“I had a dream… “seems like seems like and appropriate start for Martin Luther King’s birthday.. I did have  a dream last night about Sam. It was the first dream that I’ve had about Sam as a younger kid. It was a strange and scary dream at first.. A younger Sam and some other people had been kidnapped while visiting the Whitehouse (?!) . We were very worried about him as we tried to figure out the situation by reading newspapers . All of a sudden I go this sense of peace when I realized I didn’t need to worry about him because he had already died. I know that sounds awful and sad.. but there is a crazy peace that comes from  no longer being frightened of death..  Death has lost a lot of power over all of us now that we’ve looked it in the face. Don’t get me wrong, I know I still have much I could lose.  .. and I do still very much value my own life (which is not something I could could honestly say eight weeks ago )  

    Eight weeks ago.. seems incredible… Sam’s accident was eight weeks ago tonight. In some sense it seems like yesterday.. at times the pain is just as raw, the images just as fresh as if I were first hearing the news.. yet in other ways it seems like a lifetime ago.. So many people have come into and through our lives in that time.. So much in our lives has changed completely… My mental state is so much different today than it was eight weeks ago  … or even more different than it was eight weeks and one day ago… sigh…
   Actually I was thinking today that I might be making too much  ‘progress’ in my attempts to heal… the way a wound can scar if it heals too quickly .  I was thinking about how peaceful and ‘fun’ (relatively) this weekend was for me… I was almost to the point of congratulating myself for my new found sense of balance.. but then today I noticed something.. I went for my normal run with Chai this morning..  At one point stopped to pull off the socks that I had on my hands. As I did, my ‘Sam Forever’ bracelet came off my wrist and almost fell into the snow (again)  . I looked around and realized that I was halfway through my run.. and that I’d been thinking about random things at work.. and not thinking about Sam. That may sound OK.. but I’ve been keeping my time outside running or walking for Sam.  Thinking about him.. talking to him.. feeling him.  Today I realized I had unintentionally let go of that mindfulness.   I slipped the bracelet back on, shifted the weight of Sam’s presence back where it needed to be and did the rest of the trail  in a meditative trot. The rest of the day I’ve been thinking about how to keep the mindfulness and in-the-moment-ness that Sam’s death has ‘given’ me as I ramp back into my busy life. It’s going to be a challenge, but I am completely committed to keeping that thoguhtfullness and peace in my life for myself and my family…
    I am currently not being  so mindful of the time J.. It’s a 11:30 and Diane will be asleep if I don’t drop off now..   So.. g’nite all. See you on the trail tomorrow Sam…. 

-jc

Ps. Sam and Gabe would always wear their pajamas backwards to bring on a school snow day the  next morning. Everybody try it tonight….

Pss. I just heard from my friend Kerry that Coach Ricketty from lacrosse had a bunch of stickers printed so that Sam’s teammates can wear his jersey number (#10) on their helmets this season.. so cool !