Every day is full of ‘firsts’.  Today was the first day since Sam’s death that I did not wake up crying. In fact… I didn’t lose it until I dropped Gabe off at school. It was sort of the same for Diane. It’s a funny feeling… not crying. I don’t want to begin forgetting Sam at all.. I do want to find a little peace… and maybe this is what it will be like…  Other firsts….. this is the first day I woke without a plan to get me through the morning.   this is the first day I’ve had sushi for breakfast.. … leftovers from another of Jen Kenney’s kindness drop-offs last night. There is no ‘normal’ anymore in schedule, diet…. conversation.
    Yesterday was a full and hard day… my folks (judy and hugh) decided to stay a few extra days… which is a blessing. They slept in while Diane and I took a long walk with Jen… We feel Sam outdoors.. so being out there helps us.. We came back to find that our old housmate Cathy Cover Willson had dropped by. Cathy lived in our hous in the mid 80’s when we still had a commune of sorts going here. She just lost her husband Tim on Nov 17 after a years battle with brain cancer. Tim’s memorial was in the Monitor Barn the day after the beneifit concert for Sam. Cathy Diane and I talked for an hour or so about how we feel we’ve all just joined some sort of secret club for thoe who have lost loved ones. It was really nice talking to Cathy about some of the stuff you just can’t talk about with everyone (‘what utensils do YOU use to scoop up someone’s ashes ?’) Diane and I then spent a good portion of the day starting to open the boxes of cards and letters that folks have sent us. Now that’s a wierd deal… some are from folks you don’t know…… but are still heartfelt…  some are from folks you don’t know and are automatic. The nicest and hardes to read are from good friends.. many don’t know what to write.. (who does ?)  otheres have good stories of Sam… those help. Some have chacks for Sam’s fund (thanks !)  As I read I picture the person who wrote it.. and try to feel their heart beating. just like when you hug them…   So many of my firends from work have written from around the world.. So many religions and traditions. I realize we have so many gods and goddesses working for us now that we’re bound to be OK.
    Other first yesterday… I started the proccess of offiially telling the world that Sam is gone… I called the bank, the insurance guy., IBM.. There was a nice story. I called the IBM benefits hotline to get soe ehelp as to where to start. The woman who answeed.. ‘Tanya’   started off in auto-pilot …after telling her about Sam’s death.. she started into a script ‘On behalf of IBM we are sorry for your loss…’  and started to list off the official steps. She got about 2 sentences in then broke down…. she said.. ‘I do this all the time…’.. but I never had to talk about someone’s child.’ Turns out she’s a single mom. and a foster mom and deeply spiritual.. we talked about kids, life, creation and organ donation for about 30 minutes. She went home to hug those kids hard..At the end of the call.. she flipped back into autopilot and jumped back to the script…’in 7 – 14 days you’ll receive a packet in the mail with the docmentents you need to file. Once agian.. IBM sends it’s condolances’… then we both laughed !   .. Sam’s story seems to lower barriers tfor everyone.
     Last night Max and I went with friends to hear our favorite bassist  Victor Wootan play at higher ground. It was hard leaving here to go out. Max and I were stressing about a trip we’d planned to make today down to Pratt to see about how he can finish the semester.. I put too much pressure on him about doing it this week.. Diane helped me realize that I wasn’t ready to go back to my work.. why should Max be ready to go back to his.. Neither of us can imagine gettign back to routine..  We left the house kinda mad at each other.. we drove for about 3 minutes then both broke down… I had to pull over we were both crying so hard.. We missed Sam so much. We just sat there holding each other..Walking in to Higher Ground was tough, too.. Sam, Gabe Diane and I had gone to a State Radio concert there about a week before Sam died…. The music last night was wonderful and healing as live music always is to me. I could swear I saw Sam dancing near the stage,….
    I ran into several friends at the show.. kids and adults.. everyone was giving Max and me love and suport. We feel so much love everywhere we go now.  Yesterday I talked about the ‘Zen’ of our mourning.. and how in the moment we all feel now..  It was like that last night.. I realize how preseant and focused I was before  everytime I talked with someone. or as I listend to the music. I don’t think I realizied how distracted and preoccupied I was when talkign to people before this. Sam was like that..when you spoke to him.. he was just listening to you… I guess I’m picking that upfrom him.. it’s beautifull.  Everything is special now.  Well.. time to strart this new day… love to you all…

-jc
ps. Sam..please send more snow

Early, early morning. Diane and I started the day’s as we’ve been doing.. Lying in bed struggling to make sense of the day. The mornings are the hardest part of the day.. Sam’s death comes back to us fresh. I just want to hold him one more time…. We lay there and make a plan for the day…: what will we do first, what next, etc… This morning we got up to get Gabe off to school… turns out he’s too beat to get up.. so we do the normal stuff, start the fire, get the paper, drink our tea… try to usher in a normal day…   It’s  very hard right now.
   Yesterday was our first day after the big celibrations. My parents decided to spend a few more days with us before going back.. which is a big help and comfort. They want to help so badly.. Yesterday they cleaned the house so it looks morelike our home and less like some sort of resturant. The 1000+ people who have vistied  over the past 2 weeks (yes.. it’s been 2 weeks now !)… have brought so much food and drink that we can eat for the next month. They also used enough water to overfill  our spetic system . THat was the ccause of the 2″ of sewage in the basement. Hard as it may be to explain.. I took great comfort in cleaning up that mess last night. Manual labor helps us clear our minds..
    Speaking of clearing our minds…. I made an interesting observation about myself yesterday.. I realize that I can’t ever remember myself being as stress free or as ‘in the moment’ as I am right now. The jolt of Sam’s death has made us so present of the ‘now’.. Dwelling in the past.. or worrying about the future are too paibnful to do…. so we stay here… it’s very Zen.. and beautiful in a strange and painful way.
     Tomorrow Max and I are goign to try and drive down to his college (Pratt in Brooklyn) and see what he needs to do about finishing the semsester. Folks will be here with Diane.. it’s hard to think of leaving. … but I’m looking forward to the time with Max…
    Oh./… stories of Sam signs keep flowing into us… our nephews’ internet was down for a week and spontaneously came back up last night… another tree falling in the forest near a friend. Several folks have posted stories about blinking or flickering lights….  and then… there’s this beautiful snow.. thank you Sam… I seee you’re trying to figure out your new powers and limitations…
     OK.. now I’ll start today….
-jc

ps. If you’re reading this…. can you let me know ? I am not sure if I’m writing for myself.. or  others… Thanks !

Snow….
   Sam made it snow… Yesterday afternoon we went to the top of Bolton Mountain with about 100 friends. The folks at Bolton Valley graciously operated the lift to get everyone to the top. It was a glorious day.. clear and bright… not too cold. Everyone brought the flowers that had been around the house all week.   We gathered in and around the Ski Patrol cabin to warm up..  The crowd then went a bit downhill of the cabin to watch  while  Diane, Max, Gabe and I climbed up the rickety fire tower at the top of the mountain.   The view was beatuiful in all drections.. I’m sure we could see 100 miles. We were up there laughing and crying at the same time As the sun started to set, we all opened small bags of Sam’s ashes and they were picked up by the strong wind and swirled around us.. We later heard that from the ground it looked like they circled us before flying off with the wind. We also through flower petals and dumped a can of Red Bull for Sam… I thien lit a blow toarch and lit the fused on two firecracker mortars that my brother Billy, friend Bill Parker and I had modified to contain some of Sam’s ashes and his picture.. The two charges flew into the sky and burst into beautiful green flowers…. and spread Sam into the sky.. It was beautiful …and just so Sam.  
   We climbed down into the arms of our friends and lit off a few more fireworks to mark the moemnt then all walked down the mountain.. We all gathered at Deb and Barry Townsends house for a huge spagetti dinner .. the final public event of our sad week. At about 7 we all made our way down to the Timberline lift parking lot and lit off a huge cache of fireworks that Timm Ferrill and Bill Parker had independently pulled together.. we lit up the sky one more time for Sam…..
   At that point we were exhausted beyond words… we went home and slept……..then woke to a quiet house. This is the first real day of our private mourning….  no more parites.. no more relatives. I feel how hard this is going to be. So many people have said to us..’call me if you need anything’… or ‘you know where we live’… I don’t think we will know who to call.. or what to ask for. If you are reading this.. please do me a favor and call us sometime.. or come to visit..  I think we’re really, really going to need it.
Thanks to everyone for helping us give beaautiful Sam the send off he deserved this week.. help us by keeping his spirit in your hearts..

-jc

ps. For those of you who are tracking the electrical disturbances around Sam’s death.. here are a few more that have happened to us or to friends

– As we climbed the platform yewsterdayto release Sam’s ashes.. Max’s cell phone logged  a missed call from the phone Sam used….  even though it was sitting on the counter at home with a drained battery

– Diane, Gabe, Max and Max’s girlfirend Jessie and I were standing at our car after the celebration Saturday. A blue/white streetlight over our head flashed orange then went out for good as we walked up to our car.

– A block away another streetlight blew up over Jessie’s sister Jackie at about the same moment,.

– I heard from jean Cambell that the content blocker that prevents kids from using their MySpace at MMU malufunctioned last week. which allowed kids to post to Sam’s page… they couldn’t figure out what had happened (hacking.. or Sam ?)

– Last Friday all of Wes White Hill was blacked out

– Last Thursday there was a system wide DSL outage for all of our area

Who know’s what’s up….

Folks…
   Just a short post now. Thanks to everyone for such a wonderful Celebration of Sam’s life last night at Memorial Auditiorium. The music and the thoughts were absolutely amazing. I feel we really gave Sam the send off he needed.  There’s a reallty great write up about the event in this morning’s Burlington Free Press.. it’s on the front page of the Vermont seciton. Though the article says 500, we estimate that there were more than 800 folks there.  It was both wonderful and incredibly sad to watch the program last night. I was so proud of my Sam was such an amazing kid. We were so moved by everything we saw and heard..  and the many folks.. some from very far away.. who made the trip to be with us. I was so very proud of Max and Gabe for their role in the program. Max really was the best spokesman for our family’s feelings. Thanks SO much to all of our family and friends who planned and m,anaged the event.. and cared for us in the neary 2 weeks since Sam’s death. We will be forever greatful for the love and support we’ve recvived….
  We were all so filled up by last nights service..As Diane said in the closing.. we were able to feel some level of Joy again. There was a small gathering at our house after the Celibration. Then we slept well. .Diane and I woke today  to an empty house. Both Gabe and Max slept at friends houses last night. Arount 8:30 Mark O’brien of Giffords showed up at the house with Sam’s ashes.   Another very sad time. This will be the rythm of our lives..  for the next year or so great saddness with spots of happiness mixed in. 
   
Again.. thank you all for helpign us give Sam the send off we needed to give him. As promised.. ehre are the lyrics for the songs that were played last night. I’ll try to get the lyrics for the Song max wrote as well..
Thanks again to everyone
-jc

“Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd – played by Nate Kenney and Kevin Cafferky

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

“For Good” from Wicked sung by Elsa McLaughlin and Mariah Martin

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend…

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda) Because I knew you

(Both) I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I’ve done you blame me for

(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There’s blame to share

(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both) Who can say if I’ve been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda) And because I knew you…

(Elphaba) Because I knew you…

(Both) Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good.

“If I Could” by Phish
 
Take me to another place, she said
Take me to another time
Run with me across the oceans
Float me on a silver cloud

If I could I would, but I dont know how
If I could I would, but I dont know how
If I could I would and Id take you now

Stay with me till time turns over
I want to feel my feet leave the ground
Take me where the whispering breezes
Can lift me up and spin me around

If I could I would…
Hear you laughing as we go
Flipping backward through the doors and through the windows…
Im melting into nothing

If I could I would, but I dont know how
If I could I would, but I dont know how
If I could I would and Id take you now

Lithium by Nirvana

I’m so happy ’cause today
I’ve found my friends …
They’re in my head
I’m so ugly, but that’s okay, ’cause so are you …
We’ve broken our mirrors (Alt: We broke our mirrors)
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care …
And I’m not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
‘Cause I’ve found god
Hey, hey hey x6

I’m so lonely, but that’s okay, I shaved my head …
And I’m not sad
And just maybe I’m to blame for all I’ve heard …
But I’m not sure
I’m so excited, I can’t wait to meet you there …
But I don’t care
I’m so horny, but that’s okay …
My will is good
Hey, hey hey x6

x2
I like it – I’m not gonna crack
I miss you – I’m not gonna crack
I love you – I’m not gonna crack
I killed you – I’m not gonna crack

I’m so happy ’cause today
I’ve found my friends …
They’re in my head
I’m so ugly, but that’s okay, ’cause so are you …
We’ve broken our mirrors (Alt: We broke our mirrors)
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care …
And I’m not scared
Light my candles in a daze …
‘Cause I’ve found god
Hey, hey hey x6

x2
I like it – I’m not gonna crack
I miss you – I’m not gonna crack
I love you – I’m not gonna crack
I killed you – I’m not gonna crack

Keepsake – by State Radio – sung by Jane Kier and Avery Lavoie

One gonna heal my body another gonna heal my pain
One gonna settle me down then bring me back up again

I m gonna put my family back together again

One gonna hold my woman another gonna hold my job
One gonna help me get up, another gonna help me stop

One gonna help me talk right, one gonna lay me down to sleep

(Humming)

One gonna hold my thoughts and another gonna hold my bones
One gonna keep me warm and another gonna keep me cold

One gonna bring religon, right from a Coleman stove
One gonna help me keep em  another gonna help me tame

One gonna run me down (Hell a bullets in my way)

You re gonna keep my soul it was yours to have long ago

(humming)

I m gonna buckle my belt around the ceiling pipe
I m gonna buckle my knees and I m gonna lock em  up tight

I m gonna hold a pen while you drag my arm across the page

One gonna hold my memories another gonna close the door
One gonna leave me restless another wanting more

You re gonna keep my soul it was yours to have long ago

(Humming)

Wayward Son by Jeff Demis – played by Skanky Green

Generation X
Where is your amibition?
You are blinded
By your shelter
Prioritize, conformitize
Make something of yourself
The real world preys
Upon a slacker

I know this life’s
No bed of roses
One thorn for every
Heart and soul
Excuse me if I make the
Best of my disaster
And despite your dearest slander
Im no wayward son

Our parents tell us we’re
their future
And thus far it’s
Not lookin so bright
Education, motivation
Determinate yourselves
We’ll need new leaders
To tell us who to fight

Spare me your
Corporate dogma
I want nothing of
Another’s blood
Politics fade
To lethal profiteering
And despite your dearest slander
Im no wayward son

Say what you will about
The life I’m living
But in the end
I have lived it
Can you truly say the same
For yourself?
And if the answer’s no,
Who’s the wayward son?

“If I Ever Leave This World Alive” by Flogging Molly -played by Max Cohn. Scott Crisman, Rusty Charpontier, Tyler Paulsen

If I ever leave this world alive
I’ll thank for all the things you did in my life
If I ever leave this world alive
I’ll come back down and sit beside your
feet tonight
Wherever I am you’ll always be
More than just a memory
If I ever leave this world alive

If I ever leave this world alive
I’ll take on all the sadness
That I left behind
If I ever leave this world alive
The madness that you feel will soon subside
So in a word don’t shed a tear
I’ll be here when it all gets weird
If I ever leave this world alive

So when in doubt just call my name
Just before you go insane
If I ever leave this world
Hey I may never leave this world
But if I ever leave this world alive

She says I’m okay; I’m alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right

She says I’m okay; I’m alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right
Yeah should be alright

“Waiting On An Angel” by Ben Harpur – played by Jeff Bassieolier

Waiting on an angel.
One to carry me home.
Hope you come to see me soon, cause I don’t want to go alone,
I don’t want to go alone.

Now angel won’t you come by me.
Angel hear my plea.
Take my hand, lift me up so that I can fly with thee,
so that I can fly with thee.

And I’m waiting on an angel.
And I know it won’t be long to find myself a resting place in my angel’s arms,
in my angel’s arms.

So speak kind to a stranger, cause you’ll never know, it just might be an angel come,
Oh- knockin’ at your door, Oh- knockin’ at your door.

And I’m waiting on an angel.
And I know it won’t be long to find myself a resting place in my angel’s arms,
Oh- in my angel’s arms.

Waiting on an angel.
One to carry me home.
Hope you come to see me soon, cause I don’t want to go alone,
I don’t want to go alone,
don’t want to go,
I don’t want to go alone.