I just looked up and realized that I was only a few minutes away from missing a day of blogging…. something I have not done since the day after Sam died. This is a habit I do not want to break.. I realize that I’ve picked up several new habits since Sam died. Like everyone in my family, I where a button with Sam’s picture on it all the time…. except when I’m in the shower or in bed.   Every time I think of Sam I make it a habit to touch the button .. I find myself doing it all the time and it gives me great comfort. I also talk to Sam every time I look in the mirror and see his face on the button… or anytime I see a picture of him.  Anther nice habit. I also find myself talking to him whenever I’m in the shower or driving a car as well as at my  first moment of consciousness when I wake up. I talk to him when I run every day.. and make a point of standing for  few minutes at the midpoint of my run to look up and talk to him.  As I write this, I realize that I’m building a set of habits to replace the many repetitive (compulsive)  habits (e.g. filling a glass 3 times before drinking, knocking on my headboard before falling asleep, etc) I always had before to bring me good luck… .I think this is a good trade because I can’t really say the ‘good luck’ stuff worked. …
   On that topic.. I was just talking to a friend who told me about a guy he knows who completely ‘unraveled’ after the loss of his child  . I’ve been thinking of that all day.. am I unraveling ? Am I going to ? Parts of me have certainly unwound some since Sam died. but I don’t think I’m getting worse. Will I in the months to come.?  Right now I feel like  I’m getting a little more balanced  most every day .. though I also have days when I feel I’m going backwards. When Diane, Gabe and I were out in the world today (University Mall, Talent).. I was noticing how much  more ‘clear’ I felt thank the last time I was at all these places right before Christmas. For example.. we went to Talent today to buy Gabe some clothes and see Hannah, Dave and Adah.. this time it felt like going home. Those guys are so wonderful Last time I was there was for Sam’s Skate benefit in mid December. That was really a wonderful event .. yet it all seems like a dream in my memory.  The days before that.. like the week of the memorial service..  are even more surreal and blurred in my mind.   The strange thing is that I remember at the time feeling pretty ‘together’. What will it be like looking back at ‘now’ months or years in the future ?  Will I remember this a the time we started to move forward and heal… or will I still remember this time as being confused and unreal ? Will I remember this as a point when the worst was behind us or still ahead of us ?.. More importantly.. do we have any control of that ? I want to believe that the answer is yes. and I’m going to count on that for now.. I’ll need all of your help if I’m going to make that so for me and my family.. Sam.. we need your help too. We love you !
-jc..   
ps. I’m finding that music is a great healing path for me. In the car today we were listening to ‘if I ever leave this world alive’ by Flogging Molly. Max sung it at Sam’s memorial.. great words.. Check it out

 Flogging Molly – If I Ever Leave This World Alive Lyrics
If I ever leave this world alive
I’ll thank for all the things you did in my life
If I ever leave this world alive
I’ll come back down and sit beside your
feet tonight
Wherever I am you’ll always be
More than just a memory
If I ever leave this world alive

If I ever leave this world alive
I’ll take on all the sadness
That I left behind
If I ever leave this world alive
The madness that you feel will soon subside
So in a word don’t shed a tear
I’ll be here when it all gets weird
If I ever leave this world alive

So when in doubt just call my name
Just before you go insane
If I ever leave this world
Hey I may never leave this world
But if I ever leave this world alive

She says I’m okay; I’m alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right
She says I’m okay; I’m alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right
Yeah should be all right

pss. I just reposted this after running a spell checker…  is that cheating ?