Max’s dormroom for the first time was hard for both of us.. that’s where we was when he heard about Sam’s accident. It seemse like every object, person or event has an association to Sam…. seeing it triggers that spark of sadness… but also disarms it for the future. It’s like any new situation is strewn with land mines . You can try to tip toe around them each time.. or you can set them off on purpose to make the same situation safe the next time. Option B seems to be more reliable for me. …
    I talked to Diane and Gabel last night. They went to the Battle of the Bands contest up at MMU. Our own Skanky Green won the contest and decided to donate their vast winnings ($200 ?)  to Sam’s Memorial fund.  That is so very cool. Both Diane and Gabe liked being back in Sam’s friends’ music… we really want to keep that connection going.
    I gotta go wake up Max and get us going on the Pratt stuff.. Thanks again to all the folks who are commenting or messaging. me about this blog. It’s been such a great way to reconnect with folks I’ve  lost track of..  You know another great thing about hearing from folks is how often we hear and feel the words ‘i love you’. I’m getting big, cranky guys from work telling me they ‘love’ us.. … and we love them ! Not really a typical guy thing.. but how cool is that !? I wish it didsn’t take a tradgedy like losing Sam to lower the barriers we have ahout expressing how we feel..   I’m trying to take that lesson further and tell folks how I feel about them more often.. You can try it too: try telling someone you never told that you love them (or like them alot….  or tolerate them ok) … It’ll be an interesting experiment… let me know how it goes.   Gotta go wake Max.. peace out. We love you Sam !
-jc

    Folks…   I forgot to mention it earlier. Our friends Hannah and Dave at Talent Skate Park are throwing a skateboard beneifit for Sam on Friday night. (6-9PM ?)  and  donating the proceeds to Sam’s fund… Is that cool or what ?!
I’ll post the real details as soon as I know ’em. Look for a broadcast from Hannah/Talent too.. Thanks !!!!!
-me

I woke up to a beautiful day. Diane and Chai were already out walking with friend Jane and her dogs. Max is in Burlignton with friends and Gabe is still asleep. Gabe decided yesterday that he wasn’t up to being back in school. The change in our morning ritual… eating by himself at the counter.. no Sam to make us late for school… really hit him hard. He told us that he’s OK as long as he’s busy.. but gets sad everytime he has to sit quietly. He wants to take things a little more slowly for a while.. It was the first time I’d seen him really cry since Florida. In some hard way it was good to see him working through Sam really being gone. We are getting to know the meaning of the strange expression “good grief” . We recognize that each of us has a certain amount of sorrow to work through each day.. .. and we must attend to it. The work is pretty simple..our bodies know what to do… and  meter out just enough for us to bear. Generally we walk into Sam’s room and just ‘be’ with his stuff. Sometimes we start goign through the cards and letters we still have to open.. sometimes we read.. sometimes we just sit and cry. It hurts like hell.. but then we feel better and we can go on with our day.  If we don’t make the time to grieve each day we pay for it. We find that keeping busy keeps our loss just out of mind enough for us to function.. but putting it off too long in a day just means it takes over. For example: I spent a good part of yesterday working on a project for Sam. Sam’s friend Jon brought over a Christmas wreath in the shape of a guitar… I spent a few hours welding a statue of a guitar player to hold the wreath outside. I took the form for the sculpture from a picture of Sam at Rock Camp. . In my drive to get the thing finsihed, I forgot to do my grieving for the day.. the crying caught up with me while I was welding… That was a first… Once I forgot to snap my mask down before striking an arc. Sunday I found myself crying hard while installing storm windows… The day before it was while cleaning my lab which was still covered with all the pyrotechnics that we used to launch some of Sam’s ashes. I rellize that in my distracted state I’d left a very dangerous mess   Before that it was while driving and I had to pull over. Today I’ll make time to sit quietly and think about Sam. … it’s safer.
   I’m beginning to hear that we’re not the only ones still thinking of Sam every day. I’ve been getting mail from folks who are reading this blog about how they are integrating  our families tragedy and healing into their own lives.Though it’s bittersweet… we love hearing folks tell us that they are spending more time together as a family because of Sam’s death. I love hearing that some  of my work friends are taking a step back and locking at how crazy hectic their lives have become.    I also really love getting myspace mail  from Sam’s frineds about how they’re pulling some of Sam’s love of life into them… None of this changes the fact that Sam is gone.. but we get the feeling that his spirit is getting passed on and we really, really love that.
   Well…. It’s late now.. I’ve got work (chores and grieving) to do. so that’s all for now. .. We love you Sam…
-jc