Friends….   
     Every year the  group Compassionate Friends sponsors an around the world candle lighting to commenorate all the kids that have died in the previous year. I’ve just learned that the memorial is tonight at 7PM in your local time zone. The idea is to surround the world in a moving band of light. If you can.. please light a candle for Sam and all lost kids tonight at 7PM. . Thanks so much !
-jc

I just got this from Sam’s friend Jordan… It’s too wierd to paraphrase… so here it is verbatim.
-jc

hi john its jordan i have a sam story to tell you of you woudl like to post it on a blog….well yesterday i was down town getting some gifts for my friends and i got a little hungry so i decided to go to the mcDonalds. I was wearing my jacket and on it i had the pin the i got from the memorial on it. i walked in placed my order and when i was standing there the lady who was woking here was like o i know that kid he was a nice young boy. I sadly had to tell her when happened and she almost broke down in tears. But something even weirder happened, at that time the guy with the red bull truck pulled in and was offering ppl free red bull it was so weird i just thought i would let ou know u can post it or not good bye enjoy your day

Diane and I woke up to a completely quiet house for the first time.Gabe spent the night at friends in Bolton. Max is in Burlington staying at friends… my folks left yesterday. All bedrooms, sofas and floors are empty… It was both peaceful and sad.    I was pretty broken up last night as I tried to fall asleep… around 12 Sam came to me in a vision (I can’t think of a better word)  I felt him so strongly.. it calmed me down and I fell asleep instantly.  Diane and I were both awake from about 5 on… just lying there quietly. We got up around 7:30 and  took our walk early because Diane’s Mom’s group is coming to pick her up around 9 for their monthly get together.  We do a loop through the neighbors woods that we’ve walked for years… we can think back to all the times we walked that trail so happy and in love with life… it”s a bittersweet memory now.. we can still find comfort in the life we once had.  We’re just in a different.. no-Sam universe now.  It was beautiful out there this morning.. we have about 4-5″ of new snow (thanks Sam  !).. We walked up to a rock in the neighbors meadow that we can see our house from.. we can see Sam’s bedroom window from there. It’s a good place… Our walks are half meditation and half strategy session… up to the rock, we think queitly and cry.. somewhere after the rock we start plannign the day…. Today we talked about how it seems to be getting harder rather than easier with each passing day. Most things you try to work through seem to get easier with time.. but Sam’s death is becoming more real to all of our family with each passing day.. there are fewer people around to distract us… there are more reminders that Sam’s really gone. There’s always a wierd association game going in my head which connects every object, situation or memory to my son…. It makes me realize how intertwined all of our lives are.  a friend told us you don’t just grieve with your heart and mind.. every cell in your body has to grieve.. it really feels like that.
  I gotta run now. Sorry for the short post this morning. I’ve been invited to go to the mothers group with Diane.. I learned in grad school never to turn down an offer of free help or free food.. and I think this meeting has both.
… which reminds me… so many folks have said  or written to us ‘if there’s anything I can do…’… or ‘ … you know my number….’  I can tell you now that as heartfelt as that sentiment is.. it’s not very helpful. We’re finding it so much more helpful when soemone calls us and  suggests soemthing specific .. like coming by.. or dragging us out of the house… or going shopping…   If you can’t do that, please  do like we said in Sam’s obit and  do somethigng good for a total stranger today.. Kharma will get the books to balance…   
I love you all…. go play in Sam’s snow…
-jc

ps.. I got two more Sam stories…
– Becca commented to tell me that the light bulb that blew out in her room day before yesterday didn’t just blow out.. it sparked and changed colors thne blew out.
– Jake told us that it snowed in Florida the day Sam died.. first time since 1917… go figure

“Words cannot express….” … Diane and I have seen that phrase hundreds of times in the cards we’ve been opening over the last two days…  It’s true that words can’t describe what it’s like for us losing Sam. But beleive it or not.. hearing that folks don’t know what to say is exactly what we need to hear.. It’s so much better to hear that someone can’t put into words or doesn’t understandwhat we’re going through  than to hear ‘he’s in a better place now’… or ‘you’ll get over this in time…’ .. or ‘my aunt’s neighbor’s once… etc. ‘…   or ‘ I can’t imagine what you’re going through’.. we don’t want anyone to imagine that… believe me. Words cannot express what it’s like loosing a child… but words cannot also express how wonderful it is for us to have folks in our community like the Kenny’s.. or Bond/Bouries, or Paulsens.. or Martins.. that have dropped out of their lives to help us heal ours.. words cannot express the feeling of always coming dwon to a full refrigerator packed with food folks have made with love. Words cannot express the mix of sadness and happiness that we get when we read the posts on Sam’s MySpace from all the friends who miss him.. or the feeling we get when 100 people trek up a mountinat to see us scatter Sam’s ashes.  Words can’t express how beautifull and painful each minute has been since Sam died… or for how fundamentally our experience of the world has changed: no rush… no relief… just beauty and saddness everywhere. There are no good words for that at all….  There aren’t really good words to describe the feeling of crying while you brush your teeth.. or laughing when you get your son’s ashes in your eyes and mouth. So thank you all for not having the right words to say.. because there aren’t any.
     OK… so that’s my spacey rant for the morning… on the more newsy front.. we keep trucking here. Yesterday was harder than the day before in some ways and easier than others. With fewer folks in the house we spend more time crying together or by oursleves. My folks are still in town which is really a great comfort. We are trying to find ways to keep busy.. since the time weighs a ton. Yesterday a bunch of Sam’s and our friends cam around late afternoon.. it was wonderful to have laughter in the house again. I’m begininning to see how hard this winter might be if we don’t get folks in here or get us ot in the world. Several dear friends called us yesterday to check on us .. I’m so overwhelmed by the love that’s coming to us by hone and in person. Last night Max went out and brought back pizza and subs for everyone who was in the house.. that was pretty festive.. there were still folks around when I fell asleep on the couch at 11… Diane and I both woke around 4 and couldn’t go back to sleep.. it’s hard laying there.. but the memories of Sam are now more mixed for me.. not all sad. Today we have very little planned.. we need to hit the bank and a bookstore.. I also need to clean the garage and get the storm windows up. Those chores which I used to hate are now a blessing to me. I also had a dream about a sculpture I’m goign to weld today if I can find the scraps…
    Oh.. there have been a whole bunch of Sam-coincidences reported to us over the last couple of days.. I’m not keeping a list.. I probably should.. Here are some:
– Sam’s myspace password somehow re-appeared in the saved passwords of one of our computures after being gone for 2 weeks. That allowed me to go in and accept about 94 frriend requests for him (don’t worry.. I’m not reading his mail or changing anything else)
– Friend Rusty reported the he was jamming with a friend at MMU yesterday when something hit one of the big crash symbols right in time with the music.. The whole class turned to see.. but no one was at the drums…
– I was sitting on the couch crying yesterday while a few folks were elsewhere in the house. a few feet away from me the door to my old lab swung open forcefully… made me laugh
– Friend Becca tried to replace a light bulb that had blown out when Sam died (I think). she put in a fresh bulb and it burned out before she could leave the room
– Friend Kasey was playing Stairway to Heaven on his electric guitar.. Something kept turning down his guitar. (Sounds like he’s tellign you to keep practising Kase 🙂
– Friend Marshall was driving in the middle of nowwhere on the backroads of Central Vermont looking at the mountains and thinking about Sam. As he was staring at the mountains.. along came the Red Bull truck out of nowhere.

Got others.? Let us know…..
Gotta start the day.. peace out all… We love you Sam.
-jc