I’ve been feeling troubled all day about feeling troubled all day yesterday. You’re not really “supposed” to feel bad on your birthday. I was trying to figure out how much of my mood was Sam.. and how much are the other birthday concerns: ‘what have I done with my life ?’, ‘oh-my-g-d.. I’m getting old’, “what should I do with my special day”  .

I’ve come to the conclusion that nearly all of it was Sam..   the others all fade in comparison..   Diane and I were just talking about how strange holidays are now.. Everyone said they would be.. We think of Sam many times every day.. .. but something is different on an anniversary like a birthday or named holiday.. even on days like the 4th of July.. or Halloween… or the first big snowfall of the year.. While I can’t necessarily recall everything happened on the 8th or 10th of February for the last 52 years.. I can do a pretty good job of conjuring up what I was doing on the 9th… and 14 of of those memories Sam was a part…. a big part..   His absence now hits a resonance so deep in my being.. Diane offered the analogy of a tuning fork.. .. just the thought of an impending holiday starts the vibration.. on the day.. the vibration is the loudest.. though we still manage to have fun.. see friends, laugh… .smile.. etc.

I’m guessing this is the way we will live the rest of our lives.. that’s a pretty strange thought.. .. .. it’s about as close as you can come to predicting the future…

nite all, nite sam

-me