thursday night – not 18

I spent the day trying not to think too much.. which is pointless.. since that itself requires thinking.

Tomorrow sam would turn 18..

It was a day I thought about when he was born..

it was a day I though about when he died..

What is it about 18 ? .. maybe high school graduation ? freedom ? donno….

It’s an important age…  and still an important age for Sam..


One thing I did get done was to refill the pool filter.. as Diane and I removed the sand we came across the samstone we’d placed in there several years ago.. we put in the new sand.. then I put the stone back in.. it makes the pool water freindlier..

Putting it in there reminded me that a few days again we got an invite in the mail to our friend Bob’s wedding. Bob is the guy who had received one of Sam’s kidneys.. he found us when he saw me put the Sam stone in the water filter on the Colony.. He invited us to hsi wending becase Sam made it possible .. Isn’t that very cool ?

It was a nice echo putting this stone in our filter.

I’m trying not to imagine tomorrow.. because it won’t be like i THINK .


Talk to you from there

Nite folks.. I love you sam
-me

Wednesday night – dame's rocket

When I ran this morning the woods were completely filled with sweet smelling pink. white and purple flowers . We’ve allways called them ‘dame rockets’.. but The web has taught me that they are actually

“Dame’s Rocket (Hesperis matronalis)

Dame’s rocket is a showy, short-lived perennial with large, loose clusters of fragrant white, pink or purple flowers… “

We always called them ‘phlox’ as well.. but the same article warns me that

“This species is often confused with garden phlox (Phlox paniculata)”

I grabbed a bunch for Diane and brought them home.

I’ve always looked forward to the day each year when the woods light up with these beutiful flowers.. their color, their smell.. always reminded me of early summer.. of the boys birthdays..   I remember them around at each of their births…

Even now, They still smell sweet to me..

nite folks.. nite sam

-me

Tuesday night – just thinking

On my wyay home tonight after a quick drive to NY.. I was thinking about Sam and his birthday.. and what that means and doesn’t mean. I’m trying to just go with whatever comes to me this week… happy/ sad/ neutral.. My struggle is not to over think .. even not to overthink the whole ‘go with the flow’ thing..Anyway..

As I got home, I was wondering what I’d say about my frame of mind tonight..  A mix of sad / strong / resolved / tired.. I couldn’t figure out what to say…   then I was saved the trouble.. I found a letter from Stacy. Parer’s om.. She’d found two pictures of Parker and Sam in a middle school (6 grade ?) show..

I like seeign how happy the boys are

I think that’s what I’m thinking..
love you all.. love you Sam
– me

Monday night – avocado day

I was tellign a friend at dinner that one of the strange things about writign every night is that it has given me a constant urge to do something a little different each day.. Doesn’t have to be a big thing.. but .. like yesterday. I ordered an avocodo smoothie when Gabe and I stopped for a snack..


I could have had the mango or the coconut.. but what adventure is there in that ? I went for the avocado.. .. and it tasted like… like .. I don’t know.. It was like drinking slightly sweet guacamole… or Like drinking particularity tasty green pastel paint.. or like green elmers glue.. but without the funky aftertaste..

it was pretty good.. not great. but interesting.. .. 
Just like my day….

Nite all. nite Sam
-me