I woke today rested and happy…and thinking of Sam. I was able to get a good night sleep in this creaky old guest dorm despite the party that was going on down stairs. I stayed up way too late trying to hack the header of my blog to include links to Sam’s MySpace and the address of his Memorial Fund.Several folks had asked me for both.   I finanly turned off the lights just before 2AM..As soon as I hit the bed the grieving work I hadn’t done for the day was waiting for me..The only analogy I can find for what it’s like is, I’m sorry to say, getting sick to your stomach: you know it’s going to happen. it’s no fun.. it feels nasty .. but once you’re done wiht it you feel so much better.. I cried for about 30 minutes in this strang dark little room.. then as often happenes… I got a vision of smiling Sam… grew calm and felll asleep. I think this is the first night I’ve slept through the night in three weeks.
    Last night I hung out with Max and some of his school freinds until about 1. They’re a great group of kids … I think they will be a great support nase for Max when he’s back here this semeseter. His roommate painted an awsome picture for him.. it’s got a sillohette of a Sam-like kid on a mountain… very. very cool.  Walking into Max’s dormroom for the first time was hard for both of us.. that’s where we was when he heard about Sam’s accident. It seemse like every object, person or event has an association to Sam…. seeing it triggers that spark of sadness… but also disarms it for the future. It’s like any new situation is strewn with land mines . You can try to tip toe around them each time.. or you can set them off on purpose to make the same situation safe the next time. Option B seems to be more reliable for me. …
    I talked to Diane and Gabel last night. They went to the Battle of the Bands contest up at MMU. Our own Skanky Green won the contest and decided to donate their vast winnings ($200 ?)  to Sam’s Memorial fund.  That is so very cool. Both Diane and Gabe liked being back in Sam’s friends’ music… we really want to keep that connection going.
    I gotta go wake up Max and get us going on the Pratt stuff.. Thanks again to all the folks who are commenting or messaging. me about this blog. It’s been such a great way to reconnect with folks I’ve  lost track of..  You know another great thing about hearing from folks is how often we hear and feel the words ‘i love you’. I’m getting big, cranky guys from work telling me they ‘love’ us.. … and we love them ! Not really a typical guy thing.. but how cool is that !? I wish it didsn’t take a tradgedy like losing Sam to lower the barriers we have ahout expressing how we feel..   I’m trying to take that lesson further and tell folks how I feel about them more often.. You can try it too: try telling someone you never told that you love them (or like them alot….  or tolerate them ok) … It’ll be an interesting experiment… let me know how it goes.   Gotta go wake Max.. peace out. We love you Sam !
-jc

    Folks…   I forgot to mention it earlier. Our friends Hannah and Dave at Talent Skate Park are throwing a skateboard beneifit for Sam on Friday night. (6-9PM ?)  and  donating the proceeds to Sam’s fund… Is that cool or what ?!
I’ll post the real details as soon as I know ’em. Look for a broadcast from Hannah/Talent too.. Thanks !!!!!
-me

I woke up to a beautiful day. Diane and Chai were already out walking with friend Jane and her dogs. Max is in Burlignton with friends and Gabe is still asleep. Gabe decided yesterday that he wasn’t up to being back in school. The change in our morning ritual… eating by himself at the counter.. no Sam to make us late for school… really hit him hard. He told us that he’s OK as long as he’s busy.. but gets sad everytime he has to sit quietly. He wants to take things a little more slowly for a while.. It was the first time I’d seen him really cry since Florida. In some hard way it was good to see him working through Sam really being gone. We are getting to know the meaning of the strange expression “good grief” . We recognize that each of us has a certain amount of sorrow to work through each day.. .. and we must attend to it. The work is pretty simple..our bodies know what to do… and  meter out just enough for us to bear. Generally we walk into Sam’s room and just ‘be’ with his stuff. Sometimes we start goign through the cards and letters we still have to open.. sometimes we read.. sometimes we just sit and cry. It hurts like hell.. but then we feel better and we can go on with our day.  If we don’t make the time to grieve each day we pay for it. We find that keeping busy keeps our loss just out of mind enough for us to function.. but putting it off too long in a day just means it takes over. For example: I spent a good part of yesterday working on a project for Sam. Sam’s friend Jon brought over a Christmas wreath in the shape of a guitar… I spent a few hours welding a statue of a guitar player to hold the wreath outside. I took the form for the sculpture from a picture of Sam at Rock Camp. . In my drive to get the thing finsihed, I forgot to do my grieving for the day.. the crying caught up with me while I was welding… That was a first… Once I forgot to snap my mask down before striking an arc. Sunday I found myself crying hard while installing storm windows… The day before it was while cleaning my lab which was still covered with all the pyrotechnics that we used to launch some of Sam’s ashes. I rellize that in my distracted state I’d left a very dangerous mess   Before that it was while driving and I had to pull over. Today I’ll make time to sit quietly and think about Sam. … it’s safer.
   I’m beginning to hear that we’re not the only ones still thinking of Sam every day. I’ve been getting mail from folks who are reading this blog about how they are integrating  our families tragedy and healing into their own lives.Though it’s bittersweet… we love hearing folks tell us that they are spending more time together as a family because of Sam’s death. I love hearing that some  of my work friends are taking a step back and locking at how crazy hectic their lives have become.    I also really love getting myspace mail  from Sam’s frineds about how they’re pulling some of Sam’s love of life into them… None of this changes the fact that Sam is gone.. but we get the feeling that his spirit is getting passed on and we really, really love that.
   Well…. It’s late now.. I’ve got work (chores and grieving) to do. so that’s all for now. .. We love you Sam…
-jc

My beautiful son Sam died three weeks ago today. I now both know it and believe it. Our councilor has told us about the many stages of grieveing that we’re likely to visit…denial, anger, bargaining.. depression and acceptance. It’s a useful framwork.. but.. as she explains.. everyone takes their own path through a loss like Sam’s death.. You don’t take these stages in sequence..  you just don’t want to end up ‘stuck’ in any one of them for too long.  I’ve been visiting a little of each, each day. I even spend a little time in accceptance each day which gives me a small glimpse of what life might be like down the road. The one I have not really been able to try on was anger.   I woke at 4 this morning both angry and sad. Why Sam ?  This wasn’t in the plan. I pictured his future so clearly…. How can this be ? Why didn’t I call him at that exact minute he chose to cross the street ? I’ve had a shield up that has protected me from thinking about the circumstances around Sam’s death. When people spoke of it.. I had to shut down or walk away. Instead of anger I felt only sadness.. and somehow through that… responsibility. I’m now starting to come to grips witht he fact that Sam or the rest of us didn’t ‘do’ anything to deserve his death. I know this sounds strange. but this is progress for me..  This healing process is going to be the hardest work I or my family has ever done.. we need to acknowledge every step.
    This three weeks has been so very hard.. but not without it’s gifts. Diane and I took a great hike to the Richmond cliffs yesterday with  friends Maureen, Arianna, Gary, Amy, Skyler, Orin and a whole pack of dogs. As we walked back we were talking about the painful perspective Sam’s death has given us about the preciousness (is that a word ?) of life. I would not wish the full lesson on anyone… .. but…  if people could get even the slightest sense of what we are feeling right now.. there would be no more war..no more oppression, no more violence.  Once you’ve felt this type of loss, you cannot imagine how one person can cause pain of any kind to another. I know that’s not realistic.. people have been fighting and dying forever. .. But
I’d love to think that what we’re going through with Sam’s death can teach a small lesson to those around us. If you’re reading this… please take a few minutes for us  and ‘borrow’ some of the perspective we’re workign so hard to get.  Is there a grudge you can retire ? Is their a relationship you can heal  ?.. Is there some pettiness you can forgive at work ? Is there someone you can reach out to help ? Can you get your own head around how lucky you are ?… Believe it or not.. I still consider myself a blessed  and lucky man…. just one who’s had an unimaginable loss. I invite you to heal with me this holiday season.  Sam would want that for us.
-jc