Happy Solstice Sam… We remember all the joy you brought us .. and it fills us on this darkest of all nights.   We’re thinking of you tonight.. as we light the channukah candles and welcomed the solstice we held hands and sent you our love . It’s so hard to know that you are not here with us . Our family has always marked the solstice by decorating a tree in the woods for the animals. We’ve moved that ritual to xmas eve this year. Every holiday is going to be such a hard  and bittersweet mix.  
   It’s just past midnight actually the solstice proper is 12:22 AM .. just as I am writing this.Tomorrow will be a little brighter than yesterday .  let it be so.   For the record, I’m going to see if I can change my writing schedule to late evening instead of writing in the morning. . I’m a night person.. I wake up after 10 AM.. independant of what time I get out of bed. Hopefully writing in the evening will be a little easier …   Today was a pretty good day. The morning was pretty queit. Diane took a walk with some two and four legged friends while I tried to reconstruct my lost blog for Wednesday. We then had a steady .. and welcome.. stream of visitors and calls all day.   It’s so cool when soemone just drops by the house. We spent the morning working on Sam’s memorial scholarships and trying to get ready for xmas… I kow it will be tough.. but we’re committed to making it a meaningful family holiday even as we miss Sam..   We’re trying to figure out how to  honor Sam’s memory and still try to find a way to celebrate. We want to .keep Sam present in our celebrations.  It’s a tall, tall order.
    We stayed home until around 2. Around that time, I got a funny blog comment from Sam’s (and our) good friend Ralph.. His story makes yesterday’s musical coincidence even that much  weirder.. Ralph was home sick and listening to a random MP3 mix on his computer as he was reading my blog. At the moment he was reading it.. the same .. ‘organ donor’ song by  DJ Shadow came on.. .. and it’s a pretty obscure cut .. he didn’t even know who DJ Shadow is…    These conicidences are really pushing the bounds of probabllity for me…. but they aren’t happening to everyone.. I think they only happen to (or are created by) folks who need them… like me.  Speaking of DJ Shadow, .. Diane reminded me that I left out the last  two lines of the lyrics to ‘Building Steam from a Grain of Sand’ that I had posted ealrier …   The full text is::

Those last two lines really do sound like Sam..
    Anyway.. this afternoon, my good friend Tim came by to get me out shopping. We’re learning to say ‘yes’ to any offer that comes up…. since its so hard for us to decide what to do on orur own right now.   We went into Williston to brave the crowds. I managed to pass the ‘wallmart test’.. Ifirst.  was out in public in one of the busiest stores in the area.. and I didn’t lose it completely.. . I did find myself constalty picking up three of an item.. and having to put one back.. or looking at soemthing and thinking to myslef that ‘sam would like that’  ..  that was always hard.  My mind quickly connected anything I saw to Sam..    anything: .a.paint ball gun, a game of twister, a fishing rod  brought up a Sam story in my memory.  I’m finding while some of the memories make me really sad.. not all of them do now. Is that progress ?.  I’m also fininding that our emotional state can change as fast as the weather. Sometimes a story or memory will casue me to breakdown immediately.. while the same thing an hour later will make me smile. I find I’m particulalry suseptible to deep sadness near daybreak and twighlight.. I’m sure there’s something deep in our biology that regulates that.   Tim and I wandered from store to store all evening.. I managed pretty well. overall. It took my several hours to realize that Tim wasn’t really even shopping.. he was just taking care of me…  how can I ever repay that kind of kindness ?
  We got back to the house about 10:30 to find it full of kids.  downstairs Max’s friends were playing the guitar and singing.. Upstairs Gabe’s friends were glued to a vdeo game… it almost seemed normal. We lit the candles  and Diane went to bed… The older kids are now outside looking for the meteor shower that’s ‘s supposed to happen tonight… Are they trying to see a message from Sam ? Can go looking for something like that ? … Well.. I’m looking for sleep now.. we’ve been invited to kike with friends at 8 tomorrow. I’m hreally hoping to sleep well..   t’s been several days since I slept through the night.. We’ll see how it goes. .In the mean time:  Happy solstice to all of you and your loved ones.. happy solstice Sam.

-jc

ps. Several folks have asked for more of the ‘Sam forever’ shirts   and those picture pins .. we’re going to order some more of each. Please let me know if you’d like one and what size. Thanks !

I’m a little written out from trying to reconstruct yesterday’s post from memory… but I’ll try to do today now

Good mourning… (stupid play on words I know ) but that’s how it feels. The day is bright again and our mood is an OK mix of saddness and peace. We’re learning to accept how this mourning process comes to us.. We find it’s OK for us to have spells where we’re happy.. or busy.. or spacing out… and times when we’re deeply sad. Several folks have asked whether we need ‘space’ or ‘time’ to be by ourselves to mourn.. the answer is no.. we get plenty of time by ourselves..we really welcome visitors or invites to do something…please do not worry that your will distract us from our business of working through Sam’s death… we will be working on that forever….
   Yesterday was a pretty good day.. After the MMU organ donor talk I went to visit Jim Cleary a stone engraver we know… he does really cool things with sandblasted granite. Diane’s frend Marci  had a very cool vision of Sam while doing a Reiki session with Diane.. the image was of the Mayan necklace that Sam always wore. It spelled S-A-M phonetically in one using Mayan glyphs. Sam got that necklace when he Diane and I went to Mexico in June. We’re having those images sandblasted into a rock for our garden in memory of Sam…   It was great being around Jim and seeing how he worked with such a hard and lasting material. . I then drove down with good friend Alan to Monkton to visit my friend Homer Wells… a cool inventer/artist who works in metal , plastic, wood and wax (yes wax).I know it sounds strange, but I’m  feeling the need to create and be around creative people since Sam died. I think I’m going to weld something for Sam today…
    Here’s one really powerful Sam story that happend yesterday.. Alan and I had a great conversation in the car…  Towards the end of the drive I was talking to Alan about our life after Sam’s death. I was confidently telling him that I will continue to miss Sam ..at the same time I’m committed to live my life fully and keep joy in my life.. Sam would have wanted that afterall. I dropped Alan off and was driving home on Wes White Hill… The confidence of my conversation with Alan started to fade as I drove down the dark road alone .. I asked outload to no one in particular..  ‘will I really be ok ?!’ At that instance the trip-hop remix ‘Organ Donor’ (!!!!) by DJ Shadow  (http://www.last.fm/music/DJ+Shadow/_/Organ+Donor) came on the radio  (XM satelite station XMU.. one of 140 that we get) .. it’s a *really* obscure track that I always listened to at home. right after that they played any even more obscure  DJ Shadow remix piece “Building steam from a grain of sand”  (http://hype.non-standard.net/track/191711) ..  The opening monologue on that piece is

Pretty cool..  no ?   Please don’t worry that I’m loosing touch here.. Maybe these  are ‘just’ powerful cooincidences .. but I’m begining to see that the word ‘coincidence’ is too dismissive… What do you all think ?
Gotta go enjoy this day now.. Peace out Sam…
-jc

Myspace blog was out of commission this morning and I thought I might lose my mind. I’ve come to rely so much on writing a little each day.
    The last two days have been hard… things are pretty quiet at the house now and there are longer stretches of us being alone.
I did venture out out the house both days to try and do a little shopping for xmas. That was so very hard.. it’s really difficult for me to get excited about ‘things’.. this season.  We did have several sets of visitors today.This evening a bunch of folks  showed up annanounced which was wonderful. Jen brought chinese food and we had a table full of people again…  It seems likeour friends can sense when we need a little boost and show up… It’s really wonderful
    Last night I had some trouble staying asleep.. at about 3 I started to meditate as I do whenever I need to relax. My routine… or I guess it’s even my mantra… is to picture each person in my family and send them some love. The last few times I’ve tried to do that I’ve broken down each time I get to Sam… Last night I just tried to beam the same love to Sam that I always have.. and it felt so good.. I finding that when I’m most sad I’m usually thinking about what Sam’s death has done  to me and my family…. I’m mourning the future. I’ve said before.. I find that I’m faced with the decision every waking minute on whether I choose to surrender to deep sadness.. or try to go forward..  Now I’m finnding that I can sometimes (not always) redirect some of that energy into thinking about Sam.. and sending him love  in the present. When I can do that… it’s a much more postitive energy.   Where-ever Sam  is.. whatever he is now.. he probably can still use all of our love. Please try sending him some love tonight….
     On the topic of present-tense love…  DIane and I are leaving now to take Gabe to see Hatebreed and Killswitch Engage using a ticket Sam bought. Sam was so psyched to see these guys.. we just want to make an appearance… If you know their music.. you’ll know what a deep act of love it will be for us to go listen 🙂      So.. if you’re at the show and see an old guy in the mosh pit.. please give him a hug.. Make it snow please Sam !

-jc

Friends.. just heard two funny cooincindences involving Sam’s Name. Last night our friend Coco was reading a book called “Father Joe” that’s a bestseller in stores now… the story mentions  the legendary agent Sam Cohn.’.. If that’s not weird enough…. Our friend Alan Cambell is the manager of Memorial Auditorium where we held our Sam’s celibration of life. The monday after  Sam’s celebration Alan got a call from a guy named Sam Cohn (or Kohn ?) from Dartmouth Hitchkock hostpital  in New Hamshire who wanted to rent Memorial auditiorium…  It’s like there’s some sort of huge pattern out there that we can only see in glimpses…  Strange.. no ?
-jc