I woke up to a beautiful day. Diane and Chai were already out walking with friend Jane and her dogs. Max is in Burlignton with friends and Gabe is still asleep. Gabe decided yesterday that he wasn’t up to being back in school. The change in our morning ritual… eating by himself at the counter.. no Sam to make us late for school… really hit him hard. He told us that he’s OK as long as he’s busy.. but gets sad everytime he has to sit quietly. He wants to take things a little more slowly for a while.. It was the first time I’d seen him really cry since Florida. In some hard way it was good to see him working through Sam really being gone. We are getting to know the meaning of the strange expression “good grief” . We recognize that each of us has a certain amount of sorrow to work through each day.. .. and we must attend to it. The work is pretty simple..our bodies know what to do… and  meter out just enough for us to bear. Generally we walk into Sam’s room and just ‘be’ with his stuff. Sometimes we start goign through the cards and letters we still have to open.. sometimes we read.. sometimes we just sit and cry. It hurts like hell.. but then we feel better and we can go on with our day.  If we don’t make the time to grieve each day we pay for it. We find that keeping busy keeps our loss just out of mind enough for us to function.. but putting it off too long in a day just means it takes over. For example: I spent a good part of yesterday working on a project for Sam. Sam’s friend Jon brought over a Christmas wreath in the shape of a guitar… I spent a few hours welding a statue of a guitar player to hold the wreath outside. I took the form for the sculpture from a picture of Sam at Rock Camp. . In my drive to get the thing finsihed, I forgot to do my grieving for the day.. the crying caught up with me while I was welding… That was a first… Once I forgot to snap my mask down before striking an arc. Sunday I found myself crying hard while installing storm windows… The day before it was while cleaning my lab which was still covered with all the pyrotechnics that we used to launch some of Sam’s ashes. I rellize that in my distracted state I’d left a very dangerous mess   Before that it was while driving and I had to pull over. Today I’ll make time to sit quietly and think about Sam. … it’s safer.
   I’m beginning to hear that we’re not the only ones still thinking of Sam every day. I’ve been getting mail from folks who are reading this blog about how they are integrating  our families tragedy and healing into their own lives.Though it’s bittersweet… we love hearing folks tell us that they are spending more time together as a family because of Sam’s death. I love hearing that some  of my work friends are taking a step back and locking at how crazy hectic their lives have become.    I also really love getting myspace mail  from Sam’s frineds about how they’re pulling some of Sam’s love of life into them… None of this changes the fact that Sam is gone.. but we get the feeling that his spirit is getting passed on and we really, really love that.
   Well…. It’s late now.. I’ve got work (chores and grieving) to do. so that’s all for now. .. We love you Sam…
-jc

My beautiful son Sam died three weeks ago today. I now both know it and believe it. Our councilor has told us about the many stages of grieveing that we’re likely to visit…denial, anger, bargaining.. depression and acceptance. It’s a useful framwork.. but.. as she explains.. everyone takes their own path through a loss like Sam’s death.. You don’t take these stages in sequence..  you just don’t want to end up ‘stuck’ in any one of them for too long.  I’ve been visiting a little of each, each day. I even spend a little time in accceptance each day which gives me a small glimpse of what life might be like down the road. The one I have not really been able to try on was anger.   I woke at 4 this morning both angry and sad. Why Sam ?  This wasn’t in the plan. I pictured his future so clearly…. How can this be ? Why didn’t I call him at that exact minute he chose to cross the street ? I’ve had a shield up that has protected me from thinking about the circumstances around Sam’s death. When people spoke of it.. I had to shut down or walk away. Instead of anger I felt only sadness.. and somehow through that… responsibility. I’m now starting to come to grips witht he fact that Sam or the rest of us didn’t ‘do’ anything to deserve his death. I know this sounds strange. but this is progress for me..  This healing process is going to be the hardest work I or my family has ever done.. we need to acknowledge every step.
    This three weeks has been so very hard.. but not without it’s gifts. Diane and I took a great hike to the Richmond cliffs yesterday with  friends Maureen, Arianna, Gary, Amy, Skyler, Orin and a whole pack of dogs. As we walked back we were talking about the painful perspective Sam’s death has given us about the preciousness (is that a word ?) of life. I would not wish the full lesson on anyone… .. but…  if people could get even the slightest sense of what we are feeling right now.. there would be no more war..no more oppression, no more violence.  Once you’ve felt this type of loss, you cannot imagine how one person can cause pain of any kind to another. I know that’s not realistic.. people have been fighting and dying forever. .. But
I’d love to think that what we’re going through with Sam’s death can teach a small lesson to those around us. If you’re reading this… please take a few minutes for us  and ‘borrow’ some of the perspective we’re workign so hard to get.  Is there a grudge you can retire ? Is their a relationship you can heal  ?.. Is there some pettiness you can forgive at work ? Is there someone you can reach out to help ? Can you get your own head around how lucky you are ?… Believe it or not.. I still consider myself a blessed  and lucky man…. just one who’s had an unimaginable loss. I invite you to heal with me this holiday season.  Sam would want that for us.
-jc

Friends….   
     Every year the  group Compassionate Friends sponsors an around the world candle lighting to commenorate all the kids that have died in the previous year. I’ve just learned that the memorial is tonight at 7PM in your local time zone. The idea is to surround the world in a moving band of light. If you can.. please light a candle for Sam and all lost kids tonight at 7PM. . Thanks so much !
-jc

I just got this from Sam’s friend Jordan… It’s too wierd to paraphrase… so here it is verbatim.
-jc

hi john its jordan i have a sam story to tell you of you woudl like to post it on a blog….well yesterday i was down town getting some gifts for my friends and i got a little hungry so i decided to go to the mcDonalds. I was wearing my jacket and on it i had the pin the i got from the memorial on it. i walked in placed my order and when i was standing there the lady who was woking here was like o i know that kid he was a nice young boy. I sadly had to tell her when happened and she almost broke down in tears. But something even weirder happened, at that time the guy with the red bull truck pulled in and was offering ppl free red bull it was so weird i just thought i would let ou know u can post it or not good bye enjoy your day