My beautiful son Sam died three weeks ago today. I now both know it and believe it. Our councilor has told us about the many stages of grieveing that we’re likely to visit…denial, anger, bargaining.. depression and acceptance. It’s a useful framwork.. but.. as she explains.. everyone takes their own path through a loss like Sam’s death.. You don’t take these stages in sequence..  you just don’t want to end up ‘stuck’ in any one of them for too long.  I’ve been visiting a little of each, each day. I even spend a little time in accceptance each day which gives me a small glimpse of what life might be like down the road. The one I have not really been able to try on was anger.   I woke at 4 this morning both angry and sad. Why Sam ?  This wasn’t in the plan. I pictured his future so clearly…. How can this be ? Why didn’t I call him at that exact minute he chose to cross the street ? I’ve had a shield up that has protected me from thinking about the circumstances around Sam’s death. When people spoke of it.. I had to shut down or walk away. Instead of anger I felt only sadness.. and somehow through that… responsibility. I’m now starting to come to grips witht he fact that Sam or the rest of us didn’t ‘do’ anything to deserve his death. I know this sounds strange. but this is progress for me..  This healing process is going to be the hardest work I or my family has ever done.. we need to acknowledge every step.
    This three weeks has been so very hard.. but not without it’s gifts. Diane and I took a great hike to the Richmond cliffs yesterday with  friends Maureen, Arianna, Gary, Amy, Skyler, Orin and a whole pack of dogs. As we walked back we were talking about the painful perspective Sam’s death has given us about the preciousness (is that a word ?) of life. I would not wish the full lesson on anyone… .. but…  if people could get even the slightest sense of what we are feeling right now.. there would be no more war..no more oppression, no more violence.  Once you’ve felt this type of loss, you cannot imagine how one person can cause pain of any kind to another. I know that’s not realistic.. people have been fighting and dying forever. .. But
I’d love to think that what we’re going through with Sam’s death can teach a small lesson to those around us. If you’re reading this… please take a few minutes for us  and ‘borrow’ some of the perspective we’re workign so hard to get.  Is there a grudge you can retire ? Is their a relationship you can heal  ?.. Is there some pettiness you can forgive at work ? Is there someone you can reach out to help ? Can you get your own head around how lucky you are ?… Believe it or not.. I still consider myself a blessed  and lucky man…. just one who’s had an unimaginable loss. I invite you to heal with me this holiday season.  Sam would want that for us.
-jc

Friends….   
     Every year the  group Compassionate Friends sponsors an around the world candle lighting to commenorate all the kids that have died in the previous year. I’ve just learned that the memorial is tonight at 7PM in your local time zone. The idea is to surround the world in a moving band of light. If you can.. please light a candle for Sam and all lost kids tonight at 7PM. . Thanks so much !
-jc

I just got this from Sam’s friend Jordan… It’s too wierd to paraphrase… so here it is verbatim.
-jc

hi john its jordan i have a sam story to tell you of you woudl like to post it on a blog….well yesterday i was down town getting some gifts for my friends and i got a little hungry so i decided to go to the mcDonalds. I was wearing my jacket and on it i had the pin the i got from the memorial on it. i walked in placed my order and when i was standing there the lady who was woking here was like o i know that kid he was a nice young boy. I sadly had to tell her when happened and she almost broke down in tears. But something even weirder happened, at that time the guy with the red bull truck pulled in and was offering ppl free red bull it was so weird i just thought i would let ou know u can post it or not good bye enjoy your day

Diane and I woke up to a completely quiet house for the first time.Gabe spent the night at friends in Bolton. Max is in Burlington staying at friends… my folks left yesterday. All bedrooms, sofas and floors are empty… It was both peaceful and sad.    I was pretty broken up last night as I tried to fall asleep… around 12 Sam came to me in a vision (I can’t think of a better word)  I felt him so strongly.. it calmed me down and I fell asleep instantly.  Diane and I were both awake from about 5 on… just lying there quietly. We got up around 7:30 and  took our walk early because Diane’s Mom’s group is coming to pick her up around 9 for their monthly get together.  We do a loop through the neighbors woods that we’ve walked for years… we can think back to all the times we walked that trail so happy and in love with life… it”s a bittersweet memory now.. we can still find comfort in the life we once had.  We’re just in a different.. no-Sam universe now.  It was beautiful out there this morning.. we have about 4-5″ of new snow (thanks Sam  !).. We walked up to a rock in the neighbors meadow that we can see our house from.. we can see Sam’s bedroom window from there. It’s a good place… Our walks are half meditation and half strategy session… up to the rock, we think queitly and cry.. somewhere after the rock we start plannign the day…. Today we talked about how it seems to be getting harder rather than easier with each passing day. Most things you try to work through seem to get easier with time.. but Sam’s death is becoming more real to all of our family with each passing day.. there are fewer people around to distract us… there are more reminders that Sam’s really gone. There’s always a wierd association game going in my head which connects every object, situation or memory to my son…. It makes me realize how intertwined all of our lives are.  a friend told us you don’t just grieve with your heart and mind.. every cell in your body has to grieve.. it really feels like that.
  I gotta run now. Sorry for the short post this morning. I’ve been invited to go to the mothers group with Diane.. I learned in grad school never to turn down an offer of free help or free food.. and I think this meeting has both.
… which reminds me… so many folks have said  or written to us ‘if there’s anything I can do…’… or ‘ … you know my number….’  I can tell you now that as heartfelt as that sentiment is.. it’s not very helpful. We’re finding it so much more helpful when soemone calls us and  suggests soemthing specific .. like coming by.. or dragging us out of the house… or going shopping…   If you can’t do that, please  do like we said in Sam’s obit and  do somethigng good for a total stranger today.. Kharma will get the books to balance…   
I love you all…. go play in Sam’s snow…
-jc

ps.. I got two more Sam stories…
– Becca commented to tell me that the light bulb that blew out in her room day before yesterday didn’t just blow out.. it sparked and changed colors thne blew out.
– Jake told us that it snowed in Florida the day Sam died.. first time since 1917… go figure