Last night was a mix of fun and sadness. We had a quick dinner at the Kenny’s then checked out Richmond‘s Celtic New Year festival. As I said, this first one is dedicated to Sam’s memory. It was really nice… we wondered between several of the venues and checked out some of the great local music. It was great  running in to everyone from town.  We got lots of hugs  It was nice having to make the schlep into Burlington to do First Night.  I hope this local celebration becomes an annual event.

   The Townsends then gave us a ride up to Bolton to see the fireworks. Lots of Sam and Gabe’s friends were up at the mountain enjoying the new powder. The fireworks started at about 9:30. They were so beautiful.. The fireworks were back-dropped by a cool hazy sky. The moon had a double halo (moonbow ?)  around  it for the second straight night.  I yelled Sam’s name as loud as I could during the finale… he loved fireworks.   From there we went down to the Townsends for a combined kids/adults party.. There was wonderful food there as always and many of our friends were there.. Try as I might, though.. I couldn’t get in a party mindset…I just didn’t really feel like celebrating.  I talked to a few folks did a few science things (I brought one of my tesla coils) then sat quietly until midnight. As midnight approached Deb handed out pots. pans and spoons.. The four of us got together and at the stroke of midnight we banged our pots and hugged and kissed with everyone.. The first thing I said in the New Year was Sam’s name…   

     Just after midnight we all piled down to our house for breakfast…  I felt pretty lousy at that point. My experiments have verified that since Sam died I can’t drink any alcohol at all without getting a hammering headache  the two glasses of wine I had 4 hours earlier did me in.. bummer. …  I actually ended up falling asleep when we got home at about 12:30.. when I woke up about 30 minutes later the house was full of people, food and music.  . By about 1AM we had roughly 40 folks in the house and boom.. another party ! This time I was into it. It really felt like New Years… Somewhere in there freezing rain started to fall.. by 1:30 it was pretty clear that anyone who was at our house would be there all night.. we dragged out spare blankets and air mattresses and settled in for a nice big sleepover.. There were many folks still partying when I drifted off to bed at around 3:30..

   Miraculously, I managed to sleep until 10 Diane was already up and pushing our eggs, potatoes and sausage to the 30 or so folks who were still around… People kept eating in shifts for the next 2 hours. Around noon everyone cleared out….   I was the only one home. I think it was the first time that I’ve been home alone since Sam died. I spent the time thinking about Sam.  I was really feeling sad.  New Years Day without him… I just can’t get used to that.. I’ll never get used to that..

I spent some time trying to hack an IPOD interface into my Prius. It was fun working with my hands, but I was so distracted… the job I planned for 1 hour took four. The sun was setting when I finally got Chai out for a run.. my first time outside for the day. We ran by the light of the beautiful full moon .    Diane, max, Gae and I came together for dinner   the first time we’d all been in one place today. We had a candle circle for Sam which felt good.   After dinner we got a nice call from my folks friends the Alexander’s.. who lost a their 30 year old son Eric 12 years ago.  I hadn’t spoken with the Alexander’s in more than 20 years.. but it was good talking to them about their path through loss and healing. It’s funny, . just being able to talk to someone who’s survived what we’re going through now is a great comfort.

 I’m sitting here now thinking/worrying  about the future.. not months or years.. just tomorrow. Tomorrow Gabe goes back to school. Tomorrow’s also the day I’m supposed to go back to work…. or at least that’s the deadline I’ve given myself. I’m having a very  hard time imagining how I’m going to function back at work. After all… it took me more than an hour to organize myself sufficiently to take out the recycling this evening J I know that it will be tough to ramp back up at work   I have nearly 1800 unanswered emails in my inbox and have practically no idea what’s happened at work in the past 6 weeks.   I’ve certainly missed the people at work.. but can’t honestly say I’ve missed the stuff I was working on.  I think this reflects the very drastic shift in priorities that Sam’s death has given me. Will I be able to get my head around work  again ? Maybe it will  feel  good to get my brain active again. We’ll see.    One of the cards we got when Sam died had a picture of a wash machine with a caption “put yourself on gentle cycle” that’s certainly what we’re going to have to do for awhile. I’m planning on going in to work a few hours at a time for starts.. I’ll also be working from home. I’m going to see how much I can concentrate.. and how much I can take. I’ll also need to be tuned in to how the rest of the family is doing…   This will be slow, hard going for awhile.  Wish me luck.. I’ll let you all know how it goes…We’ll I’m a working man again.. better get some sleep.

  Happy New Year everybody.. Happy New Year Sam..

-jc