Happy Solstice Sam… We remember all the joy you brought us .. and it fills us on this darkest of all nights.   We’re thinking of you tonight.. as we light the channukah candles and welcomed the solstice we held hands and sent you our love . It’s so hard to know that you are not here with us . Our family has always marked the solstice by decorating a tree in the woods for the animals. We’ve moved that ritual to xmas eve this year. Every holiday is going to be such a hard  and bittersweet mix.  
   It’s just past midnight actually the solstice proper is 12:22 AM .. just as I am writing this.Tomorrow will be a little brighter than yesterday .  let it be so.   For the record, I’m going to see if I can change my writing schedule to late evening instead of writing in the morning. . I’m a night person.. I wake up after 10 AM.. independant of what time I get out of bed. Hopefully writing in the evening will be a little easier …   Today was a pretty good day. The morning was pretty queit. Diane took a walk with some two and four legged friends while I tried to reconstruct my lost blog for Wednesday. We then had a steady .. and welcome.. stream of visitors and calls all day.   It’s so cool when soemone just drops by the house. We spent the morning working on Sam’s memorial scholarships and trying to get ready for xmas… I kow it will be tough.. but we’re committed to making it a meaningful family holiday even as we miss Sam..   We’re trying to figure out how to  honor Sam’s memory and still try to find a way to celebrate. We want to .keep Sam present in our celebrations.  It’s a tall, tall order.
    We stayed home until around 2. Around that time, I got a funny blog comment from Sam’s (and our) good friend Ralph.. His story makes yesterday’s musical coincidence even that much  weirder.. Ralph was home sick and listening to a random MP3 mix on his computer as he was reading my blog. At the moment he was reading it.. the same .. ‘organ donor’ song by  DJ Shadow came on.. .. and it’s a pretty obscure cut .. he didn’t even know who DJ Shadow is…    These conicidences are really pushing the bounds of probabllity for me…. but they aren’t happening to everyone.. I think they only happen to (or are created by) folks who need them… like me.  Speaking of DJ Shadow, .. Diane reminded me that I left out the last  two lines of the lyrics to ‘Building Steam from a Grain of Sand’ that I had posted ealrier …   The full text is::

Those last two lines really do sound like Sam..
    Anyway.. this afternoon, my good friend Tim came by to get me out shopping. We’re learning to say ‘yes’ to any offer that comes up…. since its so hard for us to decide what to do on orur own right now.   We went into Williston to brave the crowds. I managed to pass the ‘wallmart test’.. Ifirst.  was out in public in one of the busiest stores in the area.. and I didn’t lose it completely.. . I did find myself constalty picking up three of an item.. and having to put one back.. or looking at soemthing and thinking to myslef that ‘sam would like that’  ..  that was always hard.  My mind quickly connected anything I saw to Sam..    anything: .a.paint ball gun, a game of twister, a fishing rod  brought up a Sam story in my memory.  I’m finding while some of the memories make me really sad.. not all of them do now. Is that progress ?.  I’m also fininding that our emotional state can change as fast as the weather. Sometimes a story or memory will casue me to breakdown immediately.. while the same thing an hour later will make me smile. I find I’m particulalry suseptible to deep sadness near daybreak and twighlight.. I’m sure there’s something deep in our biology that regulates that.   Tim and I wandered from store to store all evening.. I managed pretty well. overall. It took my several hours to realize that Tim wasn’t really even shopping.. he was just taking care of me…  how can I ever repay that kind of kindness ?
  We got back to the house about 10:30 to find it full of kids.  downstairs Max’s friends were playing the guitar and singing.. Upstairs Gabe’s friends were glued to a vdeo game… it almost seemed normal. We lit the candles  and Diane went to bed… The older kids are now outside looking for the meteor shower that’s ‘s supposed to happen tonight… Are they trying to see a message from Sam ? Can go looking for something like that ? … Well.. I’m looking for sleep now.. we’ve been invited to kike with friends at 8 tomorrow. I’m hreally hoping to sleep well..   t’s been several days since I slept through the night.. We’ll see how it goes. .In the mean time:  Happy solstice to all of you and your loved ones.. happy solstice Sam.

-jc

ps. Several folks have asked for more of the ‘Sam forever’ shirts   and those picture pins .. we’re going to order some more of each. Please let me know if you’d like one and what size. Thanks !